2008-09-02 15:25:53 ET

I've been thinking a lot about these guys recently.
Many people seem to have problems with their dads. It's the subject of books, movies, television shows, songs and the like. What the fuck are dads anyway? Some guy, who on purpose or not, contributed his DNA to your genome. Perhaps he stuck around and had some impact on how those said genes would express themselves. Maybe he skipped town, never to
be seen again. Death rises as a possibility as the many cancers and sickness's do affect the male population. Wars, gangs, prisons seems to have large impacts on whether or not that contributor of the x or y gene helps out in the expression. Drugs of all kinds, I include alcohol in this mixed bag of depressants, amphetamines, uppers, psychedelic substances, change how the imprinting will happen. Or doesn't happen. Sometimes that imprinting has a negative affect causing the person who has that fathers DNA to become a broken, inadequate person. Lacking skills of expression. Inability to generate sufficient dopamine from years of negative imprinting.

Male parents in the human genome who leave their proverbial family merely leave a mark. An empty space. Due to socially constructed impact this too can have a negative affect on the child. Death of the contributor of sperm for gesticulation impacts the familiar unit depending on how this said male human dies. If they die from an accident, natural causes, chance then no one is to blame him. Only to have deep sadness for this passing. If said XY dies from drugs, violence, risk increasing chance then they are to be blamed. An example of what not to do. How to not fail. Don't follow that path. Just look how they turned out. Want to live like that. Do you think that's adulthood. Be careful, you are a lot like them. You walk a dangerous path. Its in your blood. The ability to fail.

The amazing thing about this is that with out a genetic test there is no way to know for sure who your father is. Most likely your bio mother knows. But it's possible she may not.
Something tells us that our lives are somehow incomplete without this contributor. This person only fundamental in gesticulation.

So what if that person develops an unhealthy dependence on you. An emotional dependence where they need constant support and ego boosting. They call you 5 times a day. Feeling the need to painfully often bring up the abuse his hands laid on you. Analyzing and projecting, ultra sensitive with an anger problem.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they have a terrible drug problem that has caused them to stop calling you except for every couple of months when they are high as shit.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person beat the shit out of you called you a fag. sent you to school with blood on your face.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person wouldn't allow you to leave the house while in high school.
Are you expected to stick around?
what if this person went into your sisters room at nigh, when she was young, and touched them. Exactly like your dad isn't supposed to touch you.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they told you that burning in hell awaited you if you date someone they don't like.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if they don't do anything like that but don't connect with you.
Are you expected to stick around?
What if that person leaves you as a child returning as an adult to expecting to be your father then.
Are you expected to stick around?
Somehow this unproved biological connection forces you to be with this person. Regardless of it's affect on your life. This socially constructed marriage. In which if you reject them somehow you must be an asshole. A shithead, cold, brutal, mean.

Is fatherhood unconditional?
what about childhood?

My problems with my dad are not unfixable. But now I choose to be fatherless. Or at least get some space.

a proverbial "break"

Some people lose their male parent. Some people wished they could lose them.

I just don't want to lose my mind.

note on my dad- he didn't do all of those things, those are mainly examples of friends fucked up fathers.

2008-09-02 16:10:05 ET

You won't lose your mind, hun. If he was nothing but a negative force in your life, why bother holding on? Just let go. You're better off without him.

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