2010-05-27 09:34:24 ET

What the shrinks at the eating disorder treatment center said was right. "If an eating disorder isn't properly treated it will come back at any time, with or without reasons."

I'm feeling the same awkward ways I did when I was a teenager. I'm catching myself in the same silly routine. Make it stop.

The same self-deprecating second thoughts when I actually feel kind of happy... I totally feel like I don't deserve to feel happy. Like I don't deserve to get sweet little text messages... I deserve none of this.

2010-05-27 10:04:09 ET

Once you develop an eating disorder, you always have one. It will always be there. I am a recovering anorectic and I will always be in "recovery" because it NEVER ever goes away.

2010-05-27 13:49:02 ET

I am just curious... just want to explore stuff... what you are saying here is that you feel guilty of sorts... by observing the pictures your face looks progressively thinner by lots... before my imagination had told me you were on alli pills... but now my imagination is saying something like "throwing up diet" cause its got to rationalize where the guilt comes from...

my imagination is trying to rationalize where the guilt from text flirting comes from... my guess is that 954 is text flirting but he doesn't know how you are managing your figure? He likes your sexy self but doesn't know how you manage?

2010-05-27 15:03:20 ET

I haven't been bulimic. I've been using clenbuterol and avoiding meals. I hadn't touched clen in weeks until today.

No, I don't feel guilty about 954 in the slightest. That was falling apart months
before I met him.

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