2004-12-24 08:08:35 ET
true very true
i am living proof that if you face yer problems you can get through it and be happy, my problem was that i was sexually molested by a guy i called my brother-i live in a foster home where my mother said i would be better off- this guy named Eric, i have lived in this house since i was 3 and when i was 11 i was being molested by someone i thought of and called my brother, naturally something like that seriously affects a childs view on life, love trust and family. i developed multiple personality disorder to hide these things from myslef-and it werked. i didnt even know about it until a year ago, when i lashed out at him screaming that me being so fucked up and in a mental hospital was his fault too. he said "what?" and i said "when i was 11" he said "oh" then he gave me his pack of cigarettes and we talked and he apologized and i cried it all out, and then i came home and they took me back to the hospital... eh, after that i got better about everything, i started getting nicer to people, because i didnt have so much hate and anger built up and i wasnt attcking myself for all the things that happen in life, i finally realized that life can be hell, but you have to face it, cutting, drugs, fighting, sex sure their temperary problem solvers but when it comes down to it-crying is the best way to go-all the other ways just make the problem bigger, when you cutt all its doing is hurting you, and destracting you. for me it was like "this is what you get fer thinking about it" i used it to teach myself not to think about it and then i used it fer everyday anxiety and eventually i broke down and said i cant take this anymore. i was a very dramatic person a year ago, i flipped out on people fer no reason. something as simple as them taking my pencil, or if they made a joke about someone getting molested. noone knew what to expect from me. i got into fights when people touched me. i remember one time on the bus, i told the guy that sat next to me "dont touch me, you touch me and ill hurt you" he touched me and i smacked him across the face... his face turned red where i hit him, tears came into his eyes, and everyone on the bus turned around to see me looking out the window and him looking down at his hands, bout ready to cry... now i feel bad fer everything ive done in the past, but i dont hate myself fer the things that happend to me, because i know the difference and ive excepted it.
bc of all the hate and anger i built toward myself i would get made at myself fer anything and everything. omg hes made at me-cut cut, omg i failed a tast-cut cut, omg she doesnt like me-cut cut, omg im grounded-cut cut, it was pathetic. anything and everything would set me off.
i did everything possible to stay away from reality. it wasnt that hard though, i had Crystal, Joey, and the little one-Lilley to fill in fer me when ever something came up. those were/are my other personalities, Crystal to fend off troubles like he doesnt like me or she hates me, Joey to capture all the sexual abuse moment and keep them in a bottle far from megan, Lilley was my innocence. now i have all of them as one, instead of split into 4 different people like they were.
anyways, i guess another tramatic experience has to trigger it but i did a complete 180 from the way i was to the way i am.
all i have to say now -and this is fer everyone- if you have a problem please please face it, dont let it build up and fester because that only makes it werse. dealing with the pain is the only way to get rid of it. feeling the pain is the only way to get rid of it. please dont avoid pain. avoidance is the werst. facing it is hard i know but feels so much better than avoidance bc avoidance goes on ferever but dealing has a begininng and an end. if you want the pain end you have to give it a beginning so you can reach the end. :)
much love and understanding
if anyone has anything they need to talk about please remember im here and ive been through most of the things that occur everyday to someone in the world so i understand i do not jugde. i merely understand and listen if anyone needs to talk... im here for you all of you. =) please feel free to talk to me about anything.
*hugz* and love