2002-09-04 13:05:05 ET|
YES!!!!! surely this must be a good omen!!
Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.
i bought a new sketchbook yesterday. i am afraid of it and happy for it at the same time. in this cute little test that i just took, (see above) the last question was : what is your greatest fear?
i thought for sure it would be Stupid Idiots Procreating (see rant:Evolution Doesn't Work Anymore circa May2002). but then the last option hit me very hard (See Also - Am I Really Schizophrenic?: People Who Take Online Tests Too Seriously, July 2002). the last option.. my biggest fear.
Losing My Creativity.
I kid about it but i really am afraid of the sketchbook. and losing what was once one of my main defining characteristics. I read a book called Drawing Blood, by Poppy z. Brite, about a father who used to be a comic book artist... who lost the gift to draw... it could have been the alcohol but whatever it was he woke up and it just wasn't there. and this sense of inner failure drove him to take the lives of his wife and kid...
i don't really know how to describe it but i feel like i have lost so much since leaving Florida two years ago. I used to be so much more awake, alive, intelligent, opinionated. I would write furiously for hours about philosophy, physics.. there were dots everywhere i could spend eternity connecting. but now everything just seems random, dreary, unconnected. maybe your decisions fork out before you... and there are certain paths you choose that will drain the color out of your life. i think that dumb decisions that are purely motivated are better, inherently, than 'smart' decisions that come from fear, or a lack of faith. i mean, maybe its just stress. my initial reasons for coming here weren't that bad.. i mean, freshly 18, no school, hate your job, family wrecked... and you get an opportunity to go somewhere so completely different. but i've moved about 10 or so times in the past 2 years, experienced Strange Drama after Strange Drama. Two abusive (!) relationships, fights (sometimes physical) cops, being ripped off of $2000. anybody else would have left by now.
but what happens here, the drama, wherever i live, what i'm doing for a living, even. doesn't matter. because what i really enjoy. is creating. what i'm terrified of losing, is creating. and i'm so scared that i can't even put my pencil to paper. everything in my portfolio is from a 2 month spurt that happened last year. i'm also afraid i'm losing my intelligence but i don't know what to do about it. i mean, getting into college would be nice, that's my dream. to spend my days learning things, pushing myself. free to laterally drift in thought instead of worrying about quarterly revenue goals. The two live in relationships i've had were with the two people whose character i never liked at all, but circumstance pushed me together with. and the people i really care about, the people (not just romantically) i've wanted a chance to be around more (eric, my little sister etc.) i've been cut away from. and i struggle for words that in 10th grade i would use just to show off, my short term memory is dying, but even as i decay i expect tou much from others. but its been forever since someone has really opened my mind, blown me away... surprised me, scared me, made me feel anything at all...
and it all adds up to this enormous sense of loss, the kind that is so big and vast that it is easy to live with, because it so completely envelops you you cant imagine any other way of existing. my wallpaper here is from requiem for a dream, he's in prison in florida. calling his girlfriend in new york, and he tells her to wait for him. and he can't tell her that he's not coming back, he can't admit to her that this time he's fucked it up for good and there's no turning back.
so what is redemption then. redemption is today. redemption is taking my sketchbook home and holding it and crying with it if i have to. redemption is dusting off my keyboard and reinstalling one of the music programs my mentor/friends have given me... redemption is running up to that wall and instead of stopping at the last second, terrified, backing away... hitting it full force. feeling like a jack ass until i figure out the sequencer, or get the proportions right. and then doing it again, in the hopes that even if the wall isnt changing on the surface.. even if it hurts just like the first time i tried to draw again... something inside of this wall is breaking where i can't see. and when i least expect it will crumble, and every time ive tried, even the ones where i disappointed myself will count. and maybe i didnt fuck it up for good... you never know. but until then, i don't expect my somber mood to change much.
death by design/ over and out