but who's counting?
2006-06-02 10:45:12 ET

We have been counting the days until we see each other again

We've only been in each other's physical presence for..3 hours
but I've never been more certain of something as I have of this.

For five days, I will fly out to the midwest (thats the plan anyway)
and extract him back to the East Coast, where he belongs.

To pass the time we have been counting the days, using a visual
vocabulary that has developed between us over the past half year.

this is what it looks like
i am even and he is ... odd

All through this, even when I was too blind to see what was happening,
he was my best friend. [it still hurts so much to say those words]I
would rather break my heart into a million pieces than jeapordize that.
I can only say that I'm grateful to myself that I let myself live to see

I never want it to become only about "the thing itself". I'm constantly
reassured by our parallelisms that it won't. I've skated on the edge of
that before and it's dangerous [we all remember what happened *last
time*]; it's possible to find a beautiful dialog between the person you
imagine, and the person that they are, having the twain enrich each other as the gap grows closer and closer.

The hope is that the familiarity will only deepen the mystery. I've never
had coincidence and parallel scream so loud to me as it does now. Maybe
once, and were it not for that once I would probably have jumped straight
into this without thinking twice about it. I'm not afraid of losing him
to the inevitable. I'm afraid that I've just been imagining this,
projecting it out of my hurt. I know that's simply not the case though.

We're both undergoing MAJOR transition periods in our lives. We are
leaning hard and I ultimately want to do whatever will be the best
for both him and me, because we deserve nothing less.

Throughout it I will continue to be there for him as he has for me.
Boy/girl nonsense aside. As someone dear once said... "To do otherwise
would be unthinkable."

np: gusgus - polyesterday
[kruder + dorfmeister / abductions + reconstructions]

2006-06-02 11:00:52 ET

They say 'Jump'
Got to believe somebody
Got to believe...

2006-06-02 11:07:03 ET


yeah. thats what happened last week
we were using this idea of a leaning as a metaphor

it went from
fuck leaning... run

and i think now...

fuck running...

2006-06-02 11:13:21 ET

You know what? I know exactly what you're going through. The same same same is happening to me as we speak. I know this. You've described precisely what I've been unable to articulate.

Funny, this life.

2006-06-02 11:20:22 ET

Whats worse is to be distracted from this by trivial shit like the 9 - 5 and being domesticated.

And as a side note, I love the layout of your page.

2006-06-02 11:23:57 ET

well. i think for me, the whole point of the 9-5 is so that i can build something strong enough for the bothof us to stand on. i tried for a job that integrates somewhat into who i am .. so that i dont have to split personalities to get there.

i dont plan on being domesticated. but i know that i sought power so that i could provide a safe place for my family, whoever that will be. and yeah.. i fear that this greatness will give way to stagnation. i dont know if they've found a cure for that yet.

re: page layout

thanks.. its not changed in 3+ years, haha

2006-06-02 11:32:14 ET

That's beautiful. I always feel so lost for words with you, and you are so eloquent. You deserve this.

2006-06-02 13:54:01 ET

You know, I've thought just that (ideal versus reality bridge) same thing about myself before... </extreme vanity> :P

As for something strong enough to stand on, you really have to be strong enough to stand on your own before that'll do you any good in the long run. And who's really capable of that in the end, anyway?

Go satisfy my vanity by reading about the dream I had. (See what I did there? Posting here as a sort of barter. :P)

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