Small talk will be just fine...
2005-02-12 23:03:17 ET

In another time, another place, there was something both beautiful and tragic, both temporary and timeless of the explanation of her beauty, her grace, and I was the luckiest to see this and, youthfully selfish, I sought to hold it to my heart hiding it from the rest of the world. Thinking that I could steal away what I wanted no one else to find. That I could shield what I wanted to never see stripped apart by any other who even vainly believed that they could come close to feeling what I had felt when she smiled. And this was pure, this was beauty in it's finest. I lost it because I couldn't hope myself enough into her heart, into her mind, and I couldn't believe myself worthy enough for her eyes. What time when I felt so alive and yet so alone? Where does that place find a home? Is it common to feel such a way where to be looked upon for one instant with love and kindness gives meaning to which before there was none? There were only tears and pain and sorrow and this melodrama of instant gratification gone horribly awry and to find something so filling was pure storybook. A trivial work of fiction filled ceaselessly with nouns and adjectives and verbs. Action upon action they flowed through but never coming close to the tragedy of reality, of what is drilled into us as children as being real. Is this love? Is this fantasy? The words on the page were alive but were they enough for life or were they but a cessation to existenceís heavy toll upon heartís brittle form? The wise saw this as resembling a fall from peace and from conscious into a state of ambiguous discernment from nature. We circulate and intertwine ourselves around it never knowing whether truth can be found in a heartbeat. Is that faith? Foolishly I resemble the same confusion that the basis for every scientific theory and plotline to every film rest upon because I had dreamt too late into my own verve of time. A fold where I found love and love never found me out. Who is the lucky one now?

2005-02-20 14:20:53 ET

this is my favorite entry that you've posted yet.

ps:the lady in the picture with you is sooo pretty.


2005-02-20 21:58:36 ET

Well thank you very much... to be honest it's about her. We have been friends for so long that it hurts when I think about how much of a crush I have on her... like I've really never truly been thinking of her as just a friend. It sucks.

But yeah... she's gorgeous. It sucks. I wish ugly girls wanted me to be their friends. It would make my life so much simpler.

2005-02-27 07:49:01 ET

youre welcome.
you never know, maybe she is thinking of you the same way.
things will work out. :)


2005-02-27 11:01:50 ET

Eh... I wish and for a while there it seemed like that was the case but she has this guy who is going to school at West Point that she used to know from highschool and so they are "in love" and I'm physically ill from all of it. She always goes out with these guys that live halfway across the country from her and she dates them for a year and then it's over. It's like a routine for her... she's always chasing this perfection image and if I was really mean I could get her to forget about it all cuz I'm the only person she really listens to most of the time but this is my test, my weight to bear so my plan is to wait til Spring Break... go to Corona del Mar/Laguna Beach for the week and just relax and then come back and if I still feel like I do then I just come out and tell her. It gives me that way to figure out if these feelings are ever going to go away or what and when I find out which it is I just come clean and I think I'll feel better... I don't know about her but if she's in love with this guy I've gotta get my feelings out so I can be free from it. There's this song by a band called "DaphneLovesDerby"... check them out they are on and MySpace... but the song goes:

"And I'm still waiting for you to say that you hate me now
So I don't have to hold on to this burning heart
This burning heart is getting old..."

This is exactly how I feel when I'm around her. Not happiness. Not joy. Sure there's a warm feeling but it's just my "obsessive" yearning for her... I know it can't work out. We are too opposite. Since I've met her I have remained the same and she has changed... before she really wasn't into the same music or movies that I was and now we have whole conversations about all these bands that I introduced her to. It's just... I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's more than just music... it's writing... it's feelings on religion... she had never written anything like "freeverse" before until this one night something like a year and a half ago when I told her that I could see in her eyes "a judging of me" and that she was like all the Christians that I disliked so much (yeah it was mean... and yeah I'm Christian and she's a devote Catholic... but it was just meant for the conversation... nothing malicious) and she went home and cried and wrote a prayer for me. I just found this out too... I was so sad cuz my Freshman year of college I was angry at so much (not to say that I'm not still angry... I just know exactly what it is that I'm angry about) and she was the only caring person I had ever met that honestly cared about me too... I don't know... she tells me this and thanks me for giving her a new mode of expression cuz now she writes all the time. I just don't know...

Damn this shit is long. Sorry.

2005-02-27 13:09:02 ET

Wow...i havent seen a guy care for a girl the way you have discribed in a long time! You must truly care for this girl. Its not just about sex... which is what i always see with guys here at EKU. I hope that you can have a chance... just one chance to see if you two could be everything to each other. By the way you describe her she just might be your soul mate! READING THIS ENTRY MAKES ME HAPPY! She is a very beautiful girl and i would consider you lucky to have such a pretty woman in your life! GOOD LUCK MAN!

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