| 2003-06-07 04:51:12 ET |
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things are much better right now...I'm sure things will change as the day goes on, and I'm sure I'll flip out...but right now, I'm ok, but a little tired.
I have my family thing today at Ardenwood Farm...I'm looking forward to it. There will be a celtic festival there :]
I don't have much to say other than 31 hours without smoking...I hope I can keep this up...it's really tough...much tougher than I ever thought it would be. Yeah, I knew it would be hard, but looking back, I had no idea what I'd be in for...the psychological games I'd play with myself...my subconcious is trying to be sneaky, but I keep catching myself in the act.
Ok...time to go get ready...
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| Last one, I promise... 2003-06-06 21:42:10 ET |
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oh my god...twenty four fucking hours without a fucking cigarette...how do i feel? grumpy as fucking shit...someone give me some fucking nicotine before I bust a cap up in dis bitch.
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| Entry 5,000,001 for Day 1 2003-06-06 17:42:42 ET |
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WHY did I decide to quit?? What the hell is wrong with me! I want a cigarette sooooooooooooooooooo bad :[ I'm snapping at everyone...I'm totally stressed out besides.
I finally got through to Festoon...They're not hiring but the woman almost insisted that I should come in for an "Externship" to meet everyone and stuff, spend the whole day there and help out, too...from 9:45am-7pm...jeebus...but why should I waste my time if they're not gonna be hiring for apprentices?? HELLO? I need to get my apprenticeship app into the state board...ugh...jeebus, I wish I looked for a salon before I started school. I wouldn't be so stressed out. She sounded like she was thinking, "Relax, girl, if you've got potential, Polly will snatch you up."
Gotta fix my hair by then...gotta fix the color...it's hideous. Must go buy hair dye.
Anyhow, I want to go buy a pack of cigarettes. I want to bum one off of someone. I want to sit down, and relax with a smoke and a beer. ugh...sucks. My head is playing tricks on me, and it's really hard not to listen to the voice that's constantly whispering "Come on, Shan...just until Loki quits..." It's hard to convince myself that it's OK to quit...sometimes I don't wanna quit anymore...and part of me is looking for a reason..ANY reason to start up, and I've only been quit for 20 hours.
My mom is so fired...This whole party thing, she's said one thing, and then changed it and not made it clear...like, originally we were gonna get a half-sheet bday cake, right? Like, just enough for the people who are coming. Well, she nags me and nags me, and I double checked, even, saying, "So you want a half-sheet, right? With no custard filling?" and she said "Yes" So that's what I ordered...and I called her a few minutes ago and she asks me if I ordered a quarter of a sheet, and I was like "WHAT? When did you decide it was a quarter???" ugh...exasperating...I think she's going senile...and I know I'm over reacting, but it's only because I want a cigarette so bad I can't see straight (no kidding).
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I would try to go find a pool to help with quitting, but I don't have a suit anymore, dammit...All my suits have been destroyed by time, and damn...swimsuits are expensive...plus I need a cap and new goggles. I suppose I could swim in my army surplus goggles, but I don't think they'd work very well.
I'm so tired...and I know it's from the lack of nicotine...I'm kind of excited about this Festoon thing...I hope they see what nes and hillary, and a number of others see in me - that I will be awesome with hair and makeup.
gaaaahhhh....send me "festoony" vibes!!! :]
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| Good points about quitting 2003-06-06 13:58:44 ET |
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OK, guys...sorry, but there will be a lot in here about my struggle with Nicotine for a while...
It's been 16 hours since my last cigarette...the oxygen in my blood has increased...and the carbon monoxide has decreased. I'm having massive mood swings...when I crave, i cry. Loki bought me some gum, though which will help...another good thing: I will have very fresh breath for a while :P
oko...nappy time :]
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| 2003-06-06 07:27:42 ET |
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doooooob E dooooo....
Waiting for laundry to go in drier so I can take a shower...yummy showers :]
Got my second orientation class today. Yay...and stuff. I'm so tired, though...I just wanna go back to bed.
Man...my hair is just starting to repair it's self, right...starting to get better from bein all tangled and shit...and I want my dreds back. I can't, though, if I don't wanna go bald. My hair is SO thin right now, it's not even funny...I'm gonna try to wait until fall or winter to do them again...and at that point, I should definately be in a salon, so I can do them all sorts of shades of blue in honor of winter :] tee hee (Doctored Locks will love me) :]
I ran into the woman who may or may not be Michelle from Barbarella again...she looks so different without her extensions in...I should have just said, "You know what...I'm sorry...you're Michelle, right? You look really different without your extensions." But I didn't think of it at the time. Anyhow, she's moving to London in August...working three jobs right now, trying to tie up the last few loose ends so she can leave. Ugh. I would feel sorry for her, cuz things didn't work out and whatever...but fuck, dude, she's moving to England...to LONDON even. I totally don't feel sorry for her :P I would LOVE to live in London. I would be the happiest girl in the world, if I could move to the UK. Maybe I will someday :]
Ok, my laundry needs to be done soon.
So far so good in the land of no smoking...although I'm craving one right now...I haven't had one in ten hours almost.
I keep thinking about my ex best friend, Jenn. I had a dream about her, in which I decided to be friends with her again. I ran into her somewhere, and she said something like, "Shan, I know you hate me, but I really would appreciate another chance. I know I fucked up bad, and I don't deserve another chance, but I'm pleading with you." or something to that effect. it was wierd.
Ok....tiredness must leave me...gonna go wake up and get ready.
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