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2005-08-23 13:13:19 ET What's the Worst that Could Happen? ------------------------------------- Francesco Marciuliano After a nice, long vacation you come home to find your dog wearing your clothes, answering to your name and pointing a gun at your head. What you had always believed was a childhood alien abduction proves, under hypnosis, to have been an exceedingly unpleasant weekend with your uncle instead. After 10 years of home schooling your children you discover that the film “History of the World Part One” was in fact a joke. Authorities trace all those threatening phone calls you’ve been receiving to your split personality. While enjoying a late night swim you notice that “Beware of sharks” is listed as Number Five under “Pool Rules.” You wake up from anesthesia to hear the surgeon say, “Wait, does renal mean liver or kidney?” You accomplish all 12 steps in AA and attain full sobriety only to learn that you’re still a complete asshole. One day it dawns on you that you were not so much “adopted” as “won,” that you don’t so much originally hail from “Europe” as “a travelling carnival” and that you’re not so much “human” as “a large, pink teddy bear.” Your homemade robot achieves full artificial intelligence the very moment you realize you need his parts for your kit car. While attending a science exhibit with your high school class you’re bitten by a radioactive spider, causing you to vomit acid on all your meals to aid in digestion. The leprechaun informs you that “Neapolitan ice cream” counts for all three of your magic wishes. You find as the last surviving human of nuclear Armageddon you now have all the time and privacy in the world with which to read, only to be mauled by a bear. While driving drunk you smash into a clown car, resulting in 46 personal injury lawsuits. As President of the United States you introduce the Premier of China to the melodic strains of “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting.” Terrorists attack the Shoney’s where you’ve been working for the past 20 years but fail to kill you. |
