How to Tell if You Just Blew Good Money to See a Bad Independent Film
2005-06-23 06:00:16 ET

My fiancee and I went to an indy film festival last weekend, and enjoyed ourselves fully. But I found this on, and just found it hilarious, given our shared history.


The film can best be described as “gritty realism” if only because you get to watch every single character take a piss.

The narration begins, “Mateo was ripe for adventure…”

The entire original score is hummed.

The movie proudly states it was “Inspired by the director’s college thesis on Ayn Rand.”

One of the characters regularly smokes clove cigarettes, and it’s not played for laughs.

The film opens with an extreme close-up of a fly resting on a woman’s cheek…and stays on that shot for a full ten minutes.

The movie single-handedly spawns a new motion picture genre—“ninja ennui.”

A character uses the word “jejune” when speaking of their dog.

It’s billed as a romantic sex comedy but the only one getting any action is the robot.

The film is about a group of unmotivated, unattached twentysomething slackers who spend their days bemoaning their fates in iambic pentameter.

In the credits the producers thank numerous militias.

The white girl with the dreadlocks is taken seriously.

The story is told from the perspective of a frustrated writer, a disgruntled teen or a loquacious mime.

The cast spends the entire 100 minutes sitting on a ratty couch in a Village studio apartment getting stoned, staring into space and engaging in deep, philosophical discussions about the musical direction of their band “Paper or Plastic.”

The lesbians never make out.

The indigent farm family all wear “Lucky Brand” overalls.

The movie takes place completely in the kitchen, much to the obvious dismay of the director’s mother.

The camera cuts to developing storm clouds whenever there is tension, to a sunny meadow whenever there is joy and to the contents of an unflushed toilet whenever possible.

The film opens in a freshman philosophy class.

The dream sequence takes up 90% of the film.

The title song finds a rhyme for “Siddharta.”

The director plays five major roles and operates the boom mic.

The movie addresses third world famine and pestilence, by way of a cardiologist’s family in New Rochelle.

Sexual politics is explored in a retirement community.

The only character that doesn’t commit suicide is the wise cockatoo.

- Francesco Marciuliano

2005-07-07 06:03:07 ET

Yes, we did have a good time. And, yes, that is quite funny.

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