It's not my life.
2007-04-10 07:17:49 ET

Ok. Fight with husband yesterday is still bugging me. It didn’t intend to be a fight. I approached the subject from a view of “you are hurting and I can’t stand by and watch it.”

My husband is an artist: Temperament, sensitivity, and needs to create. Lately, because life had not been real easy, not easy since the move, He has shut down. He made a couple of paintings this last December for Christmas presents but other than that, not even any random stick drawings or surprise wire roses.

Have you ever lived with someone whose entire existence is to create and he is doing nothing?
The sarcastic, playful, opinionated man whose daily goal is to leave some stranger speechless is missing. In his place is left a vacant and untalkative wound who just wants to be safe.

WE can spend WHOLE DAYS in the same house and no words are said besides me asking if he’s hungry for lunch etc…

I’ve tried to encourage by example… I have project piles about the house I am working on. Patterns for some new clothes, the lamp I am painting to look like stained glass, scrapbooks I am sure I will never finish and I even pulled out a watercolor I started a year ago.

No bug in butt to start working on his own. He sits around, makes speeches about responsibility and mows the lawn.

So I told him how I felt yesterday. I pleaded with him to start something. Set up a canvas, work on a script, work on his book, anything.

It became a fight. Am I in the wrong? Is it my part to stand by him as he gives up this piece of his life?

2007-04-10 08:23:44 ET

In my opinion, I don't think you're wrong at all. Sometimes people, especially myself, need a jump when our batteries are dead. Sometimes when we try to do right it is perceived in a way we never would have expected, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the wrong thing, perhaps after mulling on it he will realize the intentions behind it. That's just my two cents.

2007-04-10 23:04:17 ET

Sometimes people get in a funk and all you can do is be there for them when they come out.

Call me if you ever need to talk


2007-04-11 02:39:15 ET

i think i can empathize with both of your sides in this particular situation...but yeah there's nothing wrong with beliving in the man you love and showing him that you want him to be himself. theres this stupid thing called "reality" that can really do a lot to wear down us creative, free-thinking types at times...i know how frustrating it can be...

2007-04-11 03:45:12 ET

The hugest difference between our temperaments is that I am not very passive. I learned to fight for how I want life to be a long time ago. I don't always get my way but it doesn't stop me from trying. My husband sees reality as some force he cannot change so he must adapt to. The problem is, I think he is misinterpreting what he should be adapting to.

we talked again. He's not mad at me, he's just tired. A friend of ours who's style is pretty much like hotel art, has just landed a gallery here in nashville. He's happy for our friend but it convinces him all the more that there is no place for his art.

2007-04-11 04:58:17 ET

fuck reality, i say. make it what you want it to be. "I learned to fight for how I want life to be a long time ago." yeah i think i'm maybe learning even more how to do that's tremendously frustrating. but why on earth would i want to sell myself out and live the same mundane shit life that 99% of the population lives? and then it's even more frustrating and depressing because i care about all those people too...meh.

i watched edward scissorhands earlier tonight and cried at the end...cause i'm just that depressed lately d-:

2007-04-11 14:21:58 ET

I always cry at the end of Edward scissor hands. It's a beautiful movie.

The fight isn't always easy but well it sucks when you don't try and it sucks when you do. At least trying for the life I wants has some happy moments.

2007-04-11 16:02:37 ET

isn't there a saying? "It's better to regret something you did, then something you didn't do"

2007-04-12 07:21:01 ET

I haven't heard that saying, and I don't think I would want to live that way anyway. There are somethings I am really glad I did not do.

2007-04-12 08:18:42 ET

I don't think it's meant as an absolute, and I don't even think it's in the same vein as "eat drink and be merry". All that it's saying is that regret born from not doing something spawns the countless scenarios that "could have been" and hurts a lot more, generally, then done something and regretted a single outcome.

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