2003-12-12 21:46:56 ET

I am having a crazy night...

I need a hug, or atleast someone to make out with:)

I went out with my exgirlfriend tonight. We had a stellar time. Went to dinner. We went and met my lil sister and some friends at a bar. We were there and because my younger sister and my exgf share some of the same friends it turned out awkward. My ex during dinner was soooooooooo touchy feely blah blah. It was nice and familiar. Then one of her friends brought some dude that obviously knew my ex. They must have gotten together or somthing I don't know. Everything just turned real weird.
The night was so nice until...

I have too much pride to be the one who does not know the inside joke. I left. I don't need to be toy'd with. My feelings get all torqued. I don't even know why I set myself up for this shit. I must love self punishment. I think I could have stayed and prolly took her home tonight. Honestly! But I don't play games... I feel above that. I AM lonely, but not enough to tear myself down. I think I did the right thing by leaving...

but fuck.......

I keep getting into situations where I could solve some of my lonly issues if I was to bend my morals. But then who would I be? Cheap? Fuck!


My guitar got knocked over, and chipped:(

It got knocked out of tune... WAY OUT!!! :(

That REALLY upsets me...

Like I let a freind down.

Like Im irresponsible.


I have worked myself silly almost. I am gonna buy myself a cooper mini for a kinda your doing good gift next month. I am totally focusing on improving myself as a human and to stay busy enough not to get all fogged up with emotions...

I don't do depression. I am not good at it. AT ALL!

So I keep myself completely busy. Atleast its productive. But I just want a fuckin hug from someone I respect. Thats way too fuckin hard to find right now.

I used the word fuck alot... sorry

2003-12-12 21:50:28 ET

*big hugs* i'd make out with ya but my kisses are spoken for..so i'll just give ya loads of hugs :)

and you definately did the right thing silly, you don't need to be played with like that it's not cool. you are better then that and deserve much more.

hang in there and something great will come your way :)

2003-12-12 22:06:15 ET

Good man for not bending your morals. sarasidel was right, a good girl will come your way.

I feel for you with the guitar thing. My cello is like my child. I have a hard case for it, but I let myself get distracted and someone sat on it in the case!!! I was so frustrated and angry I was nearly crying. What a dumb fuck.

2003-12-12 22:08:38 ET

with love of music there is much passion... I admire you:)

2003-12-12 22:11:40 ET

i wanted to play cello in my school band in junior high but they didn't offer it :( i was quite upset.

2003-12-12 22:19:23 ET

I started in 4th grade when they had it in the schools in Iowa. They never had it anywhere else though... but I managed to find symphonies and private teachers everywhere I have lived. Do you write at all double helix? And being a chemist in training, I must ask with your id if you're a science guy as well as a music guy.

2003-12-12 22:23:53 ET

I AM A SCIENCE GUY! You would think chemistry by my nic, however my passion for science is in physics. I love cosmology and theoretycal physics. I like the place where science fiction and true science hold hands.

AND to be honest I do write... By memory though. I have had no formal music training and I know how to read music, but only the very basics.

I would die to here you play:)

2003-12-12 23:22:41 ET

I could record something and e-mail it to you. I would also love to trade music we've written if you have any in a form that could be sent over the computer.

2003-12-13 01:33:32 ET

i'm sorry that you we're put in this awkward and CHALLENGING situation. you've got some strong willed morals in ye! repsectful! the greatest guys always get the rotten luck..what the fuck man...oh and the word fuck is the BEEEST fucken word in the plantet!!! i agree... *hugs you hard* you'll be ok...you sound strong and determined to live on..your son is sooo cute! oh and by the way...hi i'm sandra...LOL <3

2003-12-13 08:49:58 ET

:: hugs the Russ :: keep busy, don't bend those morals your much to wonderful to just settle for someone.

2003-12-13 09:56:23 ET

ooh i thought i was the only one who hated to be surrounded by a group of people and be the only one outside of the inside joke. *big long hugs* for what it counds for =) You're loved Russ, and you can come make out with me next time you need to.

2003-12-13 10:42:11 ET

I feel the same way about pride versus loneliness. It's a tough choice, but I'd rather be alone than sad in a group because I'm pretending to be something I'm not.

Hang in there. You have music, you have stuff you're working toward. As down as you may be right now, it's a feeling, and it will pass. Stay tough, and know there are people here thinking about you. =)

2003-12-15 08:08:15 ET

I so wish I was there to hug you, or makeout with you, or both. And yes, you did do the right thing by leaving, in the long run a night alone will be better on your mind than cheap meaningless sex with an ex, even if it sounds good at the time. -LOVE!!-

2003-12-23 05:02:05 ET

Aww, I wanna hug ya.

But if there was some weird inside joke going around, I'd probably leave too. The way I see it is if a group is together but they still have someone on the "outside", thats fair enough game to leave.

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