Based on a true story.

2006-09-20 08:26:52 ET Excuse me, sir? I don't work here. Excuse me, sir? I don't work here. Excuse me, sir? I DON'T FUCKING WORK HERE! *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* He runs out, blood on his shirt, and sees cobwebs crisscrossing the sky. Insects from space have invaded this hemisphere. There is a shrill noise and he drops down into the fetal position as his eardrums rupture suddenly, blood gushing out. He relaxes. Silence. He looks around him, still curled up. There are small people everywhere. Shrunken with fear and paralysis. The earth rumbles. A crevice opens up revealing fire and lava below and people start falling in as three hundred foor needle legs look like metal descent upon the ground and scurry about. Some trip in the earth cracks, legs start to burn, more shrill screaming. He doesn't hear it. He feels it. His lungs rupture inside. More blood.

2006-09-20 08:26:31 ET http://www.naturalhistorymag.com/1005/1005_feature.html

MILK AND COOKIES!!!

2006-09-14 23:08:28 ET Octogenarian? Is that like... eight assholes or something? No! It means she's eighty! You... you're banging an eighty year old? Fuck yeah, man! That shit's hot! Wrinkled for my pleasure! Where the hell did you find her? Oh, yeah, that's the best part. I found her... in a nursing home! Alright? Ok? I got this great gig going. Her head's not all there so whenever I sneak in through the window - cause she's on the first floor, right? Anyway, I tell her I'm Santa and that I've come to give her her "present". Then I fuck her! She doesn't even remember my name! And the best thing is... she leaves me milk and cookies! Dude, that's... that's just sick! MILK AND COOKIES!!!

Jeb "Pig Dick" Washington

2006-09-14 23:07:57 ET Goddamn, you know you gotta be into all this kinky shit if God gave you a corkscrew pig dick. I get told by all sorts of women - it's a curse, it's a blessing - and when I fuck them silly all of a sudden their eyes light up and it's "oink oink oink" to orgasm. Fuck me like a Christmas ham. Thank God I'm not Jewish. I'd be washing myself three times a night if it came to that. Can't even touch my dick cause it ain't kosher. Thank God I'm not Jewish. One girl that did stay with me, I could tell she dug it. But, fuck me, if she didn't one fine morning try to go at it with a fork thinking it's breakfast. May be she just hadn't had her coffee yet but one look in her eye told me she wanted some of that mighty fine corkscrew pig sausage for breakfast. And I don't mean that in any fancy symbolical way. I mean she wanted to fork, knife, chew, and goddamn swallow my dick in mush and pieces. Fucking crazies. You don't even know it until they're comin' at ya yelling "SEND ME SOME PIG, SAUSAGE MAN!" Fuck.

SPROCKETS

2006-09-14 21:16:54 ET I just came in my pants: http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/users/07/samjenk/sprockets.mpg 1 comment

2006-09-14 20:32:17 ET Wake up, boys and girls! You're about to be visited by the Down Syndrome Fairy! Leaving little batches of chromosomes under your nest. Checking your palms for the simian crease. Wake up next morning and find a surprise, look into the mirror with new almond eyes. The sun shines down on you after the fairy visits you. The fairy is a two-hundred pound dwarf with dragonfly wings and a handgun shoots pellets of americium. Got a big syringe and pushes the needle deep into your spine while you slumber. Presses down on the plunger and lets loose thousands upon millions of chromosome 21 latched on the backs of herpes simplex virii coursing through your lymph ducts bribing T-cells for a free pass. Ain't nothing like a genetic hijacking. Pass the barrier and get deep into the meat of it. Take you down, that's what the Down Syndrome Fairy does. Down like a peg boy in Morocco. One night you go to bed all dreaming of things to come, you get paid a visit soon as REM stops. Then you're in the deep sleep. The Fairy comes over all quietlike like a cat and jabs the hollow metal rod deep in you. Next morning you wake up screaming and shrunken, with a sloped forehead. Smaller eyes. Impeded brain. Police detective arrives in an hour and takes notes while you drool on the floor, eyes fixated on the ceiling fan going round and round and round. "How long has he been like this?" he barks. "Oh an hour or so now. We heard him yelling his guttiwuts off and came running down. We found him like this, drooling all over. Called you first thing, we did, yessirree." The drool puddle has increased in size, enlarged by the salival torren emanating from your mouth. It spreads like some enzymatic sea. Swallows a house centipede unfortunate enough to wander close by. "Get me HEADQUARTERS!" he barks into the radio. "I want to speak to the HEAD!" There's an explosion of static, suddenly stops, followed by a constant buzzing. It is Al Azif - HEAD of HEADQUARTERS. BZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZZZZ The detective nods in an absent minded manner. He is waving a geiger counter around the room scanning for radiation. BZZZZZZZZZCLICKZZZZZZZZZZZZZCLICK BZCLICKCLICKZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ CLICKBZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ".....I understand, sir, raped in all her orifices. Jar of butter, yes sir. What was that?" BZZZZZZCLICKCLICKCLICKCLCKZZZZZZZCLICK BZZZZZCLICKCLICK "I can't hear you over the radiation." A shadow passes over the window. A sound of breaking glass and the detective freezes and turns green and drops. Mouth agape. Drooling. Americium pellets burned into his back. His radio continues to buzz. Suddenly the sound turns into a disharmonic shriek that overtakes the room. There is a stench of burning flesh and a panel bursts open from the detective's spine. A small winged yellow-green creature flies out, gas mask for a face, buzzing incessantly, bearing the scars of fresh radiation marks. It is Al Azif. HEADQUARTERS lays rotting inside the detective body, set aflame by the radiation pellets. Al Azif looks around, panicked, and makes his way towards the window. A shadow passes. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBUGGERZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Al Azif lays smoldering. A retard version of his former self.

About Apep.

2006-09-13 11:14:04 ET This is me: This is Matt: Matt bought a snake at the Reptile Expo: It is a male Kenyan Sand Boa (Eryx colubrinus): We then attempted to make Gob poses with him: Matt named him Apophis (I think) but I'll just call him Apep: 2 comments

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