2006-06-09 04:43:30 ET|
okay so i know it's pretty silly that I only use this journal for one
purpose... for other goings on turn to le_futurisme ,
but as i said before, this is a safe place to discuss a
matter very important to me.
the skinny: i am in a long-distance relationship with someone i have
known online almost a year, been best friends with for over six months...
and psycho-physically involved with for ... not even three. We've only
been in each other's physical presence for three and a half hours in our
lives but neither of us care [ saw the prodigy @ Nation in DC
together ]. I was told by a number of people that after I got off the
train in New York, i was 'glowing' for the rest of the day.
so i am on the verge of how you americans say... 'to seriously commit'?
please nobody go congratulating me on
LJ or anything... i've already been through the anxiety cycles regarding
this, and it is what I want. this sounds like a 'young, impulsive' thing
to do but i got my own apartment when i was 16, ran away to new york at 18,
worked as a banker for 3 years, clubbed my brains out, dated enough
people to fill a classroom, and broken enough hearts to fill a lecture
hall. I've been dating nonstop for 10 years, I am a fucking veteran to
what I want in a partner, i was just waiting for the sense of recognition
that i feel now, which is to say, recognizing/remembering what it was i
wanted and outlined to begin with before i gave up and started chasing
numbness. this recognition is mutual.
i've been meditating on the importance of 'otherness' as such in a
relationship. is it crucial? theres always people who will tell you that
someone can't bee too much like you, or else it would be 'boring' but is
that what people who have never found someone like them tell themselves?
one of my bosses who just got out of a 30 year marriage, when asked if it
was possible to be *too* similar... replied with an emphatic FUCK NO.
here's a list of his interests, cross referenced to mine (bold), which
were in my profile above.
i dunno... you think it'll work?
one thing we dont share is that he's a bit more private.. whereas i want
to yell this to the hills... i think this is a decent compromise...
the progress: i will not be going to Indiana to drive him back to the
east coast. we [because it is we now] bought a plane ticket that will
get him back on the East Coast. There will be a 3.5 hour layover in
Philadelphia, which I am taking a greyhound out to go spend time with him
for. (the 24th.. a saturday).. after that i will just stumble around
the city deliroius and glowing for about 8-10 hours before returning to
New York City... his connecting flight will put him in Portsmouth,
Virginia where he has a home and a job already set up. I will be
spending every 3 day weekend, holiday, and spare stretch of time I can
with him. I just want to see him happy, happier than he's been stuck in
the Midwest. He never belonged there. The person who broke him and
left him there is a fucking idiot, but her loss is my [lifelong] gain.
the bottom line now is how to integrate into each other's lives without
disrupting the others' completely. he claims he wants, like me, to spend
his life building things. i would love to have this life together.
already i see the seeds of it in our information exchanges and crits. its
almost too good to be true. i think i couldnt take him to new york with
me, its too 'me'. it wouldn't be fair. we should be equals and both in
new and totally strange water.
i dont want
to be that girl that drags him out somewhere on someone else's dream.
it has to be his. i'm going to stop second guessing him and just trust it
after a while...
but thats where all that is...
i hope he doesn't get mad at me for posting this on a semi-public place.
its just hard to keep this degree of joy to one's self.