i miss chris
2005-11-17 15:52:40 ET


it has been two years and about eight months since i've last written an entry here.

so much has elapsed.

moved out of nyc temporarily, lived in DC metro area, did a year of architecture school in baltimore, worked my ass off and killed it, got my heart broken (or what i thought was heartbreak at the time) spent some time in london and berlin, got up to NYC doing my thing legit on a full ride, spent years looking forward to being back home with my best friend, thinking everything would be the same... but it wasn't...

as you probably all already know, my best friend Chris / Doktor242 died in his sleep November 4th. It's been more than two weeks since the last time I saw him but I have not forgotten a single detail of him as I feared I would. I can even hear his voice in my dreams, perfectly. I loved this man more than I have ever loved any other human being. As close as we were (as close as two human beings could get), I am still surprised at stories that I hear about him... I've gotten to hear plenty in the past few weeks and they still all seem so precious to me. Chris still to this day surprises me.

Chris and I met at work at a bank. We were both doing new accounts and customer service in nyc, blocks from one another. meeting him in real life added a special bond... we didnt have to hunt each other online... (even though as it happens i'd been estalking his screen name for about 6 months before i happened to meet him)... oddly enough we hardly ever frequented clubs together... we preferred 'real time' interaction... we called how we met the 'creation myth' because there were so many weird circumstances surrounding it that it had to be fiction. sometimes i think the story of us and the elevated position we each held in each other's lives (most important human... EVER) obfuscated the reality of our humanity, and caused us to have unattainable expectations. we even shared many of the same flaws (not to mention clothes, obscure music, conversational styles and speech patterns... etc). we always marveled at how it never 'went away' even when i spent time on the other side of the country or the world. we were still one...

and yet we must not have been, or i would have seen this coming, perhaps? i'll never know.

and it's just ironic that my last entry here goes on a tirade about 'soul mates'... it seemed like right then i was fighting it so hard... it seems to read 'i'm young and i have the world at my feet.. why the f$#k should i give it to someone else?'

i read my previous entries here and am stricken with how haphazard (read:happy) i was. how childish.

i distribute online expression differently these days.


That's the real stuff but it's no party over there right now, i'm warning you.


thats for idiot networking


that's my work... not recently updated...

most stuff on here will probably be a light hearted attempt at joining the land of the living...

on that note:

Recently came up with the best expression EVER:

post-mortem cockblocking

for example

X: Lorraine, do you want to go out with me before club saturday

ME: [heavy sigh]... It's just.. I dont know.. Since.. you know.. I just don't feel like going anywhere.

X: Dammit.. you know sometimes I feel like Chris is cockblocking me from the grave!!!

Well.. it's good to know my best friend is still doing his job...

Beleive me, to the victims of post mortem cockblocking... it's a very real phenomena!!! >:]

so.. who's out there?

2005-11-17 16:11:01 ET

It is so good to see you back on SK.

edit (I thought I had a meeting but it was cancled)

I’m sorry about Chris, I kick myself that I didn’t get to know him better. But it is too late now. He gets to find out what comes next, and we get to remember him.

It is good to see you back on SK. I’ve had little time for it these days with school. That should change in two weeks when I start a new project. I’ll document it as I go, so expect daily post from me then.

2005-11-17 16:38:42 ET

Holy poo long time no see. Glad to see you back on here

2005-11-17 16:51:54 ET

i'm here, awaiting orders to take out the village idiots in every midwest town.

2005-11-17 17:16:54 ET

I saw you at the top of my list and I was like "What... the fuck?" I had to express my surprise so desperately that I haven't read your entry just yet, but I'll get to that right now.

Jesus. Yes, do be light-hearted and join the living. We won't mind. I'm out here, too.

Very surprising and good to see you back here, but it's too bad it had to be on such a sad note. I kinda feel like I should shut up now.

2005-11-17 17:23:02 ET

hi. let us hang out soon perhaps?

2005-11-17 17:34:18 ET

Hey stranger, good to see you back on SK.
Chris's passing shocked us all I think, even those who didn't know him terribly well (like me). Even though I rarely commented on his page I always read his updates... wasn't even a week before he died that I downloaded his "This is what 3am sounds like" mix... Just goes to show you that life's short, too short for comfort sometimes.

Do you by any chance still keep in contact with Justine?

2005-11-18 01:08:55 ET

I'd like to express my condolances for the departed Doctor... I know you guys were such good friends for so long... I know I wasn't around all that much, but I know he was a good man and I found this to be deeply saddening. My thoughts are with you and all of his loved ones...

p.s. hi. haven't seen you in forever

2005-11-18 05:14:35 ET

Wow... nice to see you back on here. Sorry such sad circumstances are surrounding you though.

Hopefully the light-heartedness can start to come easier in time.

2005-11-18 13:06:29 ET

glad to see you kiddo

2005-11-18 13:13:36 ET

Wow, never thought I'd see this icon back on my buddylist.

It's good to have you back here.

When I wrote a letter to his mother, I looked back here on SK to old posts of mine, old posts of Chris, but I was missing your old posts.

Do you remember all the "I hax0red XXX - signed YYY" posts ?
Or "Which NY/NJ/SoCal/Israel/etc. SK.net member I am" quiz ?
Good memories :]

2005-11-18 18:03:44 ET

hey you're back!
and you didn't add me on myspace. i see how it is. >:[

in all seriousness though, i'm very sorry to hear of your loss. my condolences.

2005-11-18 18:50:27 ET

i think we hung out a few times. i hope you stay here.

2005-12-20 11:51:43 ET

I'm sorry to hear about Doktor.

Welcome back.


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