attention defecit
2002-09-18 17:36:36 ET

i have noticed lately my tendency to have a complete lack of attention span. i have never thought of myself as one to have attention defecit disorder but i think something is definitely going on. i spread myself too thin.. too many interests, friends, things to do etc (and it looks like i'm taking a 2nd job too). i dont know if all of these things are as 'necessary' as they seem to be; in fact i dont know if i've fallen into a pattern of deliberately distracting myself. this may be due to my phobia of working on art/music, the things i used to do without a problem, the things i lived for, when i was in florida. this penchant for distraction causes me to instantly blow money the second i get it thus making me the most destitute banker i know (oh the temptation...)

i am also experiencing a lack of emotion, or more specifically, a lack of empathic ability, almost sociopathic. i am not sure if its the stackers doing this to me (when i stay up too late socializing, clubbing, drinking etc. and have to go to work i take these diet pills called stackers that are basically legal speed. they rob me of emotion and give me an anger problem when i take them with coffee, but they make working 10 hours on 2 hours of sleep possible) i had a much bigger stacker problem last year as i was a certain dj's girlfriend and had to constantly make the club circuit as well as work/commute a considerable distance. after like 3 consecutive days of 1-4 hrs sleep per night, and being at work from 7 am to getting out of my last meeting at 830 pm i was a fucking zombie when i got home.. i really havent felt this bad in a long time.

this attention deficit thing is manifesting itself in many inconvenient ways. losing my keys, wandering around my room wondering what i was supposed to be doing five minutes ago.. putting stuff on the back burner at work then forgetting.. and peoples names.. oh god, i have a job in sales and i can never, ever remember peoples names. i got a planner to stop pissing my friends off. tonight i zoned out while waiting for michael to pay the parking ticket and i turned around and he had disappeared (i think i'll blame my losing in air hockey on this too...) and i had just zoned staring into space... maybe its just a by product of how much being up north has stressed me out..? but the nature of this problem makes me my own worst enemy...

im not sure whats more important, treating the symptoms of this disease by themselves or trying to look deeper into the cause. perhaps for now i should practice damage control and light introspection? or perhaps the whole quest is fucked from the get go because the problem is really that i just need to relax more? what could be wearing on me this much? my personal life is no less complex than it usually is but i'm okay with that now, hell by now i'm used to it. i'm slightly concerned with how easy it is for me to be okay with these things (yes im being intentionally vague) but i can endure things no normal human can, plus my value system is different...

maybe time will make things better? or does time mean to me only the gradual accumulation of paychecks and a wearing around the edges? or is time just regrets, weighed in months like teaspoons of sugar?

<music of the week - ANT-HOLOGY (ant-zen comp)<BR> gridlock 5.25
stromkern armageddon >

<current books - the psychology of persuasion, the novelests guide to creating plot>

<most recent movie: kirosawa, drunken angel>

2002-09-18 17:42:50 ET

... err...

Maybe don't go clubbing all the time and get some real sleep for some real energy?

And feel better. :[

P.S. Fun music! I'm not a big fan of Stromkern ... but, uhh, might go see 'em at ze-Batcave? :/ Will you be there?

2002-09-18 17:56:02 ET

I would just try focusing on those things that you do still feel something for, your loves in life. If you love photography, pick up the camera more and go to clubs less. If reading is your thing, take more time for that. Take relaxing candlelit baths (my advice to everyone) with the phone turned off, and soft music playing in the background. You have to take more time to yourself honey. Maybe things are just too strenuous and youre becomming more used to it. Don't lose your feeling and please do get some sleep. I wish you the best.

2002-09-18 19:48:57 ET

i have this same sleep affliction...and it really does fuck you up with stuff like memory and ...umm...what was i saying? (o_O)?

...oh, and i know where your stuff is :-P

2002-09-18 20:45:55 ET

What you need to do is set your piorities.

Pick the people who are important. The ones whose names you remember. The ones you actually make an effort to call. The ones who care about you, who really love you. Jettison the rest.

Write off the baggage.

Second job? Don't do it, it will burn you out.

Stupid boys? Waste of time, keeps you from creating. Focus on the ones who really care, the ones you can talk to.

Going to clubs? Cut your outings in half. You won't need a second job if you don't waste all your money going out just for the sake of going out. Half the time you don't even have fun. Go out half as much, and you'll have twice as much fun when you do go out.

Train yourself to focus. Train yourself to create. Like in Memento: you can train yourself, give yourself the correct habits, write yourself guidleines. Force yourself to do it weven when you think nothing will come of it. I was dead serious, I *WILL* be giving you assignments.

That talk we had on sunday, I'm holding you to everything you said. We have a six month plan. don't fuck it up.

2002-09-18 20:49:18 ET


2002-09-19 04:31:28 ET

Stop taking Stacker. That shit is Eevil.
It speeds up your heart.
Sounds like a terrible thing to take with coffee :[
Read the Caution part on it.
Try eating better?

2002-09-19 09:50:59 ET

I agree completely with Dr. 242. But you probably don't know who I am, so that's irrelevant, I guess.

2002-09-19 17:51:14 ET


The above advise is sound based on your entry, at 19 the world is your oyster, nothing should hold you back from the things you want to accomplish.

Sometimes the best teacher is experience.

2002-09-20 12:02:17 ET

i sometimes suffer from the same are constantly looking for something to fulfil you, but not finding it.

2002-09-20 12:32:26 ET

such is the human condition, my dear..

guess i'm doomed to follow doktor's orders

it seems that the human body (amazing thing it is) has a natural stop-loss mechanism... because i seem to have fallen extremely sick... i slept 16 hours yesterday and am running a fever. i think the other reason i am not capable of pulling the club/work/alcohol/stacker/commute antics i am used to is that i am working out... the physiology of my body is changing... and requires more sleep OR ELSE.

i am out sick from work now as we speak. i think when i get my insurance in a month i will go to a doctor to tell me what the damage really is...

2002-09-21 00:18:57 ET

hope you feel better soon

2002-09-21 15:47:38 ET

thanks i'll try...

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