2008-12-07 20:42:33 ET

He had two dogs and they were Drano and Liquid Plumber. He said he
named them that so that they'd flush out trouble and liquidate his
enemies. But all they did all day was lounge around the yard and shit
in the most inappropriate of places. One of them shat in my shoe. It
was a good shoe. It was Italian. Liquid Plumber shat in my good
Italian shoe. And I think, last night, Drano sodomized a raccoon.

Before this he had cats. Only they weren't cats. They were servals. A
serval is another way of saying "crazy motherfucking African wild
cat". He had a pack full. He taught them to attack the gypsy children
who were always stealing tomatoes from the garden in his yard. After
the gypsy children nearby started mysteriously "disappearing" he
rounded up the servals and shot them all in the head to dispose of the
"evidence". We had good burgers the next day.

He told me the next animals he's going to get are going to be a pair
of pandas he had smuggled out from an illegal Chinese wild animal
preserve. He's going to film them in heat and, according to him, "make
millions selling panda porn to local zoos." Personally, I think he
just wants to fuck them himself. He just can't work up the nerve for
it. He tried that once with some ostriches he had. That's why now he
only has one testicle.

2008-12-07 20:39:19 ET

Does this womb come with a manual?

Not really, sir. Once it's installed your body pretty much knows what to do with it.

But I don't feel any different.

But of course! This model was designed for comfort.

So how do I know it works properly?

Well... let's see... see that book over there? That's Moby Dick. That's a pretty big, heavy book. Now say you want to take that on a road trip only... you've forgotten your luggage.

Alright so what do I do?

Just pull down your pants and shove it in your womb. Try it now.

Here? Oh well... alright. Hold on a second... ughn... hrk... it's a little... ok. It's in.

How does it feel?

Wow. Actually I don't feel anything.

Exactly. This model is designed for comfort. Ok. Now try jumping up and down. Yes, like that. Now what do you feel?

I feel... Moby Dick banging up my womb. Is this safe?

Absolutely. The interior is very well cushioned. In fact, we even have models that are designed for passenger carry.

Passenger carry?

Yes, when you want to smuggle small South American children across the Mexican-American border.

But won't they get bored?

Not with our new models. They come equipped with tiny flat screen displays and DVD players. It's a new option. We call it a "Womb With A View."

2008-12-07 20:38:57 ET

how many miles must i walk in my socks
they took my shoes so i wouldn't get out
but i try not to stay attached
i've gone to the bridge i'm going to drown

2008-12-07 20:38:42 ET

He would stay up at the late hours of night typing away at the keyboard. He had all sorts of journals and social networking profiles that he created under false identities - all of them women. Then he'd go on a spree friending a bunch of females and constantly checking their updates waiting for a moment of weakness. Then, when a girl looked like she might be going through a hard time emotionally he'd buddy up to her and convince her that life would be less complicated if she "...got into exotic dancing. Now I normally keep this advice for myself but I feel like you're one of my closest friends and us girlfriends have to stick together!" He grinned slyly as he tapped away on the grime covered keyboard thinking himself so fiendishly clever. And clever he was. Some still say he was, singlehandedly, responsible for the Great Stripper Boom of 2010.

2008-12-07 20:38:25 ET

I remember living in rural Pennsylvania as a young child. Our family was dirt poor but our childish naivete prevented us from seeing things as they truly were. I remember that for one day during each summer our father would load us up in the back of his pickup and drive us over to some rundown town down in Appalachia. He'd drive through it real slow and we'd look at all the inbreds and drunks sprawled around and point at the mutants that roamed those gravel roads and lived in shanty wooden husks that once used to be houses. Our dad called it the "Circus" and our little excursions were dubbed as "going to the circus." For years that's what "going to the circus" meant to us. Almost a decade later, when we moved to the city, he took us to see a real circus that was traversing the nation at the time. Stuffed full of acrobats and elephants and clowns and circus seals. I was never more disappointed in my life. I wanted to see the inbred halfwit with the dead fetus of a twin still attached to his forehead drunk on homemade whiskey and lazing about with a piss stain covering the crotch of his pants.

2008-12-07 20:38:09 ET

Some days it's not worth getting up. Someday our beds will come with wheels and we'll drive ourselves through dreams and die as we plunge off bridges thinking we can fly.

So here I am.
2008-12-07 20:31:25 ET

Rock you like a hurricane?

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