2004-11-27 20:41:48 ET

I guess itís nothing new that Iím always updating this thing only at midnight, for it seems itís the moment Iím more calmed and have nothing else to do.

So, as I have been mention the past entries, all this past week Iíve been feeling like total crap, that is really decayed, on Friday even some schoolmates told I looked different, that I was being very quiet, in deed that day I felt not wanting to talk much... apathy at it best. Sometimes itís also because Iím aware Iím a really boring person, I never have topics to talk about with anyone... constantly changing thoughts for one moment to another, like:
ďIím not sure if I had to calculate alternate current or direct current, was it the same line voltage for a delta or for a star? Why is it said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, when some Buddhists believe the key for a long life is not taking breakfast? On depressed days I only eat twice a day, some others I eat too much. I wonder who or when does the Neapolitan Sixths chords started using, Iíve seen them used by Brahms and Chopin and from there on. Why am I always so alone, Iíve been the one who ends up considering interesting some people, but Iím either boring or freaky for the others. Maybe I wasnít supposed to use the same voltage formulas for the by-pass capacitor as for the amplifier extension. Theyíre showing up again reruns from the first series and I already missed one episode, damn, I wish the series didnít end like that, even I could write more plots. Iíve never drunk more than 6 beers and Iím not sure if I want to find out how drunk can I get. I keep having some problem to control the bow when performing forte at fast notes or stacatto. I wonder how would people miss me if I died, maybe they would care much, I guess Iím not special for anyone, Iím just part of something else anywhere, just a tiny futile piece, not very important. What would happen it that tree was hit by a lightening? Where are my gloves? Iím feeling sort of cold on my hands; my room is always the coldest one. I wish I could sleep one day peacefully without waking up concerning on having to something.Ē

Thatís about my random thoughts over and over, hence why Iím never have something to talk about with anyone, I know theyíd find boring, hence Iím quiet. Yeah, maybe I wouldnít do a big missing for anyone, I guess Iíll just keep breathing this oxygen for the moment.

2004-11-27 21:20:48 ET

Have you ever thought that maybe what you need is a change of situation? Have you thought if the college path you've chosen is really what you want? Is there maybe somethign that interests you more? Is there somewhere that you'd drastically rather live? Is there something else you'd rather do for a job?
I know it seems rather shallow and maybe repeated, I only ask because I recently made a big change in my life (moved to a different city), and I'm now better and healthier and happerier than I have been for years. Maybe it would work for you too. <3

2004-11-28 12:58:33 ET

hey i havent even finished reading it but i know i would be upset if you died, ok now ill finish reading.... good ...stay alive.. and samita has a point. i hate my job and if they havent already fired me im quiting because my boss makes me feel useless and worthless. i dont want to put up with it anymore... it would be insane for me to stay working in that environment for much longer.. i just need to find another job.
remember if you will then you can.

2004-11-28 21:33:36 ET

Sami: Yeh, I've asked myself those questions a lot. Trying to answering them: The college path I've chosen, in deed, I'm not sure of it, I love math but I'm not very joyful about doing circuits practices. Something interests me more? Definitely music, I wish I could one day be a composer. Another place to live? not sure, perhaps just somewhere with a cooler weather. Somthing else to do for a job? maybe teach math or music, or draw or paint. I appreciate your concern, though I doubt I could do drastical changes like that.

crystaltears: I'm not really likely to go and suicide (of course I've thought of that severel times in the past, but just thought of it, not tried); I don't feel it's me who should cut my own life, I'm kind of more open for some else to do it.

Anyway, thanks for your comments. Like for the thousandth time I think that here in are more people who may understand me that in my daily life people. At least here I can dicide to spend some time reading about others and such.

2004-11-29 07:04:42 ET

omg! i love building circuits. you dont like it? maybe something more creative is for you?

2004-11-29 17:59:38 ET

The reason why I haven't been too interested in circuits is probably because our teacher is a damn cockoff retared cocky ass, he wants us to already know everything and the way he teaches solving the voltage and current gains is really bad, he mixes up everything really bad. I think I'd maybe be more interested if I had another teacher or even better trying to do it from a circuits magazine. I know that maybe in other circunstances I'd be very excited doing circuits like a child plays with lego, but due the actual facts, I don't feel very motivated about it.

2004-11-30 05:21:05 ET

cockoff!!!!!COCKOFF!!!!!hAAAAAA!!!that sux to have a bad teacher. i had a VERY bad one for pro tools, this guy had NEVER used it before, had never werked with electronic music only acoustic drums! AND he was hired as head of the music department. regardless i am moving on to electronics. that class(electronics) i took last summer the teacher kicked so much ass it made me want to do it for a living, he was hilarious, outgoing, he cared if you learned it, detailed to the point of extreme. he would come in drinking coke and be like my wife wont let me have anymore after 8, lol! i cant wait to get into the credit circuit courses. apparently the electronics program is awesome here. yeah it IS totally like legos and i loved legos, man i would always pine at k-mart for the huge lego kits, i remember i got a big lego kit for christmas one year, one of the best christmas'. radio shack has this killer robot you can build i want it so bad but its like 200$ :( sorry i just had coffee! is there any other teachers to teach the circuits class? that is so fucked up he mixes things up! he shouldnt be teaching it. yeah i dont get the math and formulas behind them at all yet. fuckin ohms law. i hope after taking a few math courses and getting into "math" mode it will be easy. it's just formulas right?

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