not alright
2007-04-04 06:45:32 ET

Haven't been online because my computer got a virus attached to svchost.exe. I'm reformatting it right now, and using my roommate's laptop for the time being.

Oh, but wouldn't I be able to use the internet at work? Well, I'm not at work. Wasn't there yesterday either. I've been having insomniatic episodes like crazy lately and it has been messing with everything so much that I just can't function during the day. My back hurts as I'm trying to sleep, so I toss and turn for hours in frustrating consciousness... and then in the morning my back feels even worse, like it did back last summer.

I know the reason for all of this: I've been going through a really bad depressive phase recently. I'm sure it's related to my current period, but hell, I've had many of those over the past several months and haven't reverted into a lethargic, self-hating state.

It can't be the sunlight; as Spring comes into bloom there is plenty of that to help my SAD... can't be endorphins, because I exercise daily and have stopped eating any sugar and pretty much all processed white grain.... has to be situational. I know this. I have $15 in my bank account right now because I've been struggling to pay off my debt to my stepmother as well as make my new car payments. I'm saving money on gas now, and I don't spend nearly as much money on food as I used to, since I eat so much less now... so where is the money going besides debt payments?

Granted, I dyed my hair a lot last month, and ordered out a few times... but adding up everything that would be considered a "want" buy rather than a "need" buy, if I hadn't spent that money I would only be saving about $150 last month. And honestly, what's the point of living when you can't spend your own hard-earned money on yourself?

I just lay on my couch or my bed each day and go off into a trance. Monday at work I barely noticed what was going on around me, and people were asking if I was alright. No, I'm not alright. I'm horribly lonely. I hate lying in bed each night alone and knowing that this situation won't change anytime soon. I hate going to work and hearing every single one of my coworkers talking about their significant others, and being the only one unattached.

Why am I so dependent on a relationship? Actually, I don't think it's that-- I've had enough bad experiences with relationships recently to make me want to think twice before getting into another one. I just miss closeness with people. I miss having someone to talk to and share my experiences and woes with.

Unfortunately, being depressed like this only seems to push people away, thereby making my situation worse.

2007-04-02 09:28:52 ET

Lars, here's something for you to brighten your day:

A Special 300 Trailer


2007-04-01 13:31:30 ET

hi! *waves*

2007-03-21 16:18:06 ET



2007-03-19 14:36:41 ET

I drew Lars.


it gave him gas.

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