I don't know...
2005-09-12 19:16:38 ET

Eck...I have more to write.

I'm listening to "I won't make you" by Something Corporate. First of all, I can't listen to Something Corporate without sobbing, but this specific song is just a heart breaker for me.."Konstantine" does it too me too sometimes.

Something Corporate has a special place in my heart. I lost my virginity to "I won't make you." (weird, huh?). I lost my first true love to "She paints me blue". The first time I cut myself I was listening to "Konstantine".-Something Corporate and I have a history together...

I realize my life is one big melodrama...which a lot of, I create but especially the parts Idon't create, those are hard. Andrew McMahon (along with the lovely Chris Carraba) bring back so many memories.

When I was over weight, when I had stringy/curly/poofy hair or short hair and cut off bangs, when I was a regular "cutter", when I was in a painful and destructive relationship, when I dug girls...like fo' reals, when I was nearly a high school drop out...well more of a failure, when I was an abuser...I felt normal.

I feel out of place these days. Good grades, beautiful friends, healthy habits, a clean cut look, being in love, having a good home life, having an acting/singing career that's taking off...just feels odd. I feel out of place, this is all too surreal. I'm more sad now than I was when I should have been a basket case.

What in God's name is there to be upset about? I guess I'm only truly happy when I'm sad.

2005-09-13 12:19:20 ET

I get that statement...
"What in God's name is there to be upset about? I guess I'm only truly happy when I'm sad."

2005-09-14 08:01:04 ET

Just give it time. I had trouble adjusting for a long while, too. To being happy and non violent and alive. When you're down for so long, it gets to be all you know, gets to be normal.
Just keep reminding yourself that this is now. You can miss the old days, just don't let them prevent current days.
Always was so strange, feeling out cause I feel happy. heh.
It passes though.

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