2002-09-18 17:36:36 ET|
i have noticed lately my tendency to have a complete lack of attention span. i have never thought of myself as one to have attention defecit disorder but i think something is definitely going on. i spread myself too thin.. too many interests, friends, things to do etc (and it looks like i'm taking a 2nd job too). i dont know if all of these things are as 'necessary' as they seem to be; in fact i dont know if i've fallen into a pattern of deliberately distracting myself. this may be due to my phobia of working on art/music, the things i used to do without a problem, the things i lived for, when i was in florida. this penchant for distraction causes me to instantly blow money the second i get it thus making me the most destitute banker i know (oh the temptation...)
i am also experiencing a lack of emotion, or more specifically, a lack of empathic ability, almost sociopathic. i am not sure if its the stackers doing this to me (when i stay up too late socializing, clubbing, drinking etc. and have to go to work i take these diet pills called stackers that are basically legal speed. they rob me of emotion and give me an anger problem when i take them with coffee, but they make working 10 hours on 2 hours of sleep possible) i had a much bigger stacker problem last year as i was a certain dj's girlfriend and had to constantly make the club circuit as well as work/commute a considerable distance. after like 3 consecutive days of 1-4 hrs sleep per night, and being at work from 7 am to getting out of my last meeting at 830 pm i was a fucking zombie when i got home.. i really havent felt this bad in a long time.
this attention deficit thing is manifesting itself in many inconvenient ways. losing my keys, wandering around my room wondering what i was supposed to be doing five minutes ago.. putting stuff on the back burner at work then forgetting.. and peoples names.. oh god, i have a job in sales and i can never, ever remember peoples names. i got a planner to stop pissing my friends off. tonight i zoned out while waiting for michael to pay the parking ticket and i turned around and he had disappeared (i think i'll blame my losing in air hockey on this too...) and i had just zoned staring into space... maybe its just a by product of how much being up north has stressed me out..? but the nature of this problem makes me my own worst enemy...
im not sure whats more important, treating the symptoms of this disease by themselves or trying to look deeper into the cause. perhaps for now i should practice damage control and light introspection? or perhaps the whole quest is fucked from the get go because the problem is really that i just need to relax more? what could be wearing on me this much? my personal life is no less complex than it usually is but i'm okay with that now, hell by now i'm used to it. i'm slightly concerned with how easy it is for me to be okay with these things (yes im being intentionally vague) but i can endure things no normal human can, plus my value system is different...
maybe time will make things better? or does time mean to me only the gradual accumulation of paychecks and a wearing around the edges? or is time just regrets, weighed in months like teaspoons of sugar?
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