2005-10-03 15:41:01 ET

i feel like everything is falling apart.

everything used to be so wonderful.. but ever since james found out that he had a court date and that he would have to stop his habit, it has been horrible.. he still hasnt stopped.. i tell him how i am worried that i may lose him, that he will fail a drug test and get arrested.. but he doesnt care. he wont stop.

ive barely been able to spend time with him these past couple of months, not coz ive been busy but because he doesnt wanna see me. the only time i see him is either at his friend's houses, or at his house where he ignores me.

i hate making a post about this, but i am left with no one to talk to.. no friends.. my life is circled around him, and there is one to listen to me.

i feel like im so starved for love and attention. i mean.. i dont wanna see him 24/7, but please.. act like i at least matter in your life.

i mean.. im going through this stress and loneliness, and its not even about me.. he is the one this is happening to, but in effect i am being left alone and sad.

he tells me to just not do anything and let him do what hes gonna do, and if he fails the test then so be it. but the only way i can just sit idle by and watch this happen is for me to not be there at all.. i just want it to be the way it was a few months ago, where everytime someone would ask me "how are you and james?" i would said "oddly amazing.. everything is perfect.. i love him so much and he makes me feel so loved and happy"

i just want him to hold me like he used to.

2005-10-03 15:52:11 ET

he sometimes seems like he's dying or something.

2005-10-03 16:22:22 ET

thats because he wants to die.

2005-10-04 05:25:45 ET

let him. sounds callous, but you can't help him if he doesn't want help. Break communication, dump his ass and move on. Don't waste your life with someone who just wants to waste away.

2005-10-04 14:33:36 ET

sometimes i agree with that, lately more than ever.

i just have so many plans for the future, i mean the future makes me excited, he is scared to death about 2 weeks into the future.

2005-10-05 04:10:17 ET

you can't sit around for two weeks and watch him destroy himself. That's not healthy.

2005-10-05 13:23:15 ET

ya i know its not healthy, but theres nothing i can do.

he is so dramatic, its like im dating a 13 year old girl who thinks she is in love with a 28 yr old man and then finds out that he has a wife.. okay maybe not like that, but that dramatic.

2005-10-06 05:24:09 ET

lies! You can do anything about it you want. You need to choose to do it.

2005-10-06 13:13:50 ET

ya i know.

2005-10-07 05:27:22 ET

then do it.

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