2007-07-09 20:15:55 ET|
I wrote this letter to a friend of mine and I thought I would repost it here. I feel melodramatic. thats ok.
I am doing so-so. I think i might take defeatest attitudes about things so when I do defeat myself or do things I know are possible but wish would not happen I can just feel vindicated. But what kind of vindication is that? Predicting your life will take a turn for the momentary bad or worse and then it does. Conference politically was amazing. Emotionally it was extremely difficult for me. Adam and I never talked about our lame break up. I broke up with Alex because I convinced myself he had slept with someone else. Hopefully this is the real end. As much as I love him and at times miss being intimate with him our relationship is hell. Neither of us can make up our minds. He ignores problems until I explode. Now I am honestly having a hard time
living with him, which is like no shit right? I have never had to deal with something so solutionless in my life. Alex is a crucial part of my life and is so fully integrated into my life that even though I feel it would be best to cut him out of my life completely there is no way that is possible. Instead I am stuck living with him because neither one of us can afford to move out. This will not destroy me and I will get through it. It will be ok, but right now it's not. I walk around my own house avoiding reality. I can't talk to him about it because what is there to say. We had a long talk when we got back from Chicago where I proceded to say that I wanted to at least try to have a healthy relationship because I felt like it might, somehow, be worth it. Nevermind the evidence to the contrary. It is true that we never really tried, but how could we? The truth is that I do not want to be with him, but for the past two years as rocky as it has been I have always fallen back on that. Even when I felt emotionally drained by it all I could always cuddle him and it felt ok for an hour or two. Now thats gone and I feel like I'm starving. Don't worry this is not the end of the world for me by any means. I do have a life outside of him
and that helps alot, but it doesn't stop it from being hard. I have to tough it out because it's the only thing I can do. Long answer to a short question, huh?
The political period is pretty amazing I have met so many people in the last couple of months who were totally amazing. I have two great folks I am talking to right now that are (hopefully) coming to the Dave Z event.
School, school, school. That question has been haunting me since conference as well. Brian(you know the orange and black one) gave me a pretty intense piece of his mind about how wrong he thought I was to leave school and do this apprenticeship. I would like to say a few
things about that.
1-I didn't leave school because I wanted too. I was not doing very well and I left school with maybe 18 units after a year and a half. I was working because I felt like I had to despite my mothers opinion contrary. If she wanted/could give me enough money to comfortably live
then it would be a different story but it's not.
2-I did not have any intention of going back anytime soon even before I applied for this.
3-If I hadn't done this now I might have done it later.
4-it's hard work, and not very intellectualy stimulating but I could make enough money to put myself through school in 8 to 10 years. I am 20, thats hella time.
5-If I went back to school now I cannot gaurantee that I would not leave again. I would not be going to state. City is way out of the way. I would have to get a lower paying job again and work less hours putting myself in the same place as before.
I am a very smart young woman, but I do not feel like I am wasting myself. This job is not a dead end. A college degree does not gaurantee me a better future. That has not been true for some time now and I doubt it will be true anytime soon the way things are looking.
Those two things- my broken heart and evaluation of my decision have consumed much of my thinking time these days. Like I said, it will get better and this will not kill me.
I care about you very much. I do miss you. Where did you move? You postponed your plans for Ireland? Tell me whats been eating you. I hope we can get together soon.