2008-02-20 15:57:54 ET|
i am so utterly lost. i feel like a stranger in my skin.. who is this stranger walking around my house? talking to my friends? making out with my boyfriend? who is this fucker who took over my life?
i long since lost what makes me tick.. what makes me care.. and what motivates me. i want to say that i don't care, but the truth is that i do. if i didn't care i wouldn't feel like a douchebag who had everything and totally just fubared it. i smoked enough weed to ensure that i slept through my alarms, and couldn't focus in class. i've managed to vomit everytime i feel anxious and scared, which has ensured that i don't leave the house. ive gotten fat and miserable. what have i done? and how do i fix this?
perhaps the sole problem is that i want others to pity me and baby me back to sanity. but from the bottom of my heart i know thats not true. i got here, and i can get out. i just need to work and push myself. push harder. be stronger and have the courage to know i can do this. its been so long since i've even thought that i could do anything, and now i've got to muster it together if im ever to get where i need to go.
at least if i was stoned i wouldn't have the thought capacity to worry or feel bad.. fuck