2003-04-01 20:38:40 ET

i'm sick and everything irratates me, everything, i spent twenty minutes yelling at the TV, then made aynie yell at me because i tried to get her to yell at the tv too....

why is the world at large so completely assinine and inane... have become completely agoraphobic over this issue, i'm a conspiracy nut only because i believe that everyone in this entire world has scheme's and alterior motives...i wish i wasn't born intelligent i wish i was born like all of them out there...i wish i was born blissful and forever ignorant, blind and unable to see the propaganda and lies pumped at us from all angles, i wish i could buy clothes from the GAP and that it would make me happy, i wish i never read a drop of robert anton wilson, or never heard of the discordians, or never moved from colorado to indiana, i wish all this shit because this fucking ride is started to make me sick...i look out the windows, behind me the ghetto with people selling crack to each other i look foreward and the millionaire street of meridian and all the lexus's cruise by, i look where i'm standing and see the students and couples who are crossing over that bridge into there late twenties....and i look at myself and all i see are eye's....GREAT BIG EYE's millions of them covering my body like a pox, open and seeing, percieving, taking it all in, my hands are eye's, my legs are eye's, and all i am is vision,

the only absolute truth in this world is that there is no such thing as absolutes....i've said this a thousand times and i have recieved a thousand odd sideways glances...such an obivious contradiction what is wrong with me...its not a contradiction...its the only truth in this world....there is singluarly no absolutes in this world, not a one, all things are empty reflections in your mind of what lies outside of it, glimpse, blurrs of it in the corner of the eye, everyone is dying to grab a hold of something whole and real, but there is no whole and there is no real, all things are immutable liquid, and the harder you grip the quicker it shoots from between your fingers....

once you gain insight you will curse it, you will understand that you have shortened your path, cut down your circle, there is no freedom in enlightenment, its a cage...a cage high above all things with a perfect view...so you can sit and watch everything unroll infront under you...to far away to connect with, and all the screaming just gains you the reputation of mental unstability....the cusp of buddha mind is a high step of transendence from vision and clarity down into simplicity and present state mind...i can not close my eyes there are to many of them....

2003-04-01 20:43:01 ET

i hear that. sometimes i'd think it would be so great not to question everything and to stop trying to see what bad can lie behind the good and what good can lie behind the bad. but i guess this is the life we lead. and i've been this way as long as i can remember.

2003-04-01 20:54:57 ET

its a curse...its something you begin to unfurl in hopes of a kernal of something pure at its heart but theres nothing inside of it, once you reach the other end, what is there, tapping your foot and twiddling your thumb and waiting...for some one, anyone...to catch up to you....

2003-04-01 20:55:59 ET

i wish that there was white or black, good or evil, any of those things, instead of a million shades of gray

2003-04-01 20:58:02 ET

i find it hard to make clear decisions because i can see most sides of any argument and counterargument. thank god i was never on a debate team. those are so "it has to be purely for or against." ick.

2003-04-01 21:02:57 ET

yelling at the tv is good fun! :-P

2003-04-01 21:05:12 ET

i can make decisions thats not hard, i just do whatever the hell i want, for awhile i explored the responsibilty through extensentialism route but right now all i want is destruction, i have an hunger for it, i want to be destroyed, i want to destroy i want to see something actually happen. the only responsibility i feel i need to adhere to is those that make my life more convient nothing else, i have no conscience about this either, i feel embittered to the whole world for not trying to see anything, for blindly wandering on,

words are useless, thoughts are rare, nihilism at its best could only hope to go to the depth its brother entropy has gone, i want to be entropy, i want to be the driving force leading toward nothingness...i'm sick and i can't see any good in this world right now....

2003-04-01 21:06:39 ET

did you just say you had an appetite for destruction? gnr, huh?

anyway...the reason i don't make decisions...i see most sides of things and i really don't care what i do/what happens.

2003-04-01 21:10:17 ET

oh yeah i understand that, thats a biproduct of relativism, once you release your self into the ideals of relativism you see the many sides of all events and enough ego release can give rise to those sorts of feelings, its also a trigger to nihilism....but either way...in the end, lack of action is stagnation, and i'm not looking for stagnation i'm looking for movement...

2003-04-01 21:13:50 ET

i let life carry me wherever. if i'm around someone and they want to do something, they'd better not ask me if i want to. if they take me, i go. if they don't, i don't. either way, i'm doing whatever works at the moment.

now if i'm given a second choice that's drastically different, i could make a decision. like, do you want ice cream or do you want to join the navy? see, i can make that decision. but do you want to go to a club or go home? i don't care. clubs suck. home sucks. clubs, i get to meet people. and maybe hate them. home, i know i hate it, so there's no chance for disappointment. but if someone says, "we're going to a club," i say "cool. let's go." i'm weird.

2003-04-01 21:21:14 ET

the path of least resistance....you should study electricty

2003-04-01 21:22:07 ET

are you telling me to become an electrician?

2003-04-01 21:28:40 ET

nope just study electricity...

2003-04-01 21:34:59 ET

that sounds meaningless. aka: sounds like fun!

2003-04-01 21:35:32 ET

meaning is something we assign, not find...

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