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2003-09-19 21:46:56 ET What a fucking life... Yesterday... I woke up late, so I had to take a taxi for school, when arrived I noticed that part of my bag pack was open, I didn’t find my calculator, which means I probably left it on the taxi. Then had an exam, which I don’t feel like I did well on it, crap. Back home had to but a new calculator. At night had the rehearsal, I think I sucked too, I was playing horrible. Today... I woke up early, had another test, I sucked as well. What fucking else? Well, so today it was the thing about the painting contest, there, I got very disappointed, not for me, I didn’t won anything, I recognized a lot of damn good works, I’m nothing but a damn amateur fanatic painter, I’m truly a crap, I now that, but what bothered me was that there were many “works” terribly awful, pure shit, disgusting pieces of crap; I don’t understand it, I’m really, really sick of this new modern art, pop art, abstract art, or fucking whatever the shit of name you want to call it. I’ll never accept that shit as art. Since when did one of the seven fine arts become something this horrible? I can’t stand it, what the fuck is a lot of paint mixed the crap out without forms just shot there in a canvass? I fucking hate it. I don’t know who was the fucking asshole who started all the new modern-thing art, I know I don’t draw and paint that well, but what’s all the freaking deformed crap? All those shitting snobbish rich people, of course, these artists paint all the bullshit so they can think “oh, this is too weird, I can’t understand it so it means it’s good”. Fuck, I should have been born either on a past century or in another planet. Nothing seem to be going good for me lately: the fucked ups of yesterday, the shitty paintings from a while ago, I had even planned -after the painting contest- to see an orchestra playing the famous Adagio and Violin Concerto of Samuel Barber because the painting shit was supposed to be at 7 pm and the concert at 8:30, but of course, I live within bastard humans, and they painting stuff started at 7:40, ending about at 8:45 pm, so I couldn’t go to the concert. Why, fucking why? This crap writing hasn’t demonstrated but my pathetic evidence of how I’m completely useless at what I want to do. I’m not of those fucking teenagers complaining that they don’t like school, if I’m going to school right now is because I do fucking want to learn and study something I like, yet I seem to be a shitty failure, so I try to complement it with drawing and music, and I’m also uncared for people; every single shit I want I can’t do it well ironically because I want them too much. This all crap-about is only resumed as how I go from disillusioned and depressed to angsty and upset about most people out there, yet returning to a new pathetic, sad and depressed feeling. I sound so bitter I think I’m close to death, like a very old man about to die. Yes, lately all this suffering has made want to be dead, not like always that I’m uninterested for life or death, but lately do wanting to end it all, to die, to vanish, to never exist, yet I cannot die right now, I promised to a friend I was going to help her sister on a school project, and I’d feel bad if I don’t do it, so I cannot die, at least after November... heh, whatever, maybe I just need to relax, but what for? I know I’ll be this bitter sooner or later again; I’m still going to be a pathetic human waste I’d like to at least be unaware of it, I’m tired, really fucking tired of always knowing I’m going down by my own fault. |
