2006-08-13 03:21:17 ET|
Abortion?: I've tried it once but couldn't figure out where the forceps go.
Death Penalty?: The death penalty is a lot like crab meat. Yeah.
Prostitution?: Hey, how else will you pay for the nursing home?
Alcohol?: Fermentation is the second biggest cause of society's woes. The number one cause is Fertilization.
Marijuana?: Marijuana killed Lou Gehrig.
Other drugs?: If you put them together they make a nice rainbow. Eat the rainbow, see the leprechaun.
Gay marriage?: Fuck no. Fags are queer.
Illegal immigrants?: I've got this gig going. I get them across the border for $150 a piece and then narc on them for $150 a piece. Easy money.
Smoking?: People should go easy on their lungs and employ smoke IVs.
Drunk driving?: It's not drunk driving if your hands aren't on the wheel.
Cloning?: They should clone JFK. They should clone LHO.
Racism?: Is what people do when they're too lazy to find a real excuse for hating someone.
Premarital sex?: It's not premarital sex if she's already married.
Religion?: The fridge is my martyr. It empties itself for me.
The war in Iraq?: Send in the clowns. Clowns make everything funny. You could gas everything and it would still be funny. Plus clowns eat children so they can't exact revenge.
Bush?: Taught me all I know on the dangers of dwarfism.
Downloading music?: Downloading music is like paying for sex slaves from Eastern Europe - a victimless crime.
The legal drinking age?: Is irrelevant when you can ferment alcohol in your gizzard and have a stove pipe pipe out the carbon dioxide.
Porn?: The scourge will leave us mitten handed and one-eyed.
Suicide?: Only works once. Twice, if you're lucky.