something i said to somebody once
2004-12-23 08:09:54 ET

you can be fixed... i was and i remember your feelings that you display, i too was once lost in a world of dismay, not wanting to be found, unwilling to be found, thought i couldnt be found. i was lost and that was it,
but that wasnt it, that was just the begin of the end of hell.
you can be fixed.

i believe this to the fullest

2004-12-23 12:34:24 ET

When a teacher complained about me once, my mother told her "normal is a setting on the washing machine".

My mother did not tell me about this until I had finished university.

My mom is so amazing she supported me the whole time but because I was so strong-willed she couldn't always let me know and I learned to fight my own battles. By the way I think it was grade 2 or 3 when that conversation with the teacher happened.

2004-12-23 14:06:36 ET

lol, good story and a good point, but what i was talking about is depression and how some poeple, myself included, have been through a lot of shit that happened to them and they feel that they could never be happy, that something is wrong with them and theres no was to be ok. and what i was saying was theres always a way out of hell, you just have to be willing and believe you can find it.... do i ever say things flat out... i feel like when ever i explain this kind of deep stuff i always talk in riddles... ::sigh:: what can you do when yer a poet?

2004-12-23 18:09:52 ET

I agree to a point, depression is pain and if dealt with correctly there is almost always a way to decrease the pain if not get rid of it completely.

This is not always the case though as there are people who just can not get to the stage where they can openly admit the fact that they are hurting to others. They put a great show on but on the inside they feel like they are rotting and they never bring themselves to the point where it gets properly address. I am a firm believer in talking it out but thats me there are people who need to get medicated to deal with their shit because there are people out there who have much more serious shit that they have to deal with.

I also worry if I will ever be truly happy I mean I figure I should be. As my brother puts it I have a car a house some toys and I drink imported beer. I figure to an extent it is because we always want more that ois the nature of the individual. The fact that certain things exist outside of our grasp does not make us want them any less. The fac that we yearn for these things are good because these are goals. I believe that more truth is found in chasing the goal and achieving it is often anti-climaic.

2004-12-24 08:08:35 ET

true very true
i am living proof that if you face yer problems you can get through it and be happy, my problem was that i was sexually molested by a guy i called my brother-i live in a foster home where my mother said i would be better off- this guy named Eric, i have lived in this house since i was 3 and when i was 11 i was being molested by someone i thought of and called my brother, naturally something like that seriously affects a childs view on life, love trust and family. i developed multiple personality disorder to hide these things from myslef-and it werked. i didnt even know about it until a year ago, when i lashed out at him screaming that me being so fucked up and in a mental hospital was his fault too. he said "what?" and i said "when i was 11" he said "oh" then he gave me his pack of cigarettes and we talked and he apologized and i cried it all out, and then i came home and they took me back to the hospital... eh, after that i got better about everything, i started getting nicer to people, because i didnt have so much hate and anger built up and i wasnt attcking myself for all the things that happen in life, i finally realized that life can be hell, but you have to face it, cutting, drugs, fighting, sex sure their temperary problem solvers but when it comes down to it-crying is the best way to go-all the other ways just make the problem bigger, when you cutt all its doing is hurting you, and destracting you. for me it was like "this is what you get fer thinking about it" i used it to teach myself not to think about it and then i used it fer everyday anxiety and eventually i broke down and said i cant take this anymore. i was a very dramatic person a year ago, i flipped out on people fer no reason. something as simple as them taking my pencil, or if they made a joke about someone getting molested. noone knew what to expect from me. i got into fights when people touched me. i remember one time on the bus, i told the guy that sat next to me "dont touch me, you touch me and ill hurt you" he touched me and i smacked him across the face... his face turned red where i hit him, tears came into his eyes, and everyone on the bus turned around to see me looking out the window and him looking down at his hands, bout ready to cry... now i feel bad fer everything ive done in the past, but i dont hate myself fer the things that happend to me, because i know the difference and ive excepted it.
bc of all the hate and anger i built toward myself i would get made at myself fer anything and everything. omg hes made at me-cut cut, omg i failed a tast-cut cut, omg she doesnt like me-cut cut, omg im grounded-cut cut, it was pathetic. anything and everything would set me off.
i did everything possible to stay away from reality. it wasnt that hard though, i had Crystal, Joey, and the little one-Lilley to fill in fer me when ever something came up. those were/are my other personalities, Crystal to fend off troubles like he doesnt like me or she hates me, Joey to capture all the sexual abuse moment and keep them in a bottle far from megan, Lilley was my innocence. now i have all of them as one, instead of split into 4 different people like they were.
anyways, i guess another tramatic experience has to trigger it but i did a complete 180 from the way i was to the way i am.
all i have to say now -and this is fer everyone- if you have a problem please please face it, dont let it build up and fester because that only makes it werse. dealing with the pain is the only way to get rid of it. feeling the pain is the only way to get rid of it. please dont avoid pain. avoidance is the werst. facing it is hard i know but feels so much better than avoidance bc avoidance goes on ferever but dealing has a begininng and an end. if you want the pain end you have to give it a beginning so you can reach the end. :)
much love and understanding
if anyone has anything they need to talk about please remember im here and ive been through most of the things that occur everyday to someone in the world so i understand i do not jugde. i merely understand and listen if anyone needs to talk... im here for you all of you. =) please feel free to talk to me about anything.
*hugz* and love

2004-12-24 19:21:19 ET

Absolutely issues have to be addressed.

Sorry to hear about what happened to you growing up. It is great that you have your voice and that you survived.

2004-12-25 03:03:47 ET

yes it is thank you :)

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