without any reason, without any sense...
2003-01-07 16:10:42 ET


"I see no changes ..wake up in the morning and I ask myself...is life worth living should I blast myself?"

-2pac, Changes

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental questions of philosophy.

-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus


one time i went and saw a terrible movie. it had something to do with sports. i walked out in the middle of it. i did not complain or ask for a refund. i just simply lost interest, cut my losses, and left. not with a bang, or with a whimper, but with the quiet click of a door closing shut behind me.

I am beginning to see my life in the same manner as i saw this movie. Somewhere i know that things will get better and that i should stick around to see how it ends. somewhere in me there exists that faith. but i would be a liar if i did not say that it was being direly tested right now.

An unexamined life is not worth living, and i have nothing but time in between transactions and trains to contemplate. i am not at all satisfied with the conclusions i have been finding. Something is wrong with everything (by wrong i mean more wrong than usual) and i have to find it and fix it or i am certain i will die. (don't worry kids: the very act of my stating this is a testament to my will to live.)

so what is wrong with me. i'm working too much and dwelling on the past, kicking myself for mistakes that i made over the past years.. nothing new there. my social life is interesting, to say the least. but i think that the biggest obstacle to happiness is that i'm not living up to my ideals, i'm not being myself. whatever that is. everything i do is for the most part motivated by fear; being motivated to avoid something never works, thats called negative motivation. Life should not be an exercise to avoid pain. and i'm sorry but 'my new years resolution is to get out of debt' is not a very motivating statement.

to put it quite simply, my life right now lacks meaning. i miss warmth; i miss friends, i miss being in college. i miss electronics class. i miss time to read and write and draw and play keyboards without feeling pressure to 'achieve something great' with the 2 1/2 hours left in my day (if i'm lucky). Art does not respond well to performance pressure. I'm burning out, i can't keep doing what i'm doing (2 jobs + complex social life + insane commute) when there is no progress. i'm taking crazy amounts of ephedrine but everything is at a standstill. i'm seriously considering jetting as soon as my lease is up to some trailer park in Bayonne, NJ... where i won't have to keep 2 jobs just to pay the rent..

I <3 my boyfriend but i think we may go back to being just friends; i'm just too fucking depressed to be of any use to anyone; yet another way my life is devoid of meaning; i cant even take care of myself and so i am unable to contribute anything of value to anyone else, besides my company, which isnt worth much when i'm tired and pissed and getting sick again. besides i am entirely too fucking hung up on something else i know i shouldnt be right now and its not fair...

The thing that bothers me the most is that i'm not doing anything meaningful with my life. thats the bottom line. No music, no art, no writing, nothing NOTHING. it just wont fucking come and i try; i stare at my plot outline or the keyboard and i just want to fucking cry. i think about all the people who have made things more beautiful than i have.. like when in Mallrats Brodie asks Rene what she's doing in the bathroom.. and she tells him that she's crying, he asks why; "You want to know what i think about Brodie? I think about all the people who do something with themselves, the doctors who save lives, the politicians that decide the fate of nations. the architects that design skyscrapers... and then i think... that i have nothing better to do with my time... than fuck you."

i dont know what else to say except that i want out and that is good enough for now; and that if a way exists i will find it. i have stopped drinking and that has cleared my mind enough to understand that my current mode of being is NOT okay. step one: remove tranquilizers, so that pain may be felt. it exists for a reason.

apparently my computer has every virus known to man.. there are so many viruses on here i can't even get Norton to install right. my midi interface is fucked, my webcam is fucked, my CD burner is fucked. friend points to DasK for coming to my house and trying to fix it till 5 am, friend points to Chris from mindless faith for hanging out with us while scandisk took forever to scan the temp internet files i should have deleted first. I believe the Klez virus has been successfully removed; my machine is behaving slightly better but this is just the beginning of a long battle ahead.

//////Reading: Notes from the Underground: Nihilism and the Matrix
//////listening to::2pac
///////Drinking: Arsenic

2003-01-07 16:22:46 ET

notes from the underground by dostoyevsky rulezz. although i haven't finished reading it..

2003-01-07 16:24:31 ET

i have faith you'll pull through this: ...and your company is worth more than you may care to think: <3

2003-01-07 16:28:51 ET

<broken record>what you need to do is take a good long look at your priorities. Decide what's really important, and what's just reinforcing the negative situation...</broken record>

Whatever happens, I llove you, and I will do all i can to help you.

2003-01-07 16:29:27 ET

Though I would never devalue your own emotional outpour by telling you that I completely understood (because that would be a lie), I can at least empathize with you in the sense that I have much weight on my own back. Much to do, no fucking way to do it, and no one that will listen to me when I tell them that I need a way out of this existence, this vehicle of mine broken down on the road to fulfillment, moving nowhere. Every day, I stand in place, watching my life swirl around me and pass me by in awe...precious moment after precious moment. In such a monotonous world, my only retreat has been the sanctity of the inner planes of my own consciousness. My only comfort comes in knowing that I am still alive, that I still have the capacity for contemplation and meditation. Because outside of the confines of speculation, there's not much else.

Any support that I can offer, any empathy that I am capable of emitting is yours for the taking. Talk to me about anything, anytime...though I understand that you'd probably rather share them with your friends on SK, I'm here if they're offline or something.

Good luck with everything.

2003-01-07 16:34:20 ET

I like this red star fella. He can stay.

2003-01-07 16:42:34 ET

>>>>>>>>>>Though I would never devalue your own emotional outpour by telling you that I completely understood

a rarity indeed, most ppl just offer sympathy or pretend to understand.. i know that post started out intelligent and just got whiny... which i'm bored of being

and i agree with you; i am frustrated with not being 'productive' because almost everything i enjoy, that keeps me alive, depends on mind, imagination, ideas.. the mental realm, the only escape... sometimes i feel that its not the only thing thats real but it is the only thing important.

>>>>Every day, I stand in place, watching my life swirl around me and pass me by in awe...

sometimes i panic as each second slips away, and i look at my friends or something beautiful and think how precious these things are and how terrible it will be when they're gone (death) honestly i think about that more than is healthy. the only reason i havent blown my fucking head off is isolated moments, almost hallucinatory in nature, of beauty. Beauty isnt even the right word; beauty is just another overused word like God and Hope... but for lack of a better term

Beauty = Signal
Everything Else = Noise

2003-01-07 17:24:30 ET

without any reason, without any sense...


anyway ya

2003-01-07 17:25:14 ET

Mmmmm. :W:

2003-01-07 17:33:37 ET

:w: = bad

DbD = good.

2003-01-07 17:52:48 ET

I can try to understand, but I can't really sympathize.

However, I can stick around and just be there. I'm good at that.


We all need to spend more time in cafes being literate/artistic.

2003-01-07 19:08:43 ET

since i have made a similar post a while ago and you commented, i thought i should return the favor.

i have a pretty good idea where you're coming from and i empathize with you. you just gotta hang in there.

tenactiy, persistance, and the will to persevere are all virtues in themselves.
i wish you the best.

2003-01-08 07:25:29 ET

*gives gyros of healing&happiness to all & does a dance*

*ducks from tomatoes being thrown*

2003-01-08 12:59:02 ET

goddamn hippies.

*sinks deeper into nihilism*

2003-01-08 13:48:10 ET

dude... you just scored so many DC points for quoting tu-pac, you have no idea :)

2003-01-08 13:54:32 ET

*raises fist* Nihilistic and free.

See, about the Tupac...I just...meh. No disrespect meant at all. But I, personally, just...meh.

2003-01-08 14:16:44 ET

yeah the 2pac is really the best part of that post.

i was considering deleting the rest.

2003-01-08 14:19:48 ET

But then your buddy list would have lacked the beautiful Mao icon that represents ME. I wouldn't be drawn to Tupac alone. :-D

2003-01-08 14:28:55 ET

don't be all down and shit raine, things will get better!

2003-01-09 21:04:03 ET

I don't think it'd be a bad idea to leave the Tupac hanging there by itself; it kinda sums up everything in a nice little lyrical way. I don't know what you are going through exactly, but I do know that having no time for artistic ventilation can be suffocating. I see how you work shit with your writing and imagery and what-not and I got no doubt you'll hook it up real soon.

[Uh...side-note: it's odd that Notes From the Underground was mentioned, 'cause that book was just recommended to me today by a friend (did you ever used to listen to that one Pigface album? I used to love that album). Also, I've been thinking a lot about Tupac today. I had a wierd vision of tupac melting like a marshmellow. I don't mean likened to; I mean, like, he morphs into a marshmellow and then melts. Major digression, but kinda like similiar trains of brains. And one more bullshit note: I bought that RED STAR comic you mentioned and I am so into that shit! Thank you for dropping the hint!]

Yo, excuse this post. Please take care.

2005-11-18 10:08:50 ET

You Dumb Bitch.

You have warmth. You have friends. And you will have college.

And you won't go back to "being just friends" with your boyfriend, whoever he is. Actually, you'll never have the courage to break up with any boyfriend you have no matter how bad they treat you.

Oh, and calm down on the hating. Other people's talent?

Has nothing to do with you. PERIOD.

But you'll learn that.

Soon enough.

Disdainfully yours,

Your Future Self.

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