gloom    2005-09-27 06:49:38 ET
i've found a friend that's willing to stick around with me, not because she likes me or anything, but because her eyes ignited when I told her I went to a club last week. It turns out that she's some kind of a party girl who's pretty desperate because none of our classmates seems to be people who ¡§go out¡¨, as she puts it. I'm way far from a party girl, I go to clubs to listen to music, not to drink, and I despise her choice of living. She does not stop in blabbing about the ¡§good times¡¨ she had with her friends. I understand what she's trying to say, every little joke seems to be very funny when you're with really close friends, but when you tell it to someone who wasn't there, it usually doesn't turn out very good, because what makes the joke funny is the atmosphere, not the joke itself. And what's really annoying is that she actually tries to educate me, telling me her concepts of life. She thinks her perspectives are very unique, but sadly it's just a bunch of stale ideas people use to fascinate others, just like glam rock or nu metal or any other short-living music style that tries to attract audience's attention by playing music different from others, and hers isn't even new anymore, its like showing off a Linkinpark or Blink182 CD saying: I'm listening to this, you might not like it, cause it's SO intense.

Still, it's still pretty nice to have someone to eat lunch with for a change. I no longer have to go back to my apartment to eat lunch anymore. And school days seem more bearable when you have a person to stick around with, even if you don¡¦t really hit off.

It's pretty ironic when I look at my college life; at elementary school, knowing no social skills, I was at the very bottom of our little society. I was the ¡§temporary shelter¡¨ for new kids, new kids stick with me because being friendless and bored I often treat them very nicely, but after they find out my ¡§rank¡¨, as soon as any other group seem open to them, they ¡§transfer¡¨. I don't blame them, cause staying with me will get them nowhere, and they know they can do better. But when I came to high school everything changed, I learnt lots of social skills and had a lot of friends, friends I really liked. I thought my life would be like that forever, but look where I am now, back in elementary school, start from scratch. This situation drives me into an urge of buying very aggressive clothes, it's not like I wasn't in to them before, but now I need them more, because to me clothes are like armor. When you dress harmless and speak harmless but end up friendless, you really feel like a loser, but when you dress edgy and aggressive, you feel protected and safe, you feel related to those dark characters in those YA films, with Marylin Manson background music.
All in all I¡¦m a pathetic loser and a stuck up bitch, I suppose I could rely on our school clubs, or simply wait till time marrows me up, but I won't count on it.

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