2009-09-18 18:19:04 ET|
This past couple of weeks have been uneventful. As I tried to explain before, all of this runs a strange cycle. An example would be my telling dad that we could take the two deer we had rehabilitated over to Jamie's mom's ranch since they don't hunt there. Dad asked if we were going tomorrow and I told him we had to wait to hear from Jamie since her mom might not be home. His question was why wouldn't she be home, she lived there didn't she. It was as if he could not understand that she works or that she simply might have other plans.
Yesterday daddy decided it was Wednesday. He was adamant that the day was Wednesday. I explained it was Thursday. Dad went to the calendar and looked. He never said another word but he sat there as if thinking on it and then got up and went to bed.
I think daddy knows. He knows something is wrong but he will not talk about it. Daddy always talks. After all these years of living with a chatter box he learned to talk in self defense. You know, the ...."You better communicate with me or I will just keep talking until you do."
My heart aches as I look at this man lying beside me and try to see what is going on in his mind. There must be a fear there that he cannot deal with. His logic is often nonexistent. Jokes we us to share no longer live because daddy has become me and cannot understand them. Games that require logic, the ones he so loved to play, those logical ones that took all of you the entire day to play. Daddy no longer likes them.
I can say that I realize that God is walking by my side but it does not take away the pain from my heart. I know many walk far harder paths with cancer or other terminal diseases and my heart is also with them though it does not lessen my own feelings.
I fear the day I will receive a call that daddy does not know where he is because I know that will be the beginning of the end of his independance.
We are young and I will be glad when I can stop working. I want to be home with dad, to walk his days with him, to take trips with him, to visit places with him and be here, to be here before daddy is not.
So my darlings, this is todays letter.