2003-11-02 21:41:48 ET|
I fear time has gotten the best of me.
And all my past experiences have aged me far past who I thought I would be right now.
I've been asked if I want to change the past, and my thought is that it can't be done so why bother pondering the if. Because we all know you can't re-write history.
But, I do think some things need to be changed, actions would be a good start.
Plus I need to learn how to be a nicer person.
It seems for about 8 months now my thought has been focused on the fact that for years now I have given my all to people, i've given hard earned dough to friends who I thought needed it more than I, I have put my life on the line to help people who I now know are worthless. People who will always, no matter how much they try, be in the same situation, always be in the same desolate town, doing the same things that they know if they stopped, they could become better and smarter people.
Being that I helped all these people, these past 8 months I have relished on the fact that I was going to start being more self involved, and in fact I did. But, I forgot that good feeling, and my selfishness went to the point of me forgetting who my real friends were, and who really gave a shit. Did I mention that I became a very bitter, uncaring person? Yeah, well that too. I have also become a very exhausted individual.
Every six months or sooner life brings me to a new place. Now don't get me wrong, traveling is my life, I love it, live it, and accept it. But it wears you down, especially if the people you meet and start to care for either become two-faced (a pet peeve) OR start dropping like flies.
Mind you, I still travel, I still drink like a fish, and have a habit of not being able to say no.
I keep wondering where I went wrong, what turn or what place I went to that sent my life spiraling toward some 5th demension where all there seems to be is me, making some life altering decision that strangles what is left of my soul. I wonder what life would be like if I let my natural haircolor come out, and went back to being who I was 6 years ago. Then I catch myself, and have a laugh at my expense, because that is just crazy.
Those that know me, know how much I hate my hometown, and how badly I get along with the family core, but something tells me that accesory might put me on some part of a right track. But who knows, I might be babbling or ranting as usual. There has to be something I can do so i'm not stressed out so much, and where I don't, and I quote a few recent observations "look so angry all the time". I need to scream, that used to help me. Granted it was only for a few days. And I need a back massage, it hurts to move.