Mirrorshades.
2008-02-07 17:35:45 ET

I punched out the lenses from a cheap pair of mirrorshades and proceded to glue them directly onto my eyesockets using spirit gum. I've never used spirit gum before so pardon me if the lenses aren't aligned quite right. This is my first time doing this.

Oh, and as for why? Why not?


























1 comment

2007-11-14 05:34:10 ET

Porno ideas.
2007-08-21 09:17:11 ET

I'm starting a new porn site. It's called Cleft Lip Cuties. Yes, I know it's niche. But niche is where all the money is. The mainstream stuff is too damn saturated. It's the same damned things over and over. Where are the cleft lip blowjobs? Where are the hook hand handjobs? Where's the anal sex with dentures up someone's rectum? It's like oral and anal at once! What about birth-time gang bangs? "My water broke! LET'S FUCK!"

Idea for a TV Show.
2007-08-21 09:16:47 ET

I'm writing my own show for Showtime. It's going to star David Duchovny as a down-and-out novelist drowning in the depths of a drug addiction. He's trying to quit but ever since he's become very good friends with one of the hallucinatory insects that crawls around on and under his skin his relationship with chemical substances has become a love-hate sort of thing. In every episode his skin sores get worse and worse.

I call it CALIFORMICATION.

Adolf and the Hitlers.
2007-08-21 09:15:56 ET

Ladies and Gentlemen... from Berlin... here's Adolf and the Hitlers!

My baby drove up in a brand new Volkswagen!
My baby drove up in a brand new Volkswagen!
She said "Scheisse on ye, kaiser, I ain't never comin' hoooome!"


The remnants of a top secret cloning project pioneered by a group of Nazi scientists... some of the best minds of the Third Reich. Five clones all sharing the original Adolf Hitler's DNA. Discovered and rescued from a secret underground lab in Argentina by Phil Spector. They're just like the original Hitler - artists, vegans, no cigarettes, lots of speed - but without the anti-semitism and the superiority complex. Oh, and just like the original Adolf this quintet can bring crowds to a frenzy. That's why they started a band.

In a Rolling Stone interview Phil Spector noted that "they're just like the Monkees... if the Monkees had, in fact, been a band comprised of archetypical Aryan supermen." This was right after the release of their first live album - Beer Hall Putsch - a collection of songs they played at the 1939 Hitler Bar in South Korea. While the album opened to mixed reviews all agree that their live shows drive the crowds wild. One infamous concert led to a riot that nearly burned down the Reichstag. The cause of the anger? The show was delayed for five hours after the drummer overdosed on methamphetamines and lay in the bathtub screaming incomprehensible things about fiery angels coming for him from the halls of Valhalla. There was another near-riot in Paris, France after one of the group's members was afflicted with genital lobsters (like crabs only bigger and snappier) from one of the Charlie-Chaplin-mustached Hitler Whores that the area is popular for.

All in all, the band continues to tour the world promoting their numerous records. Their own brand of self-proclaimed "Third Reich Rock" which has nothing to do with the Third Reich and everything to do with the rhythm guitarist only knowing three chords has proven to be extremely popular with the masses. So popular, in fact, that their appearances on the various talk shows of the world has led to a new cultural phenomenon known as "Talk Show Fellatio" in which talk show hosts of various types would suddenly lose all sense of decency and begin sucking off the evening's guests.

2007-08-21 09:15:18 ET

I want eyebrows that mean business. I don't want me any goddamn pansy ass regular eyebrows. Nor do I want those connect-the-dots do-it-yourself pencil hackjobs on ubersweat foreheads. At the very least I'd go for the bushy eyed anarchist look. Fuck, I'd have more facial hair than Karl Marx! Or may be I should go for something sharp and pointish like The Count on Sesame Street. I'd change my name to Veeggo and have sex with mute albino vixens on a schedule meticulously kept by a German... schedule... keeper... person... man...

Or may be I'd have eyebrows that flare out like tiny wings. I'd be able to leap out of windows and glide down to my safety. I DO NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU! MAY THE BURNING FLAMES SINGE YOUR ASSHAIRS! Then I smash out the window with my window smashing boot and leap out. FREEEEE! as I swoop down on the alleyway.

May be I'll keep razor blades in there. I'd have one sharp headbutt. Hello, WHACK, and the adversary is cut. in. half. lengthwise!

May be I'll just tape matches to my brow and light them on fire whenever I'm feeling ferocious. I FEEL A SMOKING HATE COMING ON! and then I light them with one of those piezoelectric lighters they use for barbecue grills and the like. Something like that.

Or may be eyebrows in the shape of hands! I could grope people just by staring at them a little too closely. The tabloids would have me pegged as THE EYEBALLER! I would be notorious. People would start carrying around little trimmers just to be safe.

Who knows? May be I'll stick with the eyebrows I have now...

THE EYEBALLER does sound pretty snazzy though...

2007-08-21 09:14:51 ET

i can't write poetry.
i try but everything that comes out
reeks of stale eggs on a garbage ferry
unreadable, unwatchable, and
worst of all
won't get me laid.
i thought that was the whole point?

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