2002-07-28 15:04:36 ET|
hmn interesting weekend i had...
i like to run away to the boondocks in philly when city life stresses me out.. so i went to my friend jeff's house and took his nephew out on his dirtbike... he's like 10... i kind of lied to my roommate/best friend about where i was and i got in trouble.. i swear i dont know why i feel the necessity to lie about dumb things... it was more like she made a certain assumption about where i was that i never bothered to correct, which technically is a lie... last night i was at QXT's in Newark , NJ... i dont know why i keep going back there, its shitty and drama filled but i suppose i feel at home.. plus new jersey (i swear) has the coolest industrial wasteland aesthetic kicking... the pulaski skyway stretches out over miles of abandoned factories, broken glass, broken down cars... all the broken and dead dreams of shiny New York come to rest somewhere in industrial Jersey.. and i find it beautiful.. Just like how coney island, once playground to the world, now washed up ghetto, is beautiful... i said once coney island was beautiful like a dead prom queen... something that was once loved, now discarded shines with its own special light...
so after qxts i hung out with my friends Joe and Jackie... and actually smoked a lot of... well lets just say non-cigarettes... which is completely uncharacteristic of me.. i used to be the "aloof intellectual" when it came to substances... but then i caught on that when an "aloof intellectual" is hurt, sometimes they go into a spiralling "glorious decline" of self destruct... end yourself like a rock star... there is a fine line between recreation and self destruction, usually i side with the latter but last night was an exception. this is also good because i've been stressing non stop about job social life money etc... i do alot of worrying and blow problems out of proportion, overanyalyze (i'm doing that right now).. basically beat a dead horse to death... i have a friend in FL (he's a rich kid so normally i wouldnt be able to relate) but he started smoking pot and his hyper mannerisms cooled down, he got less depressed.. and quite frankly i woke up in a damn good mood this morning.. damned good. and although smoking the green isn't something i'd seek out for myself (and jackie is a chick pothead, which is rare) i think that i need to quit using *everything* to self destruct, i think this is a habit left over from when i was more depressed... i cant just drink , i have to drink myself into the ground... "nothing succeeds like excess".. i've done this with multiple substances, even people... i'll hang out with someone for a week solid and then not at all for months... everything happens to me in black and white and suddenly, my life can't change gradually it leaps forward in quantum shifts... and i can sense them coming.. i sensed the shift that led to me losing my job & moving back to brooklyn and i know another shift coming but im not sure where its going to take me... i think i'll just do better if i stop struggling and accept that this is the way things work for me... and deal with it...
ok i'm going to post something i wrote about new jersey after this