2006-04-25 04:43:21 ET|
my brother sent me this.. its long but so funny. ahh. i feel so bad for him..
1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.
2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.
3. WWWDWOA? (what would we do without acronyms?)
4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear
physics before doing them.
5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more
complicated than picking my nose.
6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one
of the 300 thousand people in the navy who out-rank me.
7. Being a grown man and having somebody inspecting me everyday to make sure I shaved, put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.
8. Where else would I have the chance to be stuck on a ship with a couple hundred people in the middle of nowhere for six months at a time?
9. Standing "watch."
10. Being guaranteed at least two hours of sleep for every 24 hour period of time.
11. Getting relieved late after standing watch for four hours with a
bullet-proof vest on, a 20lb helmet, and a 20lb rifle in the middle of a typical Floridian summer day.
12. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go
13. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until
either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.
14. I couldn't live without having to write a "request-chit" to do
anything other than breathe or wipe my ass, only to have it disapproved and turned down with a lame ass reason as to why they turned it down.
15. Where else do you get the chance to spend every night in a bed the size of a shelf in a typical closet?
16. Without the navy's influence and good teaching, I would never
have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.
17. There just isn't that many jobs out there where you can rest
assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.
18. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every
morning for "muster."
19. Standing duty.
20. If you really want to have fun in life the best way is to go
live on a ship all year round even when it is in port, and only go visit your relatives and friends back home once or twice a year, after begging for three months for your boss to let you go and rescheduling your trip 3 times to fit the ship's schedule.
21. Knowing what words like "scuttlebutt" and "bulkhead" actually
22. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am not on the ship.
23. Getting to eat meat that comes in boxes labeled " not fit for
human consumption" and "for institutional use only."
24. Where else would you have the chance to be out at sea for 38
days straight, about ten miles off the coast of the Virgin Islands and not pull into a port once? What really made that great was that the captain told us we were going to pull in every week, then we never did. It is really good for your mental health to be strung-along like that.
25. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was
"randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.
26. Waking up every morning and going to "quarters" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the ships internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.
27. Blowing compressed air throughout every crack and
dust/dirt/asbestos/germ filled crevice in a space with no ventilation and spending the rest of the day in that space. Preferably, the space would be filled with dust and dirt that has been building up for at least 20 years.
28. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain
after completing REASON ..27, and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.
29. Wearing the same uniform as an auto-mechanic and having to iron it everyday and get a new one every time it gets a stain on it so that you are inspection-ready.
30. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as
my sister's pet iguana's. The only opinions that matter come from people wearing khakis.
31. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Event then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.
32. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar.
33. I love living in a room with 80 other guys; half of which cannot
lift a toilet seat to piss and don't have a clue what a shower is for.
34. Having the bedroom, showers, and toilettes for the above listed 80 guys in one stinky room.
35. I hate sleeping. Go Navy! Yeah friggin right.
36. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many
people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it
37. I hate good food.
38. I love the " you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.
39. Because I hate spending time with my family.
40. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as
many collateral duties as my chain of command wants to give me.
41. "SWEEPERS, SWEEPERS, MAN YOUR BROOMS. GIVE THE SHIP A CLEAN SWEEP DOWN FORE AND AFT. SWEEP DOWN ALL LOWER DECKS, LADDER-BACKS AND PASSAGEWAYS. TAKE ALL TRASH TO RECEPTICLES PROVIDED ON THE PIER. NOW SWEEPERS"
42. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or printing PQS or even playing a innocent game of solitaire.
43. Having a "PQS"(personnel qualification standard) for any job you might have to do more complicated than itching your nuts.
44. I love the fact that you get paid more if you have more kids to
take care of. I call it the "crack-head reproduction incentive." This
encourages thousands of young sailors less mature than most ten-year olds to have as many kids as possible.
45. There just aren't many fields to work in where adultery is
considered to be a good thing to put on your eval.
46. Because no-one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of english. Try explaining how you swabbed the deck on! the forecastle(but only the slick-deck), while field daying. And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot:
it's enough to make you say FTN.
47. I want a job that will not allow me to go home and see the birth of my child. I think that it would be cool to have four kids and not see any of their births.
48. Hey, at least you can retire from the navy in twenty years. When you get out you can go work at a company with a former third class that you treated like shit, only difference form then and now is that he will be your boss.
49. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your
entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.
50. I like to watch the same movies over and over for six months
straight because that is the only form of entertainment I have.
51. "E! xcuse me, I noticed that you have exceptionally large
shit-stains on your underwear...would you like to do our laundry together?
52. What? You are going on leave? You better go and shave before you leave this ship.
53. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention
until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?
54. Is that local time or Zulu?
55. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.
56. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the
next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my ass.
57. Please seclude me from the outside world for six months; I want no news, no sports, and no word from home because you cut off my e-mail. Thank you, may I have another?
58. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every six
months, only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old first classes and above.
59. "Sorry shipmates, the fog is too heavy for us to pull in. I
guess we'll have to just anchor out and look and the basin all night.
60. It's always fun to try and explain what a Petty Officer is to
civilians(those not affiliated with the military(i.e. 99.5% of the
population.) The literal meaning: Petty: of small importance or consequence; trifling, trivial. Officer: a person appointed to a position of authority or command in the armed forces. So someone who commands something of small importance? Not only that but you get to have grades of Petty Authority. Petty Authority Second Class or Third Class. How much importance can that actually have?
61. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?
62. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and
after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.
63. We spend weeks honing our skills at making our ship airtight
and then when it rains water gets in.
64. Because only during magic shows and navy working hours are the rules of logic suspended.
65. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get
promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.
66. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and messed up whether they need it or not?
67. I like constantly fighting the gravitational pull from leaning
10 degrees one way ALL the time.
68. I like getting my mail two months late.
69. Nothing beats being told that you can't email your family and
friends, unless you wear a tan belt. Again Go Navy... screw that too.
70. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to
practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?
71. Because if you've had enough military bullshit for one lifetime
and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the navy will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.
72. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out
and have the corpsman point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one."
73. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?
74. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the NAVY WAY?
75. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about
4:00 pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every FREAKIN DAY...it builds character.
76. Where else does the Super Bowl Halftime Show incorporate
five-minute long commercials about suicide prevention and "Name that State" trivia?
77. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?!
78. I want to eat nothing but fish and/or chicken and rice as the
main course of every meal for six months straight.
79. After I work diligently for twenty years at the same job I want
to get promoted to the statues of "chief" so that I can share an office with 30 other people that is called the "goat locker." Preferably, this office will not have a view.
80. Because though the Navy's policy is sought to be followed by all in the Navy, yet the Spruance policy can overide the Navy's policy at the blink of an eye. Example: Milpersman says this, Spruance says that...Lets go with the Spruance one...
81. Here's an idea...Lets go to work at 7:00 am, get underway at
4:00 pm, keep working until we have a General Quarters Drill at 1000 pm that lasts until midnight or 1:00 in the morning. Then we can wait in line to take our showers in the nasty ass shower stalls and go to sleep for maybe 3 hours just to get up and do the same exact thing the next day.
82. Lets run a General Quarters Drill and then tell the crew that
they can't take a shower afterwards...what the hell is that shit???????
83.GO NAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No Don't....Go To College.....
84. Flight Quarters for 11 hours straight.
85. Put some of these reasons in the Navy commercials with the
God smack music and see how many people the Navy suckers in then.
86. Sweating your ass of for 10 hours on a working party, then
collapse and go to medical and having them tell you your not hydrated enough even though all potable water is secured.