do not disturb the vibe.....    2005-11-18 08:55:06 ET
a conversation that happened during my english conversation midterm exam:

professor: hello, how are you today?
me: ......fine?
p: so.... do you have any tests after this one today?
me: no, but i've got something more important than tests
p: oh? may i ask what that is?
me: MY BAND!!!!!!! (roars)


today is the second time our band practices. we only did some covers; tsunami bomb, deep purple, the riff randels.... and suprisingly kittie's brackish was the most successful one. at first i was totally pissed off when i found out that Joe brought a flock of friends with her in to the room. i still am. i believe that when a band practices it's not just instruments and vocals jamming together, it's about people's vibes mingling and dancing together, and making time together. i understand that she has her own lots of worlds and she probablly wants to show one lot to another, probably out of vain..... or something. but when there's another person around it disturbs the vibe (DO NOT DISTURB THE VIBE!!), and i think it is rather disrespectful of her to laugh and chat with her friends when others are discussing the chords. her soul is not here, it's there with those larc~en~ciel geek friends. hasn't she spent enough time with them already? would it hurt to make a little time with US? ARE WE TOO UNWORTHY OF HER ATTENTION?? in the end my eyebrows were crinkled and twitching. we are not a stable band yet. our new drummer is better than anything we can imagine; both character and skill. we have to bond her with straps of affection and care so she won't slip away. we've already lost a bassist, we can't afford to see another partner go. but fin is busy and we never had a chance to really hang out with each other. except one time when me and joe and her went to joe's house and watched velvet goldmine (god, what a lousy experience). the only time we get to smother fin with friendliness is during our practices, but......

fortunately joe's friends left during the break and we were allowed to continue in peace. i did brackish's back up vocals; it seemed utterly embarassing when i was practicing alone in my house but when everyone was slamming it didn't sound funny at all (or at least i though it wasn't, though everybody kept laughing during the process:P)

i'm pretty pressured at this moment. cause when we were with our former drummer it was fairly satisfying to just do cover songs; it took long hours to perfect one due to lack of skills and we got lots of praises from the audience. now it is all too easy. fin is too good. we stuffed so many songs we did in the past and she just learnt all of them in a month, and she plays it twice as better as our former drummer. it makes you think: what the hell were we doing in high school? anyways, we've got to start writing our own songs, cause it would be more challenging for her. i intend to do so in the first place; we can't do cover songs all our lives. that sucks. but even though i wrote a song or two in the past, it still lacks depth. i need to learn more to compose a better song; in the mean time, all the songs i write right now suck. a pathetic combination of power chords and single notes. lack of depth and skill. i want to write profound songs with lots of different kinds of chords. i'm now practicing fingerstyle and hope i could use some of that in my songs, but i'm afraid of how long that would take. what would we do in the mean time? my plan was to launch our creations right after we find our crew. we're far behind progress. damn.....

 i'm a normal human worm baby    2005-11-16 08:49:49 ET
had been very busy. november is a very busy month.

our band has lots of gigs on december, so we have to practice alot this month, and also next month is our department's formal dance and i'm in charge of the music. unfortnately this month is also midterm month. all the exams are seperated around the month. it's very annoying. i don't understand why we have to still take classes regulary on midterm week. other departments get their day off when it's midterm week. why not us? oh but the most unfortunate is that i just downloaded the complete series of invader zim. i can't keep my eyes off of them. i can put off everything just to watch them; i have no heart to study nor to practice guitar -- which is really really really bad, especially on such a time that requires my full focus on time management and getting things accomplished. also i think my roomate is getting mad from constatnly hearing zim's continuous malicious laughings. i make a bad choice for a roommate.

man i'm going down fast. i don't even want to talk about it. unfinished tasks are begining to look like a can of meat that was stuck in the frige for too long and nobody has the guts to open it anymore.

i am definitely failing pe and military and introduction to college and computer. all very pointless classes. it's very hard to show up, especially when they're all scheduled at 8 in the morning. it's a big temptation to skip. and of course with so much stuff to do their assignments are reasonably the last things i'd work on. the meat has definitely developed into various intelligent lifeforms. ugh.

the candy wine gig wasn't as great as i thought it should be. one thing was that standing next to us was an old hobo who stank of piss. but there wasn't any other place that has a good view. watching cute girls play guitar while sniffing wafts of ammonia... i don't know.... it just seems so WRONG. desecration, almost. also the girls themselves werent so good either. they spent alot of time fixing the guitar tones but when they played the main guitar and bass were too quiet. they lead singer had an annoying voice and accent. she doesn't sound like a Taiwanese; more like from hongkong or something, and her face reminded me of a girl in highschool. i wasn't exactly crazy over her. so there.

one good thing in this month is that i seem to slightly blend in the croud a bit (i think), or at least i'm not so shy anymore. there's this girl who invited me to have lunch with her friends last week and we had a pretty hearty chat. i haven't had those conversations with another human being for years. it made me feel like i was really alive. but now don't have much time for human relationships. one is because i'm very busy (or ought to be) right now and two: i'm feeling the recluse again. it happens every month. oh well.

 constant whining    2005-11-06 16:03:07 ET
couple days ago there's this guy who wanted me to do him some favors, thus he asked me out for dinner. he's in the same club with me, but i've only seen him once, in the pub (in the dark). so when i saw him first in the light i was pretty shocked. "what a big head you have!!" i was like miss little red riding hood, staring at the biggest head i've ever seen. it's width were almost measuring up to his shoulders -- typical manga style. i was busy eating my dinner and when i looked up it was like a friggin statue from easterland was staring down on me. i was scared shitless. also because of his gigantic head it gives the optical illusion that his face is really up close to yours, which made me feel very uncomfortable. even though he seems like a very nice guy, i still wish i won't have to see him very often :P
i'm so hungry, there's nothing to eat around the house, except for white bread, which i've been eating for the past coulple days. even if there were anything else, i don't have the strength to take them from the fridge and heat them up anymore, i wish my stomach would shrink so i don't have to feel hungry all the time...... all my money went down to guitar lessons, i may not be able to pay for DJ lessons this month..... it's all my fault, shouldn't have spent my money for guitar lessons on something else couple months ago..... now i have to pay. god i wish november would pass quickly, i need money real bad. all the midterms are sprawled across this month, plus my band are going to put on some shows on december so we have to practice alot this month. it's all squeezed together.
i wish i could get a job at apa (music studio in taipei), you get to meet lots of musicians when you work over there. they're recently advertising for a secretary but sadly i have classes on every afternoon. fuck.
i'm going to see candy wine this saturday, it's a really tough taiwanese girl band, don't see much of them nowadays -- taiwanese girl bands i mean. plus i got free tickets for the movie NANA -- yay!! (for those who don't know NANA, it's a very famous japanese manga. recently they've made it into a movie. it's about two girls, it's about rock n roll -- picture francesca lia block's violet and claire, and violet a rock star lead singer instead of a script writer -- there you go.)
actually someone dropped out of school couple days ago. she told me not to tell anyone so i wont. but i feel pretty bad about it. she was one of the first that became my friends, but she rarely came. when she told me that she was dropping out (because she feels that she's "not ready yet", or some dumb ass reason like that) and is going to prepare to spend another year taking the college application exam. i didn't like her at that time, so i encouraged her to go for it. she was all fucked up anywayz. but really i think i knew that she didn't have to do this. her english level was way above our department's requirment. since all all the other inferior students could hold on, why couldn't she? ah, but deep down i was WAITING for her resigning. why? because i DETESTED her. because i felt INTIMIDATED by her. i hated to see a girl once as friendless as me and even against the class slowly gain popularity and respect. she reflects my image as a loser. that's why when she didn't come i rarely called, or cared for her, and why i didn't stop her from dropping out. now she's gone, and there's no longer anyone who cared to stick around me. now i feel all shitty and sad. why do i always do these regretful things?

 blood on the dance floor    2005-10-30 07:41:04 ET
Yesterday I a pub called Party Room, they were having a Halloween party, our digital music club's president Spykee is one of the DJs over there. It was my virgin trip to a ¡§dancing¡¨ club, cause I've only been to music lounges before, if music lounges were clubs.....

The trip to there was kind of confusing. I checked the internet for bus routes and figured that I was to take a bus to Ximen elementary school and change buses to my destination, Xing Hua Chung. The party was at 10:30 so I figured that I could leave the house at 9:30 ¡V wrong decision. When I got to Ximen elementary school it was already after ten, and when I checked for the bus sign I found out that the bus I wanted to take had already stopped at ten. So I had to take another bus to the subway station and use the subway to get to that place. But the subway exit is still far from Xing Hua Chung so I had to walk a long way. Mean while my friend Poe called me and told me to take the taxi, cause she's already ahead in line and was about to take the elevator. So I took the taxi and when I got there I saw a very long line, almost circling the mall, and I was pretty glad that I was able to cut in front and didn't have to wait. But when we got to the 12th floor there was another long line, we felt pretty annoyed. Fortunately Poe found a boy she met in school pretty upfront and we were able to cut across the line again. Funny thing is that she hasn't even spoke to the boy before, it takes a lot of courage to ask a semi-stranger for that kind of offer. After the expenses on taxi money and club entrance, I was flat broke.

Anyways we got in the party room and it was as if I've just arrived in hell. Cause the lighting and furnishing was all in devilish red and the waiters and some of the customers were dressed in all kinds of demonic costumes. It's Halloween, of course. The music was pulsing so loud it pierced through my body and made the floors vibrate. I moved towards the bar and ordered a melon flavored cocktail from the cat girl with a cleavage. It tasted far too sweet, like it was trying too hard to cover up the bitterness of alcohol. Our club sat in a booth and for a while we just sipped our drinks and moved within the rhythm. Then Poe and I went down to dance, I felt kind of uneasy at first, but soon I was skanking and stomping down the dance floor, ecstatic joy. After that it was rituals of beer drinking and dancing. It's interesting cause when you drink alcohol and stay put, you feel the blood rising to your cheeks and you get all the symptoms of a typical drunkster, but if you drink beer and dance, the beer doesn't do much to you, cause usually I¡¦m a person who gets drunk within a bottle of smirn of ice (5%), but that night I drank cocktail and lots of beers but still stayed sober, I was amazed myself. Poe got so drunk she started dancing around the booth and eventually collapsed on the sofa. We wanted to stay till it was Spykee's turn at the table but it wasn't till 2:40 did he started and by then we were all sleepy and drunk and tired. So at three me and some club mates that were all heading for Xing Drong left. We took a friend¡¦s car and listened to cantonese pop songs and the rantings about the corruptive law system in Taiwan from a boy in the law department. The driver insisted to send me straight to my apartment, even though it's in a dark alley hard for cars to enter. I went home and managed to avoid bumping into anything, took a shower, massaged my sour feet and went to bed. I thought I'd feel uneasy since I've never been out so late and with so many people I don't know well, so I expected to feel lonely and out of place. But it turned out that when you're dancing and having a good time you rarely notice the time, and people were very friendly so I felt right at home. So instead of a ¡§what am I doing here?¡¨ feeling, it left a warm sensation in me, and I slept with a smile on my face.

 friends    2005-10-20 04:50:18 ET
the difficulty of making friends in college is that, nobody wants to stick around to get to know you. in high scool we have regular seats so people will HAVE to stick around even if they didn't want to. so you have to be either very loud, very good looking, very funny..... very outstanding to catch people's attention.....or is it? i don't know, i don't know these people, how do their minds work? i have no idea.
how do i become popular? i'm not asking for much, just let me have some friends to stick around with.....

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