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| It's never Lupus. (Except that one time it was.) | 2010-08-26 17:55:21 ET |
The biopsies came back with a 98% probability that the lymph nodes in my neck are benign. Four sets of blood tests, three weeks, two x-rays, an ultrasound and one grueling hour and forty minute long MRI concentrating on my head, neck and back later, the doctors still have no idea what my deal is. My lymphs are scheduled to finally be removed on September 14th. The doctor didn't wanna do it at my appointment on the 9th due to size and sheer amount. I, apparently, have several more nodes on the left side than I do on the right, a handful of which are moderately to severely swollen. At this point, those are the least of my worries.
I had some serious joint pain a few weeks ago. Join pain that migrated from my joints to the muscles connecting every single part of my body to another. Running theories went from arthritis to a pinched nerve to Lyme Disease to Lupus. I was tested for all of the above, hence the MRI and all the blood tests (and of course, hence the word hence). I'll be getting most of those test results back Monday. I know my doctor, my primary care physician. She's pretty damned OCD, and very aggressive about my health and wellbeing. If any of the current blood work came back positive, she'd have called.
She gave me a 'script for flexeril which didn't touch the pain I've had over the last week, so we're presuming whatever it is is affecting nerves and not muscles. Most of the time, I can't tell at all. (There are days when my wrists and fingers feel like there are broken bones in them.) I feel fairly hypochondriac most days lately. It's always something, and often it's something more than it was the last time. Fibromyalgia was also put on the table. I suppose I don't even care what it is anymore, I just want them to know it's something.
Carrying on an active sex-life, let alone one based in the shit Parker and I are heavily into, isn't possible atm. At least we had that week or so after he got back from Virginia. He's the most supportive guy imaginable. I spend my day trying to pretend I am fine, he spends his day making sure I'm as okay as possible. Mick's great. She starts school Monday, is deeply into reading LJ Smith's Nightworld books and super helpful around the house. My mom's gotten herself as a political blogger. It seems to suit her perfectly. She never has to leave the house, although she's due to move to Florida at the end of the month. I have no idea why I was deemed so lucky to be living this suddenly, and unexpectedly, charmed life, but I'm more grateful than I'd ever have dreamed.
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| More sick and some sad. | 2010-08-02 14:31:05 ET |
Parker's gone for a week. To Virginia, to spend his son's birthday with him. I wish he were able to see Xander more. So is he. He left yesterday and today, well, today he seems.. melancholy. I wish I could do something for him. Then again, in this respect, I always have. That's my sad.
My sick is.. next Monday, they're removing two lymph nodes from my neck. The one under the ear lobe as well as one in the back. The one under the ear is so swollen you can see it from across the room. The one in the back is pea-sized and a fairly new problem. This started roughly two months ago, but my doctor was unphased by it. She said she'd see me on August 9th and we'd determine then if it needed further examination. Two weeks after the first time I saw her, I went back. It had doubled in size. Her tune quickly changed. Sooooooo, on Monday, August 9th, I am having an oncological surgeon remove the node. Oncological. Scary word. They keep telling me not to worry. Keep telling me shit like they're using the cancer surgeon just in case, or because he's one of the best, cleanest cutting surgeons around. Oncological. I really do get stuck up on words.
I hope they just tell me it's something ridiculous like Cat Scratch Fever. Or the corticosteroids for my allergies draining poorly.
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| My body's eating itself... | 2010-07-15 17:34:47 ET |
..but not my fat ass. I've, apparently, got an underactive thyroid. Which explains why I've been sleeping for the last six months, am acutely aware of even the slightest of drafts to the point where my teeth chatter and can't seem to stop this creeping weight gain no matter how much I diet, excersize or cut (not so) random shit out of my diet.
I should find out why in a month or two. Having no family history of hypothyroidism means it was most likely caused by an autoimmune disease. It's not lupus. It's never lupus. Except the episode with the magician, when it was. (s4e8 You Don't Want To Know.)
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| PAE 4.4.7. | 2010-06-01 16:00:20 ET |
I once knew a pair of eyes that quenched every thirst for ghosts I could ever have. I know it'll all be too close to call, but I'm the gambling sort; maybe you heard and now that every yesterday sounds so absurd compared to the travesty of now, I've come in to a mood of sorts to move in you and move you, satiate the voodoo.
Put a little rest is all to all the rag dolls and their accidents and their pins for eyes and shins; what kinda mood it got you in? I could never get you out and don't shout; it's not worth the aggravation please or the come the victims claim them. Mark your celebration on the nuance of my discontent, the development was stunning. I'm impressed much of this was no accident.
Let's call it calculation born of your frustration with my ironic sense of events and the way I calculate my casualties. Because there's no diffidence in romance, God no. There's no invitations either; you just can or can't get near them. Making insolent decisions and commentary contraire; a hypocrites fold and don't you know it, that's enough for to go on so put off the come ons. Come on, let me read you a little bit, just a little then an end to it all that that entails, the structure it erects.
Chemical fences to guard our recent accidents. The world drops off at large but you're center stage so how'd you manage it? That desire ain't no accident, my twisted little pain pixie. Show how deeply that rabbit hole goes. I wanna watch your shadow move is all, effervescent as you been. There's nothing I wanna know like you.
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| House of Leaves. | 2010-05-24 18:11:03 ET |
Way back in '02 when we first met, Parker suggested (and by suggested I mean insisted) that I read House Of Leaves. I finally caved sometime in '04 and read the book. I loved it, as I am sure many who read it did. I remember not sleeping well for the entire time I was reading the book, hurrying to get home from work for those few days to read more. But alas, that is not the subject of this post. In moving, I came across his copy of the same. Taped together, written in all the margins, blank spaces, his thoughts and ideas about the topic, as well as the on-goings in his life at the time. He was at the end of his first poly relationship. Poly by her choice, not his. Whatever that girl did to him, I realize now, is a whole huge portion of what shaped him into the guy I decided to steer clear of for the 7 years it took him to realize he wasn't finding what he was looking for where he was looking for it, and for me to realize that no matter what I did, I'd always have a thing for him so maybe it was finally time to relent and take this particular chance. Toward the back of the book, on a page that simply said "I am." in the middle, at the edge, I found this. I knew instantly it was about me. The timing (chronologically back then) was too perfect for it not have been. I confirmed with him what I had found, when he noticed the look of unadulterated shock on my face. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that someone felt this way about me, just a couple of weeks after we met online, 7 years before we met in person.
"Megan is gone. Gone but a new sun is risen. The golden rays of a new hope. Perhaps the Magdalene has delivered unto me her priestess, the false salvations behind me? And oh, but time will tell the triumph of this love. This love, or the burning fallacy of hope. J."
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