2010-02-24 20:13:30 ET
So, this was posted on the local sportbike forum - but I thought it was hilarious. So ENJOY! WARNING: if you do not have a sense of humor go back.
Hispanic Squids - I am where the words "MUY MACHO" find a home. I am cooler than a spearmint blowjob. Please note my gold rimmed sunshades, my stretched Gxsr-600 with gold and chrome everything, watch me tuck in and vanish at 130mph on 275N. Yes, I have an awesome helmet, you'll note it's on the side of my bike where it belongs. Cornering is for suckers, I take corners with my feet on the ground, tiptoeing through them. Any gear that I wear has to match my awesome white (untied) sneakers, my shorts and polo shirt. Yes, my gold is all fake, but dammit it's EXPENSIVE fake.
Young White Squids - My bike is held together with zipties, bungee cords and luck. The only reason I'm alive is because god favors fools and infants and I'm somwhere in between. I keep crashing my bike, but apparently I haven't taken the hint yet and I won't until I'm dead. Unlike Hispanic Squids I actually think I can corner, which is really inconvenient when I realize I can't and end up crushed into a tree, fire hydrant or oncoming car. Sometimes I wear gear, sometimes not, but either way it looks like crap. If I were a drug I'd be crystal meth. Cheap, tacky, but what a rush - right up until it kills you.
Old White Squids - screw you guys, I'm filtering through all of you. I've got a little money, enough to afford a lawyer if I have to - so fck you all. If I'm married, motorcycling is my weekly attempt at suicide OR it makes up for the fact that I can't stand the thought of having sex with my wife any more so this is as close to a boner as I'm gonna get. Cars are the enemy and the ones painted black and white (or black and tan) are the "enemiest" of them all. If I show a car driver any consideration at all it is on accident - you are an object I am navigating around. I am counting on you being more afraid than I am of braking at the last possible second before dipping in a turn, so I might just pass you on a double yellow blind trn and then tip in, leaving you with your mouth hanging open and a small puddle in the crotch of your pants. If I'm not filtering in between you all then look for a cop or look for my friends, because it isn't out of consideration for you. I spend all my hours dealing with you jackasses in my suit and tie world, so when I'm on a bike it's my brief chance to let you know what I think of you, you're minivan, your offspring, lifestyle and values. I'll probably die doing this - which suits me fine as this is a big part of what has kept me from shooting up a post office or flying an airplane into an IRS building.
Black Squid: Mostly, I ride to scare white people. Helmet, gloves and a leather vest with a club name on it. I may also be the ONLY black guy on a sportbike wearing a WWII German Helmet. I like to LOOK like a criminal, roll like a criminal, star in hip hop videos depicting criminal activities - but GOD HELP YOU if you accuse me of being associated with criminals, because that's racist. I may belong to a group called "The Scare the Hell Outta Crackers, Onyx Riders Association" but if you ask me about it I'll say that "Crackers" can mean anything, our group is about unity and that "Onyx" is a rock and has nothing to do with skin color. Riding skills are suspect, as I mostly only ride in groups, in a straight line, in parade formation. Other than Harley Fags, I am as close as it gets to "riding about an image, not an experience."
Also - I don't have much of a sense of humor and never smile in pictures. Instead I like to throw up gangsta signs and look constipated, pissed off, or both.
Squidette: No matter what evidence there is to the contrary, getting a motorcycle was entirely my idea. I didn't buy one to have just one thing in common with some guy, some prick that ended up taking my dog after he f*cked my sister on my birthday... who does he think he is?? No, I bought a bike for the freedom of being on two wheels, and because the nicest people ride motorcycles, and because this new pink Icon jacket is sooooo hot on me (you know who you are). Guys really like independent women, and nothing says independence like a GSXR. I'm a careful rider--if careful means putting toilet paper down before I kneel on the bathroom floor of QS&L to blow the hot guy on that silver Beemer!!