constant whining
2005-11-06 16:03:07 ET

couple days ago there's this guy who wanted me to do him some favors, thus he asked me out for dinner. he's in the same club with me, but i've only seen him once, in the pub (in the dark). so when i saw him first in the light i was pretty shocked. "what a big head you have!!" i was like miss little red riding hood, staring at the biggest head i've ever seen. it's width were almost measuring up to his shoulders -- typical manga style. i was busy eating my dinner and when i looked up it was like a friggin statue from easterland was staring down on me. i was scared shitless. also because of his gigantic head it gives the optical illusion that his face is really up close to yours, which made me feel very uncomfortable. even though he seems like a very nice guy, i still wish i won't have to see him very often :P
i'm so hungry, there's nothing to eat around the house, except for white bread, which i've been eating for the past coulple days. even if there were anything else, i don't have the strength to take them from the fridge and heat them up anymore, i wish my stomach would shrink so i don't have to feel hungry all the time...... all my money went down to guitar lessons, i may not be able to pay for DJ lessons this month..... it's all my fault, shouldn't have spent my money for guitar lessons on something else couple months ago..... now i have to pay. god i wish november would pass quickly, i need money real bad. all the midterms are sprawled across this month, plus my band are going to put on some shows on december so we have to practice alot this month. it's all squeezed together.
i wish i could get a job at apa (music studio in taipei), you get to meet lots of musicians when you work over there. they're recently advertising for a secretary but sadly i have classes on every afternoon. fuck.
i'm going to see candy wine this saturday, it's a really tough taiwanese girl band, don't see much of them nowadays -- taiwanese girl bands i mean. plus i got free tickets for the movie NANA -- yay!! (for those who don't know NANA, it's a very famous japanese manga. recently they've made it into a movie. it's about two girls, it's about rock n roll -- picture francesca lia block's violet and claire, and violet a rock star lead singer instead of a script writer -- there you go.)
actually someone dropped out of school couple days ago. she told me not to tell anyone so i wont. but i feel pretty bad about it. she was one of the first that became my friends, but she rarely came. when she told me that she was dropping out (because she feels that she's "not ready yet", or some dumb ass reason like that) and is going to prepare to spend another year taking the college application exam. i didn't like her at that time, so i encouraged her to go for it. she was all fucked up anywayz. but really i think i knew that she didn't have to do this. her english level was way above our department's requirment. since all all the other inferior students could hold on, why couldn't she? ah, but deep down i was WAITING for her resigning. why? because i DETESTED her. because i felt INTIMIDATED by her. i hated to see a girl once as friendless as me and even against the class slowly gain popularity and respect. she reflects my image as a loser. that's why when she didn't come i rarely called, or cared for her, and why i didn't stop her from dropping out. now she's gone, and there's no longer anyone who cared to stick around me. now i feel all shitty and sad. why do i always do these regretful things?

2005-11-07 13:10:41 ET

If doing things like that make you feel crappy then stop doing them. Try being happy for people instead of being jealous. If someone I know is stronger, faster, smarter, better looking than me, I'm usually happy for them. If I am not happy, then I just don't care... but I'm never jealous.

Besides ... if someone hinges a big life decision on your opinion, then you must be pretty significant too in some ways.

Don't base your importance on how many friends you got. Base it on their quality. I'd rather just have one really good and loyal friends than a bunch of jerkoids any day. Hell I would just like to be associated with one loyal person... friend or not.

Those people in college... won't be important to you 5-10 years from now... well some may... but the majority ... toe fungus.

2005-11-09 10:01:39 ET

I truly believe feelings are not good or bad, they just are.
If that is what you really feel then dont regret it. Something similar happened to me back at highschool, but there's nothing to do with it! I hardly ever speak to him anymore, MewTa has a point there...
Is amazing how people from such different places and cultures go through the same things, feel somewhat the same...
Youre cool. Dont let them scare you. (listen to: coheed & cambria - a favor house atlantic)

2005-11-16 18:57:42 ET

mew-ta: thanks for your opinions, indeed i have to stop jealousy from taking me over, and focus on the loyal friends, or else i will be destroyed, annihlated, DOOMED for all eternity. toe fungus is funny :D

hardskapunk: just watching cc's video; such peculiar voice! and funky hair! lol
sorry to hear about high school, i hope the person wasn't that close to you, cause this one isn't, and i'm already forgetting..forgetting... lalala i won't let them scare me, or let me scare them :)

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