2003-02-22 15:29:59 ET|
at web2zone. waiting for the insomnia to go on lunch break. then study +-*/ for an hour and head to club.. good old club.. went to funhouse last night.. quite honestly i could have done without the experience except that me and death condition saw someone getting a hand job.. and the music was good for a bit.. but it kept turning into raved out garbage... we left for diner, where me and Storm and Insomnia had a bleary-eyed but nonetheless stimulating conversation.. im so tired i can barely remember about what.. i was supposed to hang w/doktor242 today but the bastard cancelled on me... which is just as well, because i got to sleep in till 5 pm.
some sort of change is happening with me that has to do with people. and like most lasting change, its taking its sweet time.. i'm beginning to care again. i'm beginning to reach an equilibrium with the people that are important to me. my empathy is returning, as well as my generosity (the real kind). i was always flitting in between the idea of running away to FL, ive been ever since coming up here. its very easy to attribute great qualities to a life you're not living. but i dont think i could. maybe to go to college and finally do something with myself. maybe.. but the truth is, there are people i care about. i have done what i set out to do when i left Florida, which is... make a life. i have a few intense friendships, which i could count on half of one hand.. which my heart is actually taking root in.. when they're in pain, i'm in pain.. physically. their shortcomings are my shortcomings, their victories my victories. and i have quite a large number of peripheral friends and acquaintances who are only my acquaintances because i dont have the time to make them otherwise. but are all intensely beautiful, interesting amazing people. certainly an odd outcome for someone that considers themselves a loner... sometimes i'm forced to compartmentalize relationships, this could happen for many reasons, one of them being that most of my friends don't like each other but even that i'm becoming ok. with. but the fact i'm beginning to care again.. is precious.. i dont want to jinx it by saying it.. but i feel like i'm waking up in a sense.. from a nightmare where, as khalil gibran put it, 'you will laugh, but not all of your laughter, and cry, but not all of your tears.'
funny thing: why is it that with all the buildings i admire.. the ones that instill emotion in me.. i look up the architect who designed them. and the guy is invariably an asshole. A petulant, uncompromising, asshole prone to prima donna fits and beating $200m clinets with t-squares. Is there something about these buildings that hints at their ambition, is there something about ambition that turns people into monsters, and more importantly.. is there something about this that i like?
a fragment of memory returned to me the other day.. a story told to me by some relative trying to demonstrate that i wasnt the only kid in the family to get a rebellious streak..i forgot all about it until yesterday reading Ayn Rand's 'fountainhead'.. see.. my dad is a structural engineer. my grandfather, an architect. and back in the day they got in a conflict so heated, that my father slammed the drafting table down on his father's hands, breaking every bone in them and putting him out of work for six months!! its so funny the things we remember and repress, put away and forget about..
i'll end this on a question:
society presents us, through the media, through literature, through its various means of transmitting values, with myths. some of these myths are powerful and taken for granted in our programming.. and theres something that may be in my programming that i want to get rid of.. only its roots too far in my brain to pull out without causing serious damage.
it is the myth of the 'soul mate'. you know. the One. the answer to every great loneliness whose presence seems to lurk behind the favorite songs, the twilight feeling.. it feels sometimes the very reason for all my ambition.. i didnt know i had it so bad until recently.. i really believe this #@$@! how did that happen.. i believe it enough to do the ultimate crime, to ignore who people really are and try to project on them the image of the One, while ignoring that i'm doing this.. or rejecting them because some aspect doesn't match, doesnt fit.. the One would share my hunger. my taste for beauty. the One would have it so bad he would turn his life upside down to find what he's looking for. the One is looking for me.
now is it just me, or is this some of the most irrational stuff ever printed? admitting to yourself that you actually hold beliefs like this is tough.. and maybe i should throw it away, give up the dream and accept people for who they are.. because this hunger is killing me, is forcing me into acts of cruelty.. and i dont know if its right or wrong.. the only thing i can think that makes sense is that i'm too young to know for sure.. my dad just found what i think is 'the one' for him.. and it took him years.. and they dont share everything in common, just the important stuff.. nonetheless i'm glad to see him happy.. but i'm too uncompromising.. if something isn't perfect i toss it out the window and don't care if the wolves eat it. it may appear that i am immorall and shiftless but really its just a hyper-extended perfectionism. when i determine something is fucked, its fucked and thats it, and theres nothing that can be done, and what happens doesn't matter..
i'm sick of this horrible perverse loneliness making me hurt people.. but i dont know how to make it stop.. so thoughts, kids.. do you believe there is the One? do you believe you found it and lost it? do you believe you could have it right now and not know?
my compass of rationality, which usually points to magnetic North, is careening in all different directions, and i wait alone in the blizzard for the world to right itself and the vertigo to stop.