Pets.
2006-10-15 15:46:40 ET


Bonnie - long haired dachsund (Beastus bonnicus)



Mashina - African Giant Black millipede (Archispirostreptus gigas)



Caesar - Emperor Scorpion (Pandinus imperator)

2006-09-21 16:33:39 ET

You can stand waiting for the ferry all day and when you're finally on the boarding ramp all your hopes are dashed by that one single question - "Are you circumcised?". You look around sadly, faint hope of someone being there to cover for you but all you see is a long line of boarders stretching all the way to the next pier like some John Holmes centipede made up of circumcised men and their circumcised women. At least you think they're women. They sort of look like werewolves.

"Are you circumcised?"

Desperate.

"Uh... yes?"

Gruffly.

"Pull down your pants."

Shock.

"What?"

"Pull down your pants."

Shit. That's it. You're done in. You're done for. There's no where to go. He'll see your dick and throw you overboard to the sharks. The sharks look hungry.

What to do?

What to do?

You pull down your pants.

The guard shrieks in pain as a sudden flash of ultraviolet light singes his corneas. He topples over the rope railing into a fierce, fiery, and desperate (now feeding) frenzy of sharks. You could swear one of them gives you a wide, bloody grin and a fins-up. Behind you people (and werewolves) are chattering.

"Did you see that? My God!"

"That light!"

"Why, he's UNCIRCUMCISED!!!"

2006-09-20 16:18:25 ET

I took a ride on the wings of Pegasus and steered him towards the sun. FRIED HORSE CHICKEN, HERE I COME!

Definately needs a rewrite and a finish. A beginning would be nice too.
2006-09-20 08:31:45 ET

Prepping for the fight he waited for him to leave for work - graveyard shift. Sat in the car for an hour waiting for him to leave, then went in through the backyard. Opened up the fence gate with a padlock shim he fashioned from a Guiness can, left it a little open, brought in the ladder from the boot of his car, and leaned it aganst the back of the house. He figured he could use a bump key to get in through the front of the house but he didn't want to deal with any alarm systems that were due to be there. He could cut the phone lines but that'd leave obvous traces of his visit. He didn't want that. He went in through the second floor bedroom window. No one ever bothers to lock windows on the second floor, they're not alarmed, and if you go in right into the bedroom you don't have to deal with any motion detectors in the hallways. That, and a ladder going up to a window in the back of the house is much less conspicuous than doing it from the streetside, obviously. Still, he tied a rope to the end of the ladder so he could lower it gently after getting into the house and raise it again when he needed to. He turned on the light and looked around the room, noticing a drawer by the bed. He approached it and opened it up revealing a blue-finish .38 caliber snub-nosed Colt detective special. He noticed the horn of the hammer was filled down all the way in order to remove any surfaces that may snag. Oh well, time to do a little filing of my own, he thought. He swung out the cylinder and looked inside for the firing pin and started to file it down just a bit. That way, after the first shot, the primer cap would expand a millimeter or so out of the cylinder, effectively preventing the cylinder from turning and thus jamming the revolver. This would buy him some time the next morning. He put everything back, cleaned up the shavings, turned off the light, raised the ladder, and made his way out of the house. Ladder out, he locked the padlock behimd him. There was no evidence of him being there.

Blue Ring Octopus
2006-09-20 08:31:00 ET

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9trGnkHzxqo

Based on a true story.
2006-09-20 08:26:52 ET

Excuse me, sir?

I don't work here.

Excuse me, sir?

I don't work here.

Excuse me, sir?

I DON'T FUCKING WORK HERE!

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

He runs out, blood on his shirt, and sees cobwebs crisscrossing the sky. Insects from space have invaded this hemisphere. There is a shrill noise and he drops down into the fetal position as his eardrums rupture suddenly, blood gushing out. He relaxes. Silence. He looks around him, still curled up. There are small people everywhere. Shrunken with fear and paralysis. The earth rumbles. A crevice opens up revealing fire and lava below and people start falling in as three hundred foor needle legs look like metal descent upon the ground and scurry about. Some trip in the earth cracks, legs start to burn, more shrill screaming. He doesn't hear it. He feels it. His lungs rupture inside. More blood.

2006-09-20 08:26:31 ET

http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/1005/1005_feature.html

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