it's been awhile
2006-01-14 09:36:23 ET

I've been listening to a couple of bands lately, e.g. the smiths, sonic youth, rage against the machine, queen adreena, babes in toyland, pink floyd, the cardigans etc. no particular reason; life's too bored without music.

Did some research about the kinderwhore (babydoll) look after reading some biographies about Kat Bjelland of babes in toyland, its funny to see Courtney Love and Kat fight over who invented the kinderwhore look; writing accusing songs or proclaiming through interviews and answering machines; childish indeed, but come to think of it, it is some what important a title, since lots of musicians in the riot grrl scene more or less used that look. I think both women are like Hercules; brutal, harsh yet tender, incapable on controlling their impulses -- typical rock star qualities. They're like a passionate, enthusiastic giant trying to express herself by gesturing maniacally, but she scrapes her elbows because the stone cubicle that encloses her provides so little space.

Since I'm on this topic, I must say that Katie Jane Garside of queen adreena is one hell of an intelligent person based on the interviews I read. She sounds like that kind of person who knows IT, who perceives the pattern of life and lets it float through her. "I try to spend most the time getting out of the way of myself so life can live through me rather than me live through life." I felt deeply inspired by these words because that was exactly the kind of person that I wanted to be; to feel the threads of life coil around my fingers and knowing that everything would be fine after all; to experience life to the fullest, but to attain that goal I still have a long way to go, cause right now I feel rather incompetent.

The day before yesterday was the day that I pick out my guitar effects (finally), even though I have couple years of experiences with the electric guitar, I'm a total effects idiot, because I don't have the money to buy ANYTHING; I just bought my own 15-watt only a couple months ago, out of my mom's pocket. After my failure attempt to earn money on my own, my mother agreed to support me on guitar effects (partly because she wanted me to concentrate on schoolwork rather than to waste my mind worrying about how to make money).

Smalltea offered to help pick out the effects with me, a friend of his knows how to make them and if you pick out one at the store he can make the exact one for you for like, 3000 NTs cheaper.

Anyways I overestimated the trip and was nearly an hour earlier than what we agreed so he told me to go in first, which is what I dread the most. I hate visiting places like instrument stores; I get the hibbiejibbies just by thinking of them. Lets just say that I had quite a bad experience with the storekeepers -- they all have dollar signs plastered to their pupils.

I was sweating like crazy when I got to the store; panic was pounding at my stomach. The owner asked me what I wanted and I of all answers had to answer that I was going to only "look", not "buy" and immediately I felt the atmosphere descend bellow ice point. The owner started to ask probing questions like where I was learning, who my teacher was and what a great teacher you have to accompany you on "looking" at effects! I replied in a meek smile. I looked around and asked if the pile of effects were to be tried on and the storekeeper coldly answered "those are mine."O"Oh." It was a moment of despair and awkwardness.

I rubbed my thumb till it the lymph was about to emerge -- a nervous habit which hadn't appeared for quite some years. Sweat was pouring down like rain. I went out to smoke and a couple of minutes later smalltea arrived; he told me that I had to act tough in front of the clerk, bluff even. I said than I can no longer step in to that store cause I just acted like a total loser.

The storekeeper recognized smalltea and immediately became hospitable and warm. I basically saw his eyes glint when we tried on some of the very expensive effects. Smalltea asked if we could use the pile of effects that were "his" and he automatically plugged them in for us while saying "of course!!" I bustled in and out behind him feeling like a total loser. I knew nothing of the effects and didn't know what to play when we were testing. When we finished I basically wanted to die.

After I got home I flopped on the bed wondering what the hell was I going to do. I'm not exactly the kind that can bargain over prices at the night market; I lack immensely of "toughness," I can't lie in front of my parents, not even on small lies like adding a five NT dollars on my text book money. I'm what some people call "a wimp" or "pussy" What was I to do when I get out of college and face the real world? It doesn't matter that much when you're in school cause school does not require skills like "bluffing" or "bargaining" or "getting along with people" you attend your classes, turn in your term papers, and you pass; but in the real world everyone wants to get a piece of everyone and if you're not careful you'll be devoured alive and may not even know it. What am I to do? I'm so fresh and naive and ignorant and useless, I hate it. I might as well find someone and marry but to get anyone to marry me is another big problem.

2006-01-16 09:51:00 ET

Music is the soundstrack of your life.

Bells, there are three things in life that will never be the answer to your problems. Those things are, the bible, toothpaste, and marriage.

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