2009-06-03 21:32:34 ET|
I am thankful for the fact that I can retreat into a rich fantasy life sometimes.
Now, I am not one of those types who whines endlessly about what a cruel world it is and how much life sucks, I find such talk tiresome and eventually, it becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I do not want to be a burden on anyone which is why I rarely talk about my feelings, I just tend to cover them up with sarcasm and occasional self deprecation, my defenses are always up. I am always on as well because I have this incessant need to either be constantly entertained or constantly entertaining, I do not know what this stems from, I've never sat down and analyzed it, I simply accept it as part of who I am.
Now, this leads me to my other need, which is not to be forgotten, to become known, for something, not too concerned with what that is, preferebly something art or writing related and not mass or serial murder related but I'm young still, ultra violence might seem more attractive as I get older and more desperate.
I realize how unrealistic that is, yes, 99.9999% or some such ludicrious percentage of people live and then die anonymously, billions over the life of humanity, so few are ever remembered but there is that drive within me. But as I get older, I have begun to realize that life is meaningless without joy, you can work your whole life, make a decent living, be comfortable and not be happy, there are billions of people who are like that and I don't want to be one of them.
Related to this subject, I am so tired of feeling as though I have to compromise myself in order to "make it" in the world. I have to be careful about what I say and how I look and what I do or else I'll never get anywhere in life. I look upon people who can freely dress up anyway they wish to, have crazy hair in vibrant colours, they can be creative and experimental with themselves every day and I am envious of them because I feel I cannot do that, it'll impact my ability to get a job, I am too concerned about making a living that I am not actually living.
Of course, counter point to this is that these are people who are generally several years younger than me, probably have no bills and are not working a generic job if they are working any job at all, nor could they even get one looking the way that they do.
As you grow older, you get dragged back down to earth and to the sad realization that most people will not accept you if you chose to be yourself, it makes me sick honestly. I don't care how anyone looks, that does not make them who they are, clothing, accessories and the like are merely used as accents to one's personality, they are an expression of one's inner self, to be judged on that and denied anything based on that, is disgusting but that's reality isn't it?
Once again, I am relieved that I can escape into a rich fantasy life or else I probably would have gone insane and taken out a kindergarten by now. Ha ha, I am suddenly reminded of one of my newest favorite quotes," Honesty is the best policy but insanity is a better defense!" Truer words have rarely been spoken.