2003-01-07 16:10:42 ET|
"I see no changes ..wake up in the morning and I ask myself...is life worth living should I blast myself?"
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental questions of philosophy.
-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus
one time i went and saw a terrible movie. it had something to do with sports. i walked out in the middle of it. i did not complain or ask for a refund. i just simply lost interest, cut my losses, and left. not with a bang, or with a whimper, but with the quiet click of a door closing shut behind me.
I am beginning to see my life in the same manner as i saw this movie. Somewhere i know that things will get better and that i should stick around to see how it ends. somewhere in me there exists that faith. but i would be a liar if i did not say that it was being direly tested right now.
An unexamined life is not worth living, and i have nothing but time in between transactions and trains to contemplate. i am not at all satisfied with the conclusions i have been finding. Something is wrong with everything (by wrong i mean more wrong than usual) and i have to find it and fix it or i am certain i will die. (don't worry kids: the very act of my stating this is a testament to my will to live.)
so what is wrong with me. i'm working too much and dwelling on the past, kicking myself for mistakes that i made over the past years.. nothing new there. my social life is interesting, to say the least. but i think that the biggest obstacle to happiness is that i'm not living up to my ideals, i'm not being myself. whatever that is. everything i do is for the most part motivated by fear; being motivated to avoid something never works, thats called negative motivation. Life should not be an exercise to avoid pain. and i'm sorry but 'my new years resolution is to get out of debt' is not a very motivating statement.
to put it quite simply, my life right now lacks meaning. i miss warmth; i miss friends, i miss being in college. i miss electronics class. i miss time to read and write and draw and play keyboards without feeling pressure to 'achieve something great' with the 2 1/2 hours left in my day (if i'm lucky). Art does not respond well to performance pressure. I'm burning out, i can't keep doing what i'm doing (2 jobs + complex social life + insane commute) when there is no progress. i'm taking crazy amounts of ephedrine but everything is at a standstill. i'm seriously considering jetting as soon as my lease is up to some trailer park in Bayonne, NJ... where i won't have to keep 2 jobs just to pay the rent..
I <3 my boyfriend but i think we may go back to being just friends; i'm just too fucking depressed to be of any use to anyone; yet another way my life is devoid of meaning; i cant even take care of myself and so i am unable to contribute anything of value to anyone else, besides my company, which isnt worth much when i'm tired and pissed and getting sick again. besides i am entirely too fucking hung up on something else i know i shouldnt be right now and its not fair...
The thing that bothers me the most is that i'm not doing anything meaningful with my life. thats the bottom line. No music, no art, no writing, nothing NOTHING. it just wont fucking come and i try; i stare at my plot outline or the keyboard and i just want to fucking cry. i think about all the people who have made things more beautiful than i have.. like when in Mallrats Brodie asks Rene what she's doing in the bathroom.. and she tells him that she's crying, he asks why; "You want to know what i think about Brodie? I think about all the people who do something with themselves, the doctors who save lives, the politicians that decide the fate of nations. the architects that design skyscrapers... and then i think... that i have nothing better to do with my time... than fuck you."
i dont know what else to say except that i want out and that is good enough for now; and that if a way exists i will find it. i have stopped drinking and that has cleared my mind enough to understand that my current mode of being is NOT okay. step one: remove tranquilizers, so that pain may be felt. it exists for a reason.
apparently my computer has every virus known to man.. there are so many viruses on here i can't even get Norton to install right. my midi interface is fucked, my webcam is fucked, my CD burner is fucked. friend points to DasK for coming to my house and trying to fix it till 5 am, friend points to Chris from mindless faith for hanging out with us while scandisk took forever to scan the temp internet files i should have deleted first. I believe the Klez virus has been successfully removed; my machine is behaving slightly better but this is just the beginning of a long battle ahead.
//////Reading: Notes from the Underground: Nihilism and the Matrix