2006-06-15 21:44:00 ET|
Sometimes, I think I see too much.
I realize too much about a person, in one conversation.
I can look past the barriers they put up, look beyond the lies they tell to hide their true feelings, everyone does it, even I do, more than most actually, I rarely speak my true feelings, I fear if I did, I would not have many, no, scratch that, any friends. Why?
Because I am constantly observing the people I know, analyzing them, postulating as to why they are saying this or doing that, what are their motives, the intentions of their actions.
There is so much I keep to myself, for fear of upsetting friends that I believe it is to their detriment at times, perhaps if I exposed their illusions, help to tear down the walls, it would help them, it would be carthatic to see that at least one person has some idea, some notion of what they are experiencing, perhaps I cannot sympathize but at least, I could aide in the process of casting aside these delusions of strength. The way people embrace their identities, hold onto it like it is their lifeline, I do not believe this is nessecarily a healthy thing, because an identity is a mutuable thing, it can change day to day, hour to hour even, and to base your opinion of yourself on something so fragile, it seems silly once you consider it.
Do not get me wrong, I am no better and no worse than anyone else, I am subject to this weakness as well, it is part of the human psychological condition. Despite what people tell me, I can find fault in their opinions.
People tell me I'm pretty, I convince myself they do it because they are my friends and do not want to hurt my feelings.
People tell me I am skinny, I say to myself it is because they cannot see all my faults.
People tell me I am intelligent, when at times, I feel like I am a pseudo intellectual posuer, who collects random facts and spouts them out with inpeccable timing to make myself seem intelligent.
I get upset when I criticize myself and no one tries to dissuade my opinion or argues with me.
Seemingly innocous comments can strike at my emotional core and evoke sadness, even rage within me that no one can even see because my outer exterior never changes, I cannot even calculate how many times I have choked back these feelings, in the vain attempt to hold onto my identity, of myself being this cold, aloof, practically untouchable girl, who has no interest in people and is perfectly content with spending the rest of her life alone, but in reality, watches enviously as others seem to be so happy with their relationships, and feeling a certain sort of smug pride when I turn out to be right, that pursuing emotional relationships with anyone is a waste of time and energy, that in the end, it will only lead to misery, to open yourself up like that, in that way, is incomprehensible to me, it always has been, just as crying, in any context, conjures up feelings of self disgust in me, as it makes me realize that I cannot be this indifferent ideal of myself, apathy is easy, that is why it is so prevalent, it takes energy to care about others, to become emotionally involved, anyone who does it, gets fucked over, and yet still continues on with this kind of dreamy eyed, romantic optimism, are probably much stronger than I will ever be and I appluad them for either being too strong to let themselves be dragged down by cynicism or pessimism, or for being too stupid to know any better.
There, I have said my peace, I did not write this long winded, analytical post for comments, I wrote it as a mini catharsis, I do not feel any better for writing it, I feel no relief for getting it off my chest, and I have no concern for what others think of me after reading it. In saying this though, by no means hold back if you want to comment, I will honestly be surprised if anyone takes the time to read it. That's just my opinion though, I could be wrong...