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  blackbells   
||facts of blakbells||
-lives in Taiwan
-18, gloomy freshman
-female
-plays as a guitarist in a band called the biting cats
-formerly known as "Drowning Dollie", which is a stupid name.

||radio||
Cardigans - Grand Turismo
Rage Against The Machine - Rage Against The Machine
The Smiths - Strangeways, Here We Come
Sonic Youth - Experimental Jet Set
Morphine - Like Swimming
Queen Adreena - The Butcher And The Butterfly

     2006-03-02 08:45:34 ET
life goes on; you can't just sit around and wait for the world to look more welcoming, cause it won't.
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 i'm deformed    2006-03-02 08:23:11 ET
Poe looked in the mirror at her chest scrawled with red lines. :I'm so disgusting.;I flinched. I get home and found out that Jane is staying at her boyfriend・s house again; won't be long before she moves in with him completely. A night alone again; I strip down and look in the mirror at my scars; I laugh at myself, I sigh in the shower. I search desperately around the net for the word :keloid,; looking at the information I had known all along. A curse, a fucking curse that can never be healed, only minimized. Like syphilis. :I'm so disgusting; I thought to myself, I・d be surprised if any soul would take interest in me, and even if anyone did it wouldn・t be long before they ran away by the sight of my back.

Most of the time I forget about my back and I feel satisfied about myself, at least I don・t consider myself horrific. But when I think of it I feel the penetrating darkness swallowing me up. I want to die.

 it's been awhile    2006-01-14 09:36:23 ET
I've been listening to a couple of bands lately, e.g. the smiths, sonic youth, rage against the machine, queen adreena, babes in toyland, pink floyd, the cardigans etc. no particular reason; life's too bored without music.

Did some research about the kinderwhore (babydoll) look after reading some biographies about Kat Bjelland of babes in toyland, its funny to see Courtney Love and Kat fight over who invented the kinderwhore look; writing accusing songs or proclaiming through interviews and answering machines; childish indeed, but come to think of it, it is some what important a title, since lots of musicians in the riot grrl scene more or less used that look. I think both women are like Hercules; brutal, harsh yet tender, incapable on controlling their impulses -- typical rock star qualities. They're like a passionate, enthusiastic giant trying to express herself by gesturing maniacally, but she scrapes her elbows because the stone cubicle that encloses her provides so little space.

Since I'm on this topic, I must say that Katie Jane Garside of queen adreena is one hell of an intelligent person based on the interviews I read. She sounds like that kind of person who knows IT, who perceives the pattern of life and lets it float through her. "I try to spend most the time getting out of the way of myself so life can live through me rather than me live through life." I felt deeply inspired by these words because that was exactly the kind of person that I wanted to be; to feel the threads of life coil around my fingers and knowing that everything would be fine after all; to experience life to the fullest, but to attain that goal I still have a long way to go, cause right now I feel rather incompetent.



The day before yesterday was the day that I pick out my guitar effects (finally), even though I have couple years of experiences with the electric guitar, I'm a total effects idiot, because I don't have the money to buy ANYTHING; I just bought my own 15-watt only a couple months ago, out of my mom's pocket. After my failure attempt to earn money on my own, my mother agreed to support me on guitar effects (partly because she wanted me to concentrate on schoolwork rather than to waste my mind worrying about how to make money).

Smalltea offered to help pick out the effects with me, a friend of his knows how to make them and if you pick out one at the store he can make the exact one for you for like, 3000 NTs cheaper.

Anyways I overestimated the trip and was nearly an hour earlier than what we agreed so he told me to go in first, which is what I dread the most. I hate visiting places like instrument stores; I get the hibbiejibbies just by thinking of them. Lets just say that I had quite a bad experience with the storekeepers -- they all have dollar signs plastered to their pupils.

I was sweating like crazy when I got to the store; panic was pounding at my stomach. The owner asked me what I wanted and I of all answers had to answer that I was going to only "look", not "buy" and immediately I felt the atmosphere descend bellow ice point. The owner started to ask probing questions like where I was learning, who my teacher was and what a great teacher you have to accompany you on "looking" at effects! I replied in a meek smile. I looked around and asked if the pile of effects were to be tried on and the storekeeper coldly answered "those are mine."O"Oh." It was a moment of despair and awkwardness.

I rubbed my thumb till it the lymph was about to emerge -- a nervous habit which hadn't appeared for quite some years. Sweat was pouring down like rain. I went out to smoke and a couple of minutes later smalltea arrived; he told me that I had to act tough in front of the clerk, bluff even. I said than I can no longer step in to that store cause I just acted like a total loser.

The storekeeper recognized smalltea and immediately became hospitable and warm. I basically saw his eyes glint when we tried on some of the very expensive effects. Smalltea asked if we could use the pile of effects that were "his" and he automatically plugged them in for us while saying "of course!!" I bustled in and out behind him feeling like a total loser. I knew nothing of the effects and didn't know what to play when we were testing. When we finished I basically wanted to die.

After I got home I flopped on the bed wondering what the hell was I going to do. I'm not exactly the kind that can bargain over prices at the night market; I lack immensely of "toughness," I can't lie in front of my parents, not even on small lies like adding a five NT dollars on my text book money. I'm what some people call "a wimp" or "pussy" What was I to do when I get out of college and face the real world? It doesn't matter that much when you're in school cause school does not require skills like "bluffing" or "bargaining" or "getting along with people" you attend your classes, turn in your term papers, and you pass; but in the real world everyone wants to get a piece of everyone and if you're not careful you'll be devoured alive and may not even know it. What am I to do? I'm so fresh and naive and ignorant and useless, I hate it. I might as well find someone and marry but to get anyone to marry me is another big problem.
1 comment

 organize yourself..    2005-12-21 06:36:25 ET
i think moving out for college has made a great impact on me. at first when i moved out there was no one to boss me around so i indulged myself in all kinds of entertainment and rarely kept track of time. before that i was merely a child with her bedtime strictly set at 12~1am. after i found out that i was regulary going to bed at 2~3am i started to get up late - i spent it all and wasn't willing to pay - class skipping became a hobby of mine and i couldn't control it. i didn't cared either - what's there for me? so many classmates that i didn't cared to see, so many useless courses i didn't care to take. after that things began to look real bad - piles of homework stacked with a thin layer of dust, teachers informing me that i am at the verge of failing, my bedtime delayed from 2 to 4 and i got up regulary at 2pm. i acted like i didn't care but actually i was scared shitless, i didn't have the guts to turn up at specific classes, fearing the teacher would say "what are you doing here? you've already failed. come again next year", i couldn't do the homework, fearing that i'd discover more and more loads that i missed. an ostriche i was, fucked and doomed. alas i started to face the music these days, i asked the teachers if i was flunked and started to turn up in horrendously early classes. i got up early, i bought breakfast at the cafeteria, i loved it - the feeling of gaining control again in my life. a quick smoke here, a coffee there, and i'm able to slide through the lonely hours in ease. i also set my clock back to 2am, after bedtime at 4am, 2am seems shockingly early and i feel no pity on myself if i get up at 7am. after this fiasco even though my grades look and smell real bad, i feel that my sense of responsibility has raised and i actually started to organize myself, which is a stunning miracle. i just hope that this little discipline will stick.
2 comments

 three days crammed in one    2005-12-12 06:55:03 ET
i overslept and was extremely late for work the day before. i am an english tutor -- was. i got a phone call that night saying that i was fired and that my paycheck will be sent into my account. woopee. it didn't really matter, the kid lived very faraway and it took me alot of time to get to his place, plus the bus fare already cut a half of my minimal wages; it's a relief that i no longer have to go there. what hurt me is that the reason i was fired was not because i was late but because the kid didn't like my teaching methods.... i thought we had a great time.... ::sigh::.....
i asked for light from a boy in class and he told me to quit smoking cause boys don't like girls who smoke. i laughed at this and said it didn't matter since no boy will want me one way or another.
it hit me that i was a total failure -- i couldn't keep my job, i couldn't keep up with my school work, and the fact that i'll probably remain loveless forever.....i was entirely fucked. i chain smoked and cried over jem's song, even though the lyrics had nothing to do with my situation (i'm sorry, so sorry, i'm sorry it's like this).


yesterday we had a gig (80th anniversary of our college and we were lucky enough to perform) and even though our tempo were a bit messed up -- we were pretty nervous, i thought we had enough applause. me and joe verified our friendship yet again and me and joe, treesheep, honey and a couple of other joe's friends went merrily to ximending and reminisced the old times. it was like the doldrums were finally clearing out and the sun was finally shining through; i felt like things were finally going to improve, but then my guitar teacher smalltea seemed pretty pissed at me because the cable and effect he lent me were damp (the stage was stark wet becuase of the rain). because my friends were waiting so i didn't help him dry the stuff up which come to think of it was pretty rude... he always makes me feel rude. i apologiesed to him on the msn, but he wasn't there.


today is a holiday and me and my roommate jane slept till 2pm. later we went to the night market and i stocked up on some winter clothes -- cold wave next week (which means possible of snow on the high mountains of our tropical country -- some people freeze to death under the highways bridges and some people rush to the mountains and run around naked... it's crazy). we also bought some indian incenses and the smell was really intoxicating.
i'm going to have a fresh start. i'm going to concentrate on school and drag my ass to classes to PE and other early, meaningless classes that are inviting to skip.
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