2002-09-24 07:13:43 ET|
oh did i say the zoo? i meant the Kings County Hospital. But i felt more like i was waiting in line for a witch doctor, or a veteranarian... it turns out what i have is very, very bad tonsilitis!!! ew!!! and i had to wait 6 hours in line to find that out! its because i went to a ghetto state funded place because i am po' folk. i havent been where i am long enough to get benefits or paid for sick time so that just means less money and bigger bills
"the rich keep getting richer every day, and the little that the poor man got, it shall be taken away.. do you hear what i say?" -bob marley
Of course i dont think that listening to Hocico's Signos De Aberaccion in the waiting room helps you be any less antsy...
so its been this ongoing dialog in my head, and i'm not sure if its just because i work with grown ups, whether or not the white picket fence is for me. its a scaled up version of my conflict between my attraction to dysfunctional relationships and my attempt to fit into functinal ones. the other day when i was taken to Rye Playland.. we were on a ride, and i looked behind me, and i saw this woman.. who looked very much like me.. it was kind of eerie.. but obviously several years older. and she had her son with her on the ride, no dad around. just the two of them. they both had fair skin, dark hair... and it almost felt like time folded in on itself, i'm sure in a way it did. there are so many potential futures out there and maybe one of them is the one where its years later and i only care about the opinion of one person and thats the little guy next to me. now it would take about $60,000 of surgical tinkering for me to even be able to have kids.. so i'm not about to get 'knocked up' or sucker some poor rivetboy into filling in the gaps that daddy left.. no siree bob i've seen enough of my male friends get in trouble this way and besides I HATE KIDS and the world is OVERPOPULATED (my exp. at Kings County Hospital only re-confirmed this belief,and that its the stupid people doing all the reproducing for the most part). the only reason it ever crosses my mind is because i know i can never have it. so i thought about it, and i came to a conclusion.
i dont want the normal life. i dont want the picket fence. but if i was in academia, or sociology, or psychology.. i might very well make it my primary study, as the cultural illusion of the 'normal, perfect life' has clearly had a profound psychological impact on me. do my thesis on it, perhaps? there are always two sets of values in play, and its important to recognize which values are your own and which have been inherited from the environment around you... I have a lot of beliefs that are different from middle class SUV driving starbucks drinking America. Does that mean I hate it? to a certain extent, yes. But my family was from another country, and i have dual citizenship, and could live somewhere else if i wanted, but choose not to. I'm too American. I may be knee deep in a subculture that is itself a backlash to the Monoculture (my term for our culture, ginked from Brian Wood) , but that still means I'm a by-product of the Monoculture. and I'm not sure how many dreams are mine, and how many belong to the Monoculture. Because, in a way, that's what culture is. a mutual, consensual dreaming. a shared paradigm. In a powerful relationship, there is a culture of two and i guess its that comfort zone i miss. i dont need the monoculture to tell me that, that culture of two is a timeless reality that predates the Monoculture thousands of years. thats why they keep writing stories about it and the stories keep selling. So coming to think of it i'm not even sure how many of these ideas about not wanting to be alone are mine to begin with... in my moments of extreme bitterness i call the whole concept of romance 'The Big Lie' as it just seems to be people chasing after two seperate (and usually conflicting) dreams, just causing cruelty to each other and nothing more.
and my friends that know me very well know that i see saw between total cynicism and total hypnotic belief in the Big Lie. I wouldnt be a real human if i wasn't a hypocrite. i guess its just drawing the line between reality and expectation... and as Doktor242 said, 'understanding the other person's expectations AND making allowances for them' which is something i rarely do.. usually i just walk into the rain proclaiming that i 'dont believe in umbrellas' and then wonder why i have a cold... and if none of this makes sense thanks for reading it anyway... i'm probably still delirious..
but heres the bright side.. i've lost 10 pounds in 4 days! and i havent been to the gym once! w00t
_SicKly iS sEXy__