dear diary. yesterday i went to the zoo...
2002-09-24 07:13:43 ET

oh did i say the zoo? i meant the Kings County Hospital. But i felt more like i was waiting in line for a witch doctor, or a veteranarian... it turns out what i have is very, very bad tonsilitis!!! ew!!! and i had to wait 6 hours in line to find that out! its because i went to a ghetto state funded place because i am po' folk. i havent been where i am long enough to get benefits or paid for sick time so that just means less money and bigger bills

"the rich keep getting richer every day, and the little that the poor man got, it shall be taken away.. do you hear what i say?" -bob marley

Of course i dont think that listening to Hocico's Signos De Aberaccion in the waiting room helps you be any less antsy...

so its been this ongoing dialog in my head, and i'm not sure if its just because i work with grown ups, whether or not the white picket fence is for me. its a scaled up version of my conflict between my attraction to dysfunctional relationships and my attempt to fit into functinal ones. the other day when i was taken to Rye Playland.. we were on a ride, and i looked behind me, and i saw this woman.. who looked very much like me.. it was kind of eerie.. but obviously several years older. and she had her son with her on the ride, no dad around. just the two of them. they both had fair skin, dark hair... and it almost felt like time folded in on itself, i'm sure in a way it did. there are so many potential futures out there and maybe one of them is the one where its years later and i only care about the opinion of one person and thats the little guy next to me. now it would take about $60,000 of surgical tinkering for me to even be able to have kids.. so i'm not about to get 'knocked up' or sucker some poor rivetboy into filling in the gaps that daddy left.. no siree bob i've seen enough of my male friends get in trouble this way and besides I HATE KIDS and the world is OVERPOPULATED (my exp. at Kings County Hospital only re-confirmed this belief,and that its the stupid people doing all the reproducing for the most part). the only reason it ever crosses my mind is because i know i can never have it. so i thought about it, and i came to a conclusion.

i dont want the normal life. i dont want the picket fence. but if i was in academia, or sociology, or psychology.. i might very well make it my primary study, as the cultural illusion of the 'normal, perfect life' has clearly had a profound psychological impact on me. do my thesis on it, perhaps? there are always two sets of values in play, and its important to recognize which values are your own and which have been inherited from the environment around you... I have a lot of beliefs that are different from middle class SUV driving starbucks drinking America. Does that mean I hate it? to a certain extent, yes. But my family was from another country, and i have dual citizenship, and could live somewhere else if i wanted, but choose not to. I'm too American. I may be knee deep in a subculture that is itself a backlash to the Monoculture (my term for our culture, ginked from Brian Wood) , but that still means I'm a by-product of the Monoculture. and I'm not sure how many dreams are mine, and how many belong to the Monoculture. Because, in a way, that's what culture is. a mutual, consensual dreaming. a shared paradigm. In a powerful relationship, there is a culture of two and i guess its that comfort zone i miss. i dont need the monoculture to tell me that, that culture of two is a timeless reality that predates the Monoculture thousands of years. thats why they keep writing stories about it and the stories keep selling. So coming to think of it i'm not even sure how many of these ideas about not wanting to be alone are mine to begin with... in my moments of extreme bitterness i call the whole concept of romance 'The Big Lie' as it just seems to be people chasing after two seperate (and usually conflicting) dreams, just causing cruelty to each other and nothing more.
and my friends that know me very well know that i see saw between total cynicism and total hypnotic belief in the Big Lie. I wouldnt be a real human if i wasn't a hypocrite. i guess its just drawing the line between reality and expectation... and as Doktor242 said, 'understanding the other person's expectations AND making allowances for them' which is something i rarely do.. usually i just walk into the rain proclaiming that i 'dont believe in umbrellas' and then wonder why i have a cold... and if none of this makes sense thanks for reading it anyway... i'm probably still delirious..

but heres the bright side.. i've lost 10 pounds in 4 days! and i havent been to the gym once! w00t

_SicKly iS sEXy__

2002-09-24 10:53:48 ET

Again, good observation. I'm not sure i want to rule out the picket fence, and I have to say, there are certain things about the culture of two that i feel are currently lacking in my life. I think it's more the culture of two that I miss, as opposed to the white picket fence, minivan and 2-car garage thing.

Someone to come home to and tell how your day was at work... someone to yell at for taking your cd collection out of order. It's a good thing.

2002-09-24 12:45:19 ET

I just want someone there who loves me, as the doktor said, someone to come home to. Children and marriage aren't planned as of yet, and may never come. I'm just looking for understanding.

2002-09-25 03:02:30 ET

DBD: I love how intensely introspective you are. I always feel like such a voyuer reading others lengthy journal entries but I think it's importent to view things from different perspectives. It did indeed make sense! I'm sorry to hear you are still ill I've been meaning to respond as I've been watching your page in hopes for good news on you feeling better. Just have been crazy busy lately. I'm glad to hear that you were able to see a doctor at least!:( I know what you mean in regards to feeling as though you were waiting to see a witch doctor...places like that always bring the same to mind for me. I've definately had my fill with being "po folk" myself over the past few years....

I also identify with the feeling as though time is folding in on it's self. To glance instances like that can definately be mind altering! I love kids but am still myself uncertain as to wheather or not I will ever have any. I'm not sure if I can as I've been fortunate enough not to come into a situation where that is evident. Which I plan to be the case hopefully until I'm 30 (if at all)! When you speak of "tinkering" that would be needed I hope your condition is not detrimental to your health in any way....

I agree that "monoculture" is concentual dreaming. I find it importent for myself to always be revaluating ways to break it down and to create a more idealistic dream. Then comes along the nagging question of even if I could set in motion a new dream could or would all be able to percieve it as ideal. I feel currently the only way I can create a new dream is to continue to create my self as what I view as a positive and understanding energy. This sometimes makes me come accross as a sickening optimist (even to myself at points)when I am more truly a "realist". Such shades of grey in everything. I just keep living and moving...hoping to aid others in getting ahold of their own well as get fully in touch with my own...

As far as romance can be in some ways a "big lie" from my perspective. However there is beauty in it. Do you not feel the same? Why not push the lie into reality? If reality is a consentual dream why not dream it and move it from "lie" into being?

2002-09-25 09:36:02 ET

hey baby, how YOU doin

2002-09-25 12:03:07 ET

>As far as romance can be in some ways a "big lie" from my perspective. However there is beauty in it. Do you not feel the same? Why not push the lie into reality? If reality is a consentual dream why not dream it and move it from "lie" into being?<<BR>
Exactly, =AS=.

As long as 2 people share the same dreaming, what does it matter if it's real. We don't truly experience reality anyway. Our interactions are mediated through the distorted lens of our perceptions. Does it matter so much if people add another layer of filtering, as long as it makes tham happy.

I don't know how, but somehow I manage to be both a cynic and a romantic at heart.

2002-09-25 12:19:07 ET

your posts are long, so i assume i understood the jist of it by the first sentences of every paragraph. I too have dialogues in my head, and the last thing i want is a normal life. I want my life to be full of adventures and being the industrial superstar (that i am)

2002-09-25 12:21:03 ET

Accelerated State == thank you for actually bothering to read my long masturbatory posts.. i was wondering if i was being boring or shallow etc. (im always wondering that stuph). but the way i am, i can sense if someone is on my wavelength after reading probably a paragraph or two of their writing...

as for my health, the 'condition' i mentioned before.. was actually extremely detrimental to my health, about two years ago. and the stupid tonsillitis.. well most of its gone except i can't eat. i've lost ten pounds in the past 6 days b/c my jaw/gums/throat/tongue is one GIANT STABBY PAIN. i made myself eat soup though..

as for kids, i figure when i'm a rich 30 year old supervillain genius maybe then... until then im happy with my biological dysfuntion, and simultaneously hating and loving 'the big lie.'

herr doktor - you're right... *holds the steak up from the matrix* if its juicy and it tastes like steak.. it doent matter if its real i suppose... the best i can describe it.. is like two people creating an emotional landscape that stands outside of time. its stronger if it contains the same things in it.. i first began to think about 'shared paradigms' when i was playing with these shitty virtual reality worlds on my 486.. and fascinated that somebody *made* them and that i was *experiencing* them. a simple concept but sometimes there will be a certain moment the simple concept hits you the hardest... being in love holds the same shimmer to me that virtual reality does (or vurt-ual reality, chris you know what i mean)...
i've always beleived the backwards.. that imaginations, dreams, stories, music, art.. beauty... is real and that 'reality' is just a springboard into these things... reality is just the spaces in between that you have to endure to get to the creamy nougat filling.. the cookie part of the oreo, a necessary evil.

2002-09-25 12:22:09 ET

I am also a cynic/ romantic.

2002-09-25 12:22:22 ET

Take this feather..... it's yellow.

2002-09-25 14:20:00 ET

My pleasure, or pain in some area's... I'm glad to hear that at least that is no longer an ailment to you! I'm glad you were able to force some soup down too...and are on your way to recovery!

I hear ya on the having kids matter.

lol...wOOt for cracked out annalogyies involving cookies!:P

2002-09-26 15:35:30 ET

i'm the princess of analogies... and crack

2002-09-26 19:05:10 ET

i REALLy hope you don't mean ass crack. I REAAAAALLLLY hope not.

But actually, whatever floats your boat, WOO-HOO!

2002-09-26 19:06:03 ET

What the hell am I saying?My fucking avatar is a gerbil. I should'nt be critisizing asses.

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