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2003-11-18 16:03:25 ET i thought a nice shower would suffice. i was wrong. i think the change is dealing with my hormones and it not doing this depression any good. i'm very much just not feeling any of this. i should be studying instead i end up watching mtv for five hours. by the end of it i wanna cry. not because of anything touching that happened on rich girls just cause that's how much more depressing it made me. i've been feeling super alone. i can't relate to anyone right now. i thought the whole money and job thing would make things easier and a little bit more optimisitic but it hasn't. i don't understand why i can't just deal like most people. or maybe that's that facade of all this. we all act like we have it all good. but when you get honme you really on the verge of tears like i am. right? i've got this personal narritive to write. which i think may help me out. but i'm not sure. i don't know if its just going to push more things out. i brought down all my old writing and journals. i started reading some of it. instantly i wanted to forget 90% of those feelings. fucking A. i'm really clingy right now. FUCK. just because i can and its my journal. i don't know how to address any of this to the outside. *stares at screennames* i feel like right now i need to sabatoge everything i've got. i can't do that. i've got too much right now. god damnit. *lays head on desk* do you think my monitor will jump and land on my head? that fucker better aim for my brain stem. |
