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oddstar and we all find peace |
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Christine
A parody on love and life.
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| Merry Christmas compadres 2010-12-25 17:30:09 ET |
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Liam had a blast this morning opening presents and being around all of his family. Christmas is hard this year whether people want to admit it or not. I know it is. It's hard for me too. I miss my family and I feel a little out of place. Almost intrusive. I don't know how to act or say. I'm trying to avoid being selfish though. Today is not about me or material things. It's about Liam and his joy and family and support.
I hope everyone is having a great CHRISTMAS, despite your struggles.
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| HO HO HUMBUGS! 2010-11-28 10:56:22 ET |
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The holidays. It seems it's this time of year i struggle the most emotionally. It's rather pathetic. I blame my parents. I guess that's also rather pathetic.
Although, this year it IS different because I have Liam and it's not about me anymore. It's about him. And I'm great with that. I just need to learn to shift my thinking and redirect my focus. It's much easier said then done.
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| This is a pumpkin, pumpkin. 2010-10-22 16:30:19 ET |
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There are pumpkins everywhere. Probably because it IS October and also because I always call Liam Pumpkin. My husband got nervous that he wouldn't learn his real name because I ALWAYS call him pumpkin. Must be his pumpkin red hair and now his incredible toothy grin. He's crawling now. Mobile baby. It's such a wonderful feeling except....
I live with my mother in law and as beautiful as her home is, it is not the safest baby home. There's not much space because 3 out of 4 of her sons came back to live with her along with her 89 year old mother. It's quite the full house. The dilemma now is that with Liam crawling everywhere, his curious mind takes him to all the places he shouldn't go which is practically everywhere. He has about 5 feet by 5 feet of crawl space in our part of the house and even less upstairs. I can never take my eyes off of him now. He crawls for a few feet and I have to pick him up and put him right back to where he started. I feel like I am really starting to slow down his physical development because he just doesn't have the space to move safely. It's creating a lot of anxiety in me. Not only do I feel incredibly guilty about Liam and his situation but I also feel guilty because my husband's mom does SO much for us. I mean, she's putting a roof over our heads. That's huge and I am forever grateful. It's just not ideal for Liam's safety or development. My sanity is also becoming questionable at this point. My husband and I share a room with Liam too. Seeing as how he is almost 9 months old now, this situation is also very not ideal. I know tons of people do it but it's not great for him to become accustomed to ALWAYS being around us. My husband and I can't make a peep when we go in there because he is usually sleeping. We have NO freedom. We have NO privacy. I feel like I am dependent and trapped and a burden. I know it could be worse and I do count my blessings but I am becoming more and more frustrated and this situation would be stressful for anyone. ESPECIALLY because I feel like when I express my disdain for the situation people act like I am crazy or like it's nothing and I'm blowing it out of proportion. That is so infuriating because they obviously cannot empathize. I'm not trying to be selfish. I'm especially not trying to be ungrateful, but damnit I need to vent. I moved 1000 miles away from everything I know. Away from MY family and MY friends. I have no one to talk to. I don't have friends. I am constantly around tension and stress. My income isn't enough to support my family so at the end of the day I find myself blaming MYSELF. I Find myself struggling with self worth.
This HAS to change. For Liam.
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| Summer's Last Breath. 2010-10-11 21:24:35 ET |
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So summer if pretty much over in Virginia. Oh yeah, I live in Virginia now. The foliage is changing. It's really beautiful.
Liam is also changing a lot. He's scooting around on the verge of a full fledged crawl. His personality has really developed into something unique and wonderful. Perfect can't even properly describe him, by any means.
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| when things get hard 2010-05-30 14:37:51 ET |
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& I feel like giving up.
& I know this isn't the way it's supposed to be.
I look at your darling face & I forget every word to all the sad songs I used to know & sing.
& I remember what it's like to be free again.
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| 2010-04-21 16:32:23 ET |
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Liam is so precious. He really brings to light the things that I value in myself and the things I look for in relationships and life. I've always fought hard with my insecurities. They're deeply rooted in my traumatic childhood, but when Liam smiles, all of that disappears. It's all about now and it's all about tomorrow. It's all about the things I can do. I know that I am a passionate hardworking individual. These are the things that kept me surviving, even though at times barely. These are the things that I want Liam to value as well. I want him to learn the value of the spirit of life. I want him to yearn education even in unconventional ways. I want him to be passionate and know that even though working for what you love and want is hard, it is rewarding. So these are the things I am going to try and teach him by EXAMPLE. I am going to give him the love and support he deserves, because he gives me the love and meaning I never got. So many parents get so caught up in the artificial issues of parenting that they forget how to let a relationship with a child be as nature intended, natural!
On a side note but somewhat related- We need to get babies back on the boob and off of formula! I am so tired of hearing excuses about why women shouldn't and "can't" breastfeed! YES, yes you can! Even when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, I still did it because that is how nature intended it to be. I look at Liam and I know that it is the only option! The benefits for him outweigh any personal disadvantage for myself. Some women argue that they can't but unless you have a doctor tell you that it is impossible, you can! Your milk WILL come in, the baby WILL latch, and IT IS POSSIBLE. Don't give up on it. You can do it. BILLIONS of women for thousand and thousands of years have done it this way when there were NO other options. I know there are exceptions but too many women think they are one of them. I apologize for the rant.
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| I still exist. 2010-04-16 15:31:13 ET |
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Everyone, this is Liam. Liam, this is everything. ♥
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| 2009-12-16 00:42:17 ET |
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31 weeks.
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| FuzziBunz 2009-09-11 11:25:32 ET |
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Nathan and I are really interested in trying these bad boys out for the baby. They save a lot of money in diaper costs and are very eco-friendly, not to mention the benefits for the baby's little bottom. :)
If you have a new born or one on the way check out their website!
http://www.fuzzibunz.com/
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| and they never go away 2009-09-03 16:57:55 ET |
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It seems my problems never seem to GO AWAY no matter how hard we try to resolve them.
This is the biggest test of my life thus far.
On another note. I felt the baby move for the first time and it was strange and incredible.
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