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2003-02-04 15:33:49 ET i spent four hours drawing a fat, grisly, naked russian man today. they obviously don't screen models here. but i learned quite a bit today. i've always avoided drawing/painting like the plague, i have no confidence in myself with it. strange days upon us. a lack of friends or entertainment is reshaping my mind; neural bridges being built and tightened until both hemispheres turn inwards on themselves. many things have to be learned all over again; interacting with people (orally and physically), possessing a rigid sense of time, eating, .... while i'm continuing to make progress on learning the subconcious. the night before the space shuttle exploded, i had horrible nightmares, possibly interpreted as prophetic? i wrote it down when i was on the train with izzy to NYC. i'll find it and post it here. i've been entrusted with Gothbeater (circuit bent casio sk-1, built by plexus) in ariel's absence. it's very versatile and i've enjoyed working with it very much. i also have his chaos pad, which is always fun to play with. if i can just get my computer set up, i'd be getting somewhere. " Now, I'm alone. I sit and stare, at my long, long fingers. Ten inches is a monstrous size. It doesn't do to glamorize... I've taken this before, but I'd like to try it again. But I'm confused between sexual, murder, magic, and medical. Is the difference metric, or imperial?" I have far too much quiet time here, never when I need it. If everyone can send me your adresses, I will try to write to you. Any that I did have are on the computer at my home in Connecticut, so I need yours again. Including eulaliacarp, who sent me a postcard as an appetizer, but did not put a return address. my skin is becoming more and more transparent. soon i will look like i belong in formaldehyde. the bags and creases under my eyes have become painful looking to other people. sometimes the silence is maddening. because it isn't really silence. it's the high pitched hum of florescent lights and computer screens, the low whirring of thefans from heat vents, the turning of pages from all corners of the library. all the things I learned at an early age not to acknowledge, they're still there, preventing the natural flow of thought, all energy is expended tuning it out. that was one of the original appeals of owning my first aquarium years ago, now the constant sound of trickling water makes me nauseous. i have dreams of white noise when sleeping next to the tank in my bedroom at home, it's all related, and very damaging. i have other sleeping problems here, mainly a neighbor that doesn't understand the concept of travelling sound and common courtesy when living with others. she doesn't know the loudness of her own voice, she giggles loudly with equally loud friends late at night. she rips open the door of her room and puts all of her weight on her heels to walk through the kitchen at one in the morning, then shuts the door loudly on her return. i want her loud ass dead. i hear a thud or bang from her room (which occurs often) and i dream that she fell and cracked her fat head open. how many kicks was it again? ah yes, three. going back to my room now. |
