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2005-06-29 18:34:29 ET learning from ones mistakes is natural. So why can't I do it? good fucking question. More specifically, why can't I learn from a mistake I make over and over and over always to regret the outcome.. I think the simple answer is that I want to be in love, I want to feel that love all the cheesy songs are all about, love to die, die to love, for love. Thing is, do I have the capacity to love someone like that if I can barely manage to be considerate of those around me that I have grown fond of? Probably not. I am self centered and self involved. Very common thing to be as a young american. So I've dropped into a stereotype, great. Isn't that what I always wanted to be, to be the crowd, blend in with the morons. Okay, so I don't and now that I am being ridiculous I see that over reaction is the road I am taking. Cool, somebody ought to cut me down If no one else will. so mistakes to be made, love to be lost and I have baggage that needs to be cut from my hands. This baggage not one needs to be dropped, it needed to be dropped 4 months ago when it dropped me. After surgically removing it, it needs to be tied to an anchor and thrown to the bottom of the deep light black sea. fuck. fuck. fuck. I should be more like Terr and remind myself that I have said this all before, that I have felt this anger before, that I have felt used before, like a novelty, his 18 year sub to his 30 year old dom. THAT is not who I am, I do not like being dominated, I am not submissive. I will not have some fucker tie me down into a lie, a lie that I fabricated to make myself default backwards. Backwards into his sticky skin when I am trying to sleep, realizing that sex with him was only good because I couldn't remember what good sex felt like, realizing that no matter how "liberal" he pretends to be he is a racist sexist dick. A product of this environment we are forced to rot in. Why didn't I see this? Why didn't I see this last time? How come I didn't recognize the defeat I felt for what it really was, defeat. I was defeated because I was conquered, to be taken. Not to share. Tell me why no matter what he says he still treats me like a little toy that no man gets but him. He expects me to be jealous of the women he fucks and is surprised when I am not. wooo welcome to the world of the rational, the people who think and don't blindly react. did you ever stop for one second to think that the poor girl halfway across the world was not the only fool in love with you? I say fool because the fool can not even figure out why she is driven for your affection, most of the time this fool doesn't even like you, she feels anger and loathing for your backwards existence... way to go dramatic |
