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2007-01-09 15:16:28 ET
yeah, i could not handle living in the bible belt again. i'm at least glad i'm living in l.a. - although voices from my past keep telling me there's something wrong with me because i live in l.a. and work for an industrial club, among other things. that is my biggest frustration and stumbling block, i believe, is that nearly every older 'christian' i've ever known, and what the church has become in general, is so fundamentally flawed it's become damn near impossible to even sort out the truth from these people. god's people and the church strike me as mostly closed-minded morons who aren't living as jesus would want them to at all. but then since i'm one of few who thinks like this, i'm the anomaly, and therefore i'm the one who's made to feel like the problem. i'm sorry but i simply can't believe that fundamentalism is anything but bullshit. god doesn't need or want me to change how i dress or change what music i listen to, who i hang out with, etc. etc. to be more 'perfect' to become saved. i had always thought that god could and would use anyone and anything in any situation for good, and evil only has as much power as we give it. it's gotten to the point where i don't even know what right and wrong is half the time because the christian church has set up this stupid religion full of false standards for what is 'sinful' and what is not. it's hard for me to even read the bible anymore lately due to all its misinterpretations and the voices i hear reciting it for their own needs and not god's or my own. and then i've been told i'm selfish for feeling this way by fundamentalist christians, which just makes me feel more like shit. how am i selfish to believe that god wants to save those like myself and not just the 'perfect' christian bible thumpers that strike me as nearly as bad as the pharisees in the new testament?
it's so frustrating. the one thing it seems that christian people oft times try to do is be like jesus without realizing that they aren't or never will be like jesus. that's why we need jesus. if we were jesus, we wouldn't need him. and no one is as wise as he is...but i know some people who sure as hell like to act like they think they are. there's so much noise coming from the 'christian' community for someone like me to deal with that it's enough to make me want to shoot myself in the head at times. and i'm just frustrated with myself as well because i don't know what thoughts are me and what are god's because some of my very own thoughts seem to make more sense to me than the thoughts the church likes to tout as god's ideas. and then other's of my own thoughts just lead me nowhere. i've been way too introverted and thinking too much for too long now and i need to figure out what to do about it...i'm just terrified of becoming a part of the religion of christianity because i don't believe it is what god wants at all. |
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