2002-07-28 15:04:36 ET

hmn interesting weekend i had...

i like to run away to the boondocks in philly when city life stresses me out.. so i went to my friend jeff's house and took his nephew out on his dirtbike... he's like 10... i kind of lied to my roommate/best friend about where i was and i got in trouble.. i swear i dont know why i feel the necessity to lie about dumb things... it was more like she made a certain assumption about where i was that i never bothered to correct, which technically is a lie... last night i was at QXT's in Newark , NJ... i dont know why i keep going back there, its shitty and drama filled but i suppose i feel at home.. plus new jersey (i swear) has the coolest industrial wasteland aesthetic kicking... the pulaski skyway stretches out over miles of abandoned factories, broken glass, broken down cars... all the broken and dead dreams of shiny New York come to rest somewhere in industrial Jersey.. and i find it beautiful.. Just like how coney island, once playground to the world, now washed up ghetto, is beautiful... i said once coney island was beautiful like a dead prom queen... something that was once loved, now discarded shines with its own special light...

so after qxts i hung out with my friends Joe and Jackie... and actually smoked a lot of... well lets just say non-cigarettes... which is completely uncharacteristic of me.. i used to be the "aloof intellectual" when it came to substances... but then i caught on that when an "aloof intellectual" is hurt, sometimes they go into a spiralling "glorious decline" of self destruct... end yourself like a rock star... there is a fine line between recreation and self destruction, usually i side with the latter but last night was an exception. this is also good because i've been stressing non stop about job social life money etc... i do alot of worrying and blow problems out of proportion, overanyalyze (i'm doing that right now).. basically beat a dead horse to death... i have a friend in FL (he's a rich kid so normally i wouldnt be able to relate) but he started smoking pot and his hyper mannerisms cooled down, he got less depressed.. and quite frankly i woke up in a damn good mood this morning.. damned good. and although smoking the green isn't something i'd seek out for myself (and jackie is a chick pothead, which is rare) i think that i need to quit using *everything* to self destruct, i think this is a habit left over from when i was more depressed... i cant just drink , i have to drink myself into the ground... "nothing succeeds like excess".. i've done this with multiple substances, even people... i'll hang out with someone for a week solid and then not at all for months... everything happens to me in black and white and suddenly, my life can't change gradually it leaps forward in quantum shifts... and i can sense them coming.. i sensed the shift that led to me losing my job & moving back to brooklyn and i know another shift coming but im not sure where its going to take me... i think i'll just do better if i stop struggling and accept that this is the way things work for me... and deal with it...
ok i'm going to post something i wrote about new jersey after this

2002-07-28 15:21:05 ET

Your post really hit home with me, I think I can understand where you're coming from. anything and everything can be a drug, done to excess to numb, distract, or destruct.
"i used to be the "aloof intellectual" when it came to substances... but then i caught on that when an "aloof intellectual" is hurt, sometimes they go into a spiralling "glorious decline" of self destruct... end yourself like a rock star... there is a fine line between recreation and self destruction"
Very well put...
I've had to deal with a lot of painful realities recently, and I hate to think that Im dealing with it in the same way as I used to when I used to be depressed. It makes me wonder if I've really grown as much as I think I have in the past few years. A good friend told me something though. He said it's alright to do something that is cathartic, even if it is deconstructive, as long as it isnt counterproductive.
-The Joker

2002-07-28 15:28:01 ET

nice, nice... thats why words are there (deconstructive versus counterproductive) to help us differentiate between two things that look, on the surface, the same... like how a fever is not a symptom of a disease so much as it is a mechanism to help you get well again...

2002-07-28 15:45:45 ET

Unfortunately, like a fever, if whatever it is you are using to exorcise a sickness goes too far, it can end up damaging you beyond it's own redemptive value. Umm if that makes any sense.
Why do you think the "aloof intellectual" tends to deal with things in these ways as opposed to most other people?
-The Joker

2002-07-28 15:53:45 ET

because most other people, automatically come to the unconscious conclusion that nothings worth bothering with, and do things like watch tv and drink etc. the aforementioned aloof intellectual attempts to differentiate themselves from that.. but ends up for some reason coming to the *conscious* conclusion that nothing's worth bothering with.. and begins the first conscious step on the road to self destruction. I cant describe, although i know, the dark satisfaction that comes with knowing, each day, you are a little bit farther from hope, more unredeemable. There is a line from Gibson's Neuromancer about this.. the main character is a drug dealer/dealer of illegal software.. and keeps taking chances, each one bigger than the last, keeps skating the line closer and closer with the satisfaction that one day he will hit it and that will be that.

2002-07-28 16:16:34 ET

So if both parties come to the same conclusion though one knowingly and the other instinctually, is it the honest understanding of the intellectual that they are heading for destruction that sets them apart? Or does the mutual end product override the process in which they got there?
I mean I figure it takes more guts to know that you are heading toward self destruction, and care about the fact that you are, than to blindly fall into excess without a care in the world. But at the same time, does knowing this mean that a person should know better than to do it in the first place?
-The Joker

2002-07-28 16:28:37 ET

Not necessarily, because its in the value system. Usually there's some part, somewhere, that is dimly disappointed, or knows that things could be different. But sees no hope or way to change the current situation for the better, so ends up killing time...

now self destruction often results in subjective frames of mind, where you have a problem but can't admit/see it etc. but no matter how sucked into an subjective pattern you are, somewhere down the line there was a conscious decision, a turning away from hope, an intentional walking through a door... this could be anything from a first offense (heroin, coke, etc) to a shift in belief structure that makes the self destructive cycle possible (if she doesnt want me back i must be worthless etc.) Usually the general public will meander along the path of the destructive, but the fallen intellectual knows that the shortest distance between any 2 places is a straight line.

2002-07-28 16:38:01 ET

So I suppose it takes more for a person to walk away from something they believe in, change their belief structure than to stumble along. I think thats what I've always found so intense about people struggling with their faith (including myself). Ive run into plenty of people that think they have a shocking lack of faith in anything. Whereas I've always felt that it is much harder to walk away from something you truly believe in, than something you've never cared about.
-The Joker

2002-07-28 16:53:36 ET

absolutely, its the difference between being on the ground the whole time and having fallen to get there... even if you choose the 'low road' at least you *know what the high road looks like, at least you know what you are missing. people who have seen both top and bottom and choose bottom intrigue me.

two films come to mind that challenge the value of memory and identity, memento more directly, and the matrix more subtley. in Memento a man consciously chooses to forget his past in order to be happy (this is possible being that he's an amnesiac) and if you remember in the Matrix the Judas-like character that betrays them is sitting at a table, eating a virtual steak, and saying that if it tastes real then the value of the virtual steak is no less than the value of the real steak. You can equate the virtual "matrix" to any vice that makes you happy.. and then its up to your definition of 'happy' to decide

2002-07-28 20:34:35 ET

i know what you mean about doing things in terms of black and white...i tend to do that a lot also...i really shouldn't... and as you know i can now out drink almost anyone...why? because of all the times i was depressed, angry, aggrivated...and a whole slew of other affectual adjectives...

my saturday night sucked! :-\


2002-07-29 17:53:07 ET

i'm sorry furax, i heard your message

my phone is cut off/so thats why i've dropped the face of the earth

but i got a job so thats good

2002-07-29 18:12:40 ET

oh good...heh...umm...i'll try and get in touch with you soon...
hooray for the job...you'll have to tell me all about it :-)

  Return to death by design's page