whoa is mea    2012-03-30 00:09:51 ET
Forward: I'm starting to realize that I only bother with this site when my life is in the shitter and I need an outlet for venting. So, sorry for coming off like a whiny bitch, but I do it here so my real friends won't think I'm a whiny bitch.

Chapter 1: Fucking fuck.

So, a friend of mine came to me and told me that a position had opened up at her job and I should look into it. I did and decided that I would love it. Maybe not the perfect dream job that I wanna keep forever, but something I could certainly see myself really enjoying and sticking with for several years. I went to two interviews and had great responses in both, seems like the hiring manager loved me, not just liked, but loved me. As in, wanted to hire me on the spot, but needed to get me a meeting with the general manager before any real decisions could be made. I would have gotten the call to schedule that meeting today at the absolute latest. Needless to say, I didn't get the call.

I simply have to wonder what went wrong. From loving me so so much to totally blowing me off? Could a bad reference do that? Could one of my previous employers be so cruel as to actually warn against hiring me? That is the only way I could see that big of a switch happening.

I've been looking for a "real" job for almost a year now and I'm getting really discouraged.

A persons merit doesn't matter anymore. It's how good they look on paper. I'm professional, haven't taken a sick day or called in late to anything at all in at least two years, super friendly and overall generally enjoyable to be around, but my experience is primarily in food service. Which must mean that it's the only thing I'm capable of doing and learning new things will be impossible for me.

Seriously, when some of your best friends don't trust you to work for them, there isn't a lot of hope that random strangers will want to bring you aboard.

Which is also pretty fucked, because my friends say they wouldn't hire me because of things we do together. So, it's cool for you to stay out late, show up to work late, call out because you're hungover, and be a general fuck up, but when I do a fraction of that shit it makes me unreliable? Yep. Better yet, those people get promotions for being total fuckups while I maintain a steady unemployed status.

I usually try to take failures as a learning experience and change myself to make sure I don't make the same mistakes twice. I have always blamed myself when something in my life goes wrong, but I think it's time to realize, it really is everyone else.

Crazy as it sounds, I must not be human. If I were I would understand what in the fuck was going on. Instead I feel chemically and emotionally separated from everything and everyone I come in contact with.

So, there it is. I will never earn a decent wage or make music or create fantastic works of art because, down the the cellular level, I am incapable of being competent.

Maybe one day science fiction will invent some sort of translator that allows my kind to understand humans and vise versa. The eternal optimist in me lives on.

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