2005-03-03 15:46:50 ET|
I feel so selfish right now. and I don't know how to stop.
Living with Amanda makes me feel closer and futher away from her and her family.
The children of the house always treat me like they are the adults. Expecailly her little sister Katie. Everyone tells me "Just ingnore her,thats just the way she is." and "She's just always been that way." They get mad if I say something to her, And I am sick of having to restrain myself. They tell "She's been though alot too." and give me examples of how she gets in alot fights. But She always starts the fights. They don't really understand that this is just the why I am. I mean I know that I am little fucked up but, that little girl has no reason to say she has anything on me. No kids in that house do. They tell me they understand becuase their grandfather is an alcholic. But they don't live with him and they certainly weren't raised by him. They don't under stand that my father has a diese, and why it so sigifigant that he has started drinkily heavliy.sotimes in my head I am yelling
"I'm fucked up becuase when I was a little girl I saw my father on the couch, puking up blood, pissing, shitting on himself, begging for death. I'm fucked up becuase my father wouldn't come home days at a time. I am fucked up becuase I got tormented almost every day of my life not only by my peers but by all but one of the family members I know. I'm fucked becuase I had to raise my brother when I hadn't hit puberty. I can't live with my perents, my mother told me to stop visiting her. I don't know if I'll ever see my father agin. I have no job no home, no family, and I hardly have a future, now why are you soo fucked up?"
But I don't say anything like that I keep to myself.Everything just stays inside my head, then I go to sleep crying tears that are hotter that my face.
I feel like all I ever think about is my self, and it makes me feel soo guilty.
I don't know why I am soo selfish, I just want to stop.